Gazeebo De Lala

MY PERSONAL POST ELECTION CAMPAIGN

2009-03-08T11:00:00.001+08:00

WARNING, BIASED TO. Nevertheless, lahat ng nilalaman ng post na ito ay pawang katotohanan at kung hindi man ay inaamin kong sariling opinyon ko lamang. Anumang nakalahad dito ay hindi opisyal na pahayag ng kahit anong organisasyong aking kinabibilangan.

Simply put: gusto ko lang magshare ; )

I hope you don't find some parts angsty, i'm just trying to be very honest.

*******************

99.9 percent akong sigurado na halos lahat ng taong kakilala ko sa pharm ay alam na para ako sa CHANGE. Kahit hindi ako magsuot ng pins, magsuot ng blue o yellow o anumang paraphernalia ay halatang halata naman na para ako sa CHANGE.

Marahil nagtataka kayo kung bakit nga ba ako masyadong "fanatic" sa CHANGE.

Ang CHANGE ay binuo sa ilalim ng pamumuno ni Ms. Cucai Soriano na tumakbo at pinalad maging UPPhA Chair sa tulong ng suporta ni Ms. Virgi Esquivel, ang Chairperson ng PROPharm tatlong taon na ang nakalilipas. Hanggang sa kasalukuyan, ang CHANGE ay nagpapatuloy magbigay ng alternatibong mga lider na estudyante sa Kolehiyo ng Parmasiya. (parang ang awkward na magtagalog) PERO BIGLA LANG BANG SUMULPOT ANG CHANGE? At bakit ba sinusuportahan ng PROPharm ang CHANGE?

Balikan natin nang mabilisan ang history... Ang PROPharm ay binuo HINDI bilang isang organisasyon. Dati itong partido. Dati kasi, iisang partido lang ang tumatakbo sa UPCP. Walang alternatibo. Tahimik dahil walang kumpetensiya, ngunit may negatibong epekto ito. Dahil walang kumpetensiya, hindi nasisiguro at hindi napipilitan ang mga nahahalal na student leaders na gawin ang kanilang responsibilidad sa abot ng kanilang makakaya para sa interes ng mga mag-aaral. Hindi ito naging madali para sa PROPharm dahil lahat sila ay baguhan. Subalit nagtagumpay ang PROPharm dahil sa nakita ng mga mag-aaral ng CP ang kahalagahan ng bago at bukas na pag-iisip. Isang alternatibo. Dito nagsimula ang kakaiba ngunit kilalang nature ng PROPharm. Tahimik kapag walang kailangang sabihin, nasisiyahan sa sarili nitong mga gawain tulad ng medical missions, team building activities at iba pa. Dumating ang araw na maaring sinasabi ng iba na nagkatamaran na magpatuloy na magbigay ng buong slate ang PROPharm, pero sa tingin ko ito ay gawa ng panahon na naramdaman ng PROPharm na maayos na muli ang pamamahala sa CP. Ngunit may kasabihan nga na dala ng panahon ang pagbabago.

Binuo ang CHANGE mula sa PROPharm, pero dahil ang PROPharm ngayon ay isa nang organisasyon at hindi na isang slate, hindi nito kailanman pinilit ang sinumang miyembro na iboto ang buong partidong CHANGE. Ang mga miyembro ng PROPharm ay kapatid ng CHANGE, habang ang executive committee o EXECOM ng PROPharm na tumatayo bilang magulang ay nakikiusap lamang para sa suporta ng mga kapatid ng CHANGE sa organisasyong pinagmulan nito.

Bumabalik sa kasalukuyan...

Nasisiyahan ako dahil mula sa aking ala-ala noong una akong tumakbo sa pinaka-unang slate ng CHANGE, ay nakikita ko sa lahat ng kandidato nito ang malinis na hangarin na magsilbi at kumatawan sa mga estudyante ng UPCP. Oo, nakita ko din na lahat ay mayroon ding kakulangan at kahinaan subalit sabi nga ni Ate Virg nung panahon na 'yon sa isang bukas na liham,

"They are servant-leaders. And like any of us, they have their own tendencies and flaws. That is the very reason I have invited those who are passionate about service. Too passionate that even their flaws could not stop them from serving people. "

Buong puso akong sumasang-ayon.

