Cognizant.. So cognizant..

my dear readers, it may seem to you that i am a very nice person.. very friendly, humorous, trustworthy, responsible, dependable.. but now i am cognizant of my other side.. my pitch black side.. well, it is about time..

i just realized what a demon i am inside the white shroud that envelopes me every waking day of my f*cking life..

maybe i am just too dumb.. and too numb to be guile about what i am doing to the poeple i really care about..

i am like a reckless and ruthless driver.. i drive into people's lives, put the pedal to the metal, hit them with all the gas that i have, and just drive away, leaving them to bite the dust (literally)..

i always thought that i was doing right.. i always thought that i am a likable person because i have a lot of friends.. i always thought i am a nice person.. i never knew that the rest of the world always thought otherwise..

please find me someone who doesn't think i came from the underworld.. for me.. please do that.. and if you do, please pray to your god, thank him and praise him for he created such a splendid miracle..

©

me and bu...este, me and you

the longing for someone new
dawned on me when you found someone too
it made me wonder, it made me think
i actually lost you when i blinked

i was lost for days and months
but you weren't affected all too much
i even questioned what was wrong with me
and what you saw in her that you didn't see in me

i wanted you back, oh yes, i missed you so
this was the first time in my life i ever felt so low
it was just so hard to forget, i'm not like you
coz i believed what we had was wonderful and true

i was badly hurt as you can see
it was difficult to accept that you left me
now all the plans we made are meaningless
so that's why i was in such a mess

so my friends came to me coz i couldn't do this alone
they said maybe all i need was time and an ice cream cone
that didn't do much, i still felt blue
but my friends took care of me like i had the flu

they listened to me with every bitterness i wept
and watched me cry all the hurt till i slept
they even gave advice to help me clear my mind
even if being with me took up most of their time

my friend kept saying let go, it's time to move on
it's such a waste crying coz you've been long gone
so i thought about it and said i'll give it a try
i'll just save my tears for some other lie

so i decided to let you go and set us free
coz the only way to move on was to let you be
i lived my life one day at a time
until everything had become fine

one day, surprisingly, you just came back
saying things like how there was something you lacked
and we talked as friends even if it was hard for me
but there was nothing wrong with it so i let it be

everything was going fine until one day
you just had to ruin it with your ways
coz you said you wanted me back in your life
but i couldn't let you in, not without a fight

so i didn't say yes but i didn't say no
i was confused and i didn't really know
see the thing is i didn't need you right now
but i didn't want to lose you again somehow

then i realized i never really stopped loving you
i guess i just learned to live my life without you by my side
this is something i know is definitely true
i've just been trying to convince myself my love for you has died

so up to now, i still don't know what to do
you can't help me, you're confused too
but the decision about us will have to wait
since now we are definitely miles away

we still talk every once in a while
but it's hard for me to know if you're telling a lie
coz for a guy, you definitely got alot to say
but i'm trying my best to believe you anyway

alot definitely has changed, this is true
but you keep saying nothing compares to me and you
so like what i always say, let's just wait and see
whatever the future holds for you and me

you told me once you'd wait and i hope you still would
hope you wouldn't just change your mind like your mood
coz who knows one day we'll actually see
and find out if we were really meant to be

by anirtakanna at starbucks, july22, saturday, 3:30pm.

take me home

wondering the streets alone
no one's calling my phone
isn't anyone looking for me
thinking where could i be

but then again who would bother
to waste their time just to find me
and now as time passes by, i feel lonelier
coz i'm just a stranger to those who see

i keep imagining where you are, what you're doing
and wonderin' if you're thinking about me too
i'm missing you so much already
that now i also dream of me and you

it hurts me so that we're miles apart
i can't see your face or atleast hold your hand
but now, i'm all alone, left in the dark
and no one else could help me, only you can

i'm slowly losing control of my life
maybe i just need you to be part of it
coz i've tried my best to do it on my own
but then i realized i need you more and more

then there you were, right in front of me
looking so worried, i couldn't help but just stare
is this some kind of illusion or crazy dream
that you are actually back with me

you hugged me tight like you won't let me go
while telling me things i've been wanting to hear
you held my hand and begged me to try
but i didn't budge, all i did was cry

so now please would you take me home
coz i always wanna be by your side
with you is where i belong
take me home back to you

coz you know i still love you
you know i'll always care
i want you back in my life
so can i ask you to stay
and never ever leave me alone again