At nitong nakaraang eleksyon, muli nanamang pinatunayan ng CHANGE ang sarili nila.

Ang CHANGE ay walang kwenta kung hindi sa mga taong lumalabas sa kanilang normal na buhay upang pumasok dito. Ang bawat kandidato ng CHANGE ay malinaw ang adhikain, ang mamuno upang makapagsilbi.

Ang mga Batch Representatives na sila Phya, Pauline, Razi, at Camille ay nagtagumpay lahat! Karamihan sa kanila, may kalaban man o wala, ay umamin sa mga agam-agam na bumabagabag sa kanilang kalooban. Alam nilang lahat na ang pagiging Batch Rep ay isa sa mga pinakamadugong trabaho sa UPPhA dahil sila ang nasa front line ng council. Lahat sila may ibang priorities din, ngunit hindi sila napigilan sa kagustuhang sumubok at maglingkod. Incoming second year man, third year o graduating student, handa sila na ibigay ang oras nila para sa iba, nang walang kapalit.

Sabi nga ni Tin Co,"Hindi lahat ng tahimik, walang imik!" kasabay ng paggulat niya sa akin nitong nakaraang tatlong linggo. Si Ate Tin ang pinakasimple, tahimik, masipag at matalinong taong nakilala ko habang palagi akong na-iintriga tuwing namamataan ko siya sa University Library na nagbubuklat ng mga dyaryo habang abalang abala ang mga Pharm students sa pag-cram at paggawa ng postlab sa paligid niya. Dahil sa kaniyang tahimik na buhay, kagulat- gulat talaga ang desisyon niya na magdudulot ng pinaka-maingay at toxic na mga linggo ng kaniyang buhay pharm. Simple lang. Buo ang kaniyang hangarin na maglingkod at hindi ko maitago ang ngiti ko tuwing madidinig ko siya na magspeech sa mga RTR sa boses na matagal niyang tinipid gamitin. Ibang klaseng kasiyahan ang aking naramdaman nang nalaman kong nanalo siya!

Nasubukan na ni Java ang buhay pulitika. Naranasang manalo, naranasan ding matalo. Pangatlong beses nang tumakbo ni Java at muli nanaman siyang nagtagumpay. Noong una, inaamin ni Java na nakakapagod magtrabaho at tumulong sa UPPhA, ngunit noong nakita niya ang kahalagahan ng kaniyang desisyon ngayong taon, pinag-isipan niya itong mabuti bago siya pumayag na sumabak uli sa paglilingkod. Ngayon, tanging bakas lang ng kasiyahan ang makikita kay Java dahil sa pagkakataon na makapaglingkod siya bilang JAVICE President ng UPPhA.

Tulad ng kahit anong kompetisyon, may my mga hindi mapalad na manalo sa pagkakataong iyon. Ngunit, hindi ako nalulungkot at nagsisisi sa pagkumbinse sa kanila na tanggapin ang hamon.

Si Sho, sabi nga ng iba, sarili niya din ang naging kalaban niya. Alam ko ang pakiramdam nang sinasabi ng iba na masyado pa daw siyang bata para sa ganoong kataas na posisyon. Kulang sa karanasan, kulang sa edad, kulang sa exposure. Hindi ako nagsisisi na isang first year ang napili para sa posisyong College Representative. Sa College of Pharmacy, hindi natin maitatanggi ang seniority complex ng mga tao. Pero bakit nga ba si Sho? May potential si Sho. Bata pa, bukas pa ang isip, puno pa ng inspirasyon at hindi pa corrupted ng makasariling ka-GC-han at desperasyon na magsurvive sa Pharm. Maaring tignang "idealistic", pero saan pa ba manggagaling ang pagbabago? Sa mga taong tradisyonal? Abala sa mga "mas mahahalagang" ibang bagay? Gayunpaman hindi ako nanghihinayang para kay Sho, dahil alam kong marami pa siyang pagkakataon. At hanggang nasa kaniya pa ang pagnanais na maglingkod, magagawa niya ito, lalo na kung mabibigyan siya ng pagkakataon.

Kapag iniisip ko si Jikki, naiisip ko ang salitang "low-profile". Ang tinutukoy ko ay hindi siya masyadong sikat ngunit marahil nagtaka nanaman ang marami kung sino ba siya at bakit ba siya ang tumakbo. Simple lang, hiniling ng mga miyembro ng organisasyon na tumakbo siya, at buong puso din akong sumang-ayon kahit alam kong kailangan niyang pagsikapan ang 'visibility' niya. Sa loob ng PROPharm, maraming nagawa si Jikki na marahil ay hindi naibalita sa buong CP. Ang mas kilala sa mga inaasikaso ni Jikki ay ang nakikita natin na Blood Letting nitong dalawang nakaraang semester. Nais ko din ibahagi sa inyo na si Jikki ang nagsimula ng ugnayan ng GAWAD KALINGA at ng College of Pharmacy bago pa man ito naging proyekto ng nakalipas na administrasyon. Nagsimula ito bilang isang project ng mga bagong member sa pamumuno ni Jikki at nang masimulan ito, hiniling ng UPPhA na ipagpatuloy ang proyektong ito upang makasama din ang iba pang mga organisasyon. Marami talagang kayang gawin si Jikki para sa UPPhA, pero hindi parin ako nanghihinayang.

Kilala ng mga tao si Joc sa kaniyang malakas na karakter na humahakot ng iba-ibang reaksyon mula sa mga tao. Isa ito sa pangamba mismo ni Joc pero hindi ko nakikitang hadlang kahit ang mga sariling kakulangan upang bigyan ng pagkakataon ang isang tao na tumakbo at maglingkod basta't malinis ang hangarin at walang bahid ng kahit anong motibo. Hindi man pinalad si Joc, alam kong tinitignan niya ang mga pangyayari bilang isang hamon lamang upang mapabuti pa ang kaniyang karakter. Alam kong maraming natutunan si Joc sa karanasan na ito at gagawin niya itong inspirasyon. Lahat ng tao, ano man ang itsura, yaman, talino, o pag-uugali ay may pantay pantay na karapatan maglingkod basta't malinis ang hangarin at buo ang loob sa pagsilbi sa iba.

Panghuli, si Moe na pumayag maging tanglaw at ulo ng CHANGE sa pagkakataong ito ay napakalaki sana ng maihahandog para sa kolehiyo. Napakarami niyang plano, at mula sa objektibong mata ng isang manunulat tulad niya, nakikita niya ang tunay na sitwasyong kinakaharap ng kolehiyo. Nais niyang ibaba ang kaniyang panulat at tumayo sa kaniyang mga paa upang kumilos para sa kolehiyo natin. Mahirap ang naging laban ni At Moe kahit buo ang kaniyang loob sa kaniyang gagawin. Maraming bagay siyang sinakripisyo. Hinarap niya ang mga kritisismo. Pero nakita ko na siya bilang isang taong malakas at hindi basta bumibigay sa mga pagsubok at paghihirap. Matibay ang kaniyang paninindigan, may sariling opinyon at bukas ang mata at isip sa lahat ng nangyayari sa paligid niya at 'yon sana ang pagbabagong gusto niyang gawin sa mga mag-aaral ng Pharm: ang lumabas sa kani-kaiyang comfort zones at isipin na ang buhay ay hindi lang isang desperasyon na magtapos at huwag bumagsak sa mga subject. At pinatunayan ito ng bawat kandidato ng CHANGE.

Baguhan man muli halos lahat ng kandidato ng CHANGE ay buo ang paniniwala kong matibay ang kanilang mga pundasyon sa paglilingkod.

ALAM KONG MAY ISANG TANONG KAYO:

BAKIT NGAYON KO LANG ITO SINASABI?

Alam ko kasi na kapag bago mag-eleksyon ko sinabi ang lahat ng ito, marahil ay isipin lang ng mga tao na isa lang itong pambobola sa mga tao para sila ang piliin niyo sa balota.

Nais ko lang ipakita, na ang CHANGE, ay patuloy na nandirito, handang magbigay ng mga piniling mabuti at mapagkakatiwalaan na mga kandidato. Malinis ang hangarin. Magsilbi. Maging boses at kinatawan ng mga mag-aaral ng College of Pharmacy.

Ang Coalition of Hardworking students Addressing the Need for Growth and Excellence, o CHANGE, ay maaasahan niyo sa mga susunod pang mga taon at naniniwala ako na hindi kailanman mauubos ang mga estudyanteng karapat-dapat na maging lider sa College of Pharmacy na mula sa CHANGE hangga't may mga sumusuporta sa mga taong desidido, malinis ang hangarin at handang magsilbi.

NAIS KONG PASALAMATAN ANG LAHAT NG TUMULONG at SUMUPORTA SA CHANGE, kayo ang nagsisilbing liwanag para magpatuloy ang partido.

SA LAHAT NG NAGWAGI, CHANGE o SIGAW UP man nais ko kayong batiin sa inyong pagkapanalo. Nasa inyo na ang tiwala ng buong College na paglilingkuran niyo.

SA MGA HINDI PINALAD, tumawa kayo at huminga, wala na kayong iisipin at alam naman nating lahat na marami pang ibang bagay ang naghihintay sa inyo.

SA MGA BUMOTO, magaling! Sana matuto tayong mag-demand sa mga Leader na ihinahalal natin, anumang partido o organisasyon nila. Wag tayong makuntento sa "wala silang ginagawang masama", bagkus humanap tayo nang "ginagawa nilang mabuti".

Yours Truly,

Chai Ching

**********************************

Ang pulitika sa pharm ay practice lang sa ibang mga pulitika sa buhay natin. sa bahay, sa trabaho, sa gobyerno at ang pagboto natin ay practice lang para sa masa malaking mga election tulad nang sa 2010. Hindi lang tayo basta students, UP STUDENTS TAYO.

Buksan ang mga mata!

MY PERSONAL POST ELECTION CAMPAIGN

2009-03-08T11:00:00.000+08:00

Simply put: gusto ko lang magshare ; )

I hope you don't find some parts angsty, i'm just trying to be very honest.

*******************

Marahil nagtataka kayo kung bakit nga ba ako masyadong "fanatic" sa CHANGE.

Bumabalik sa kasalukuyan...

Buong puso akong sumasang-ayon.

At nitong nakaraang eleksyon, muli nanamang pinatunayan ng CHANGE ang sarili nila.

Ang CHANGE ay walang kwenta kung hindi sa mga taong lumalabas sa kanilang normal na buhay upang pumasok dito. Ang bawat kandidato ng CHANGE ay malinaw ang adhikain, ang mamuno upang makapagsilbi.

Tulad ng kahit anong kompetisyon, may my mga hindi mapalad na manalo sa pagkakataong iyon. Ngunit, hindi ako nalulungkot at nagsisisi sa pagkumbinse sa kanila na tanggapin ang hamon.

Baguhan man muli halos lahat ng kandidato ng CHANGE ay buo ang paniniwala kong matibay ang kanilang mga pundasyon sa paglilingkod.

ALAM KONG MAY ISANG TANONG KAYO:

BAKIT NGAYON KO LANG ITO SINASABI?

Alam ko kasi na kapag bago mag-eleksyon ko sinabi ang lahat ng ito, marahil ay isipin lang ng mga tao na isa lang itong pambobola sa mga tao para sila ang piliin niyo sa balota.

NAIS KONG PASALAMATAN ANG LAHAT NG TUMULONG at SUMUPORTA SA CHANGE, kayo ang nagsisilbing liwanag para magpatuloy ang partido.

SA LAHAT