No write, no love?

if you read my blog often, you will realize something that's common to most of my entries.. what is it? it's a four letter word.. it starts with the letter L and ends with the letter E.. we're all bitter about it.. come on.. you know it! at some point, we become stupid because of it.. what was that? i can't hear you! say it out loud! we all try to define it as something that is blind.. and we just don't miss a day without ever having a thought that's related to it.. uh, come on.. please! stop this nonesense! it's love..

and if you really are a fan of the web page you are currently reading, you will notice that there are big intervals between the times that i wrote my most recent blog entries (including this one)..

does it seem that i have nothing to write about anymore?

does it seem that my brain is on a permanent blackout?

does it seem that i no longer have compulsive fingers to convey my emotions to?

does it seem that i am deprived of the financial support in order for me to connect to the rest of the world?

OR..

does it seem that my heart is currently dead and is incapable of producing love hormones that squeeze the words right out of my system?

well.. maybe my love life isn't in a state of red alert this season.. it's as gloomy and fickle-minded as the everyday weather here in laguna with my best friend Maria Makiling..

not that i don't have anybody to love.. i actually have a number of people written here on my palm.. and some of them already made it to my list a few decades ago.. hey, i didn't tattoo it! maybe it tattoed itself on my heart..

maybe it's just that my love life isn't out right now partying with its friends.. it got exhausted of being active, you know.. but i think it left me a message some three or four months ago.. wait, i think i have it in my pocket right now.. oh, here it is! oh.. that's why.. it's on leave.. ;-)

P.S. i apologize to my dear readers who always find nothing to read whenever they check my blog.. don't worry.. my heart is already under renovation.. sorry for the inconvenience.. soon to rise: love..

©

night-dreaming (technically)

july1, '06 1:06pm

night dreaming.

well technically it was night time. and i was dreaming but not yet asleep. so i guess you just call that something like imagining or thinking. although dreaming sounds so much nicer. and that's the reason why i had the hardest time sleeping. i just kept tossing and turning while dreaming of something i have always wanted to happen. but i wouldn't get much into details.

i hear champagne glasses clicking. i hear people talking to each other. i also hear a song, my favorite song, on the piano. and then, a flash of light, a spotlight, somewhat blinding. people clapping and then silence. then there i am. i see myself, so dressed up in a white dress filled with blue designs and my hair in curls, walking down a flight of stairs with a long red carpet and am really afraid that i might lose my grip and trip, then, fall down the flight of stairs. i feel really nervous but i am still smiling as i look on down to see who would be awaiting me at the end of the stairs, i see faces. i see very familiar faces offering their hands to me, one is holding a bouquet of roses and the other a bouquet of lilies, and i had to choose which one to actually hold on to. then i see all other people looking on as i still walk on the red carpet to where i shall sit myself. i look around to see familiar faces smiling back at me, wishing me all the best. then i recognize the faces of all my friends, looking so beautiful and dashing in their evening gowns and coat and ties. then let's fast forward to the part i have the last dance of the night. all i had to do was choose between the first two very familiar faces that were offering their hands to me earlier. everything depended on who i would choose. why? i just don't know. so here i was. i started walking towards them. and then...

*poof*

welcome back to reality.

why i decided to end a wonderful faiytale? no idea. if you know why, please tell me.

so well, we've just settled to our new home away from home. it's nice. it's not actually a house. but it's nice and spacious. it's got this nice view of River Thames and i do have a small balcony in my room. just lovely. i a nice bathroom. big enough for me. it's still summer here and it's actually getting warm. love it.

[currently thinking: blag blag blag kaboom disappear!]
[july1, 8:06pm - Phil. time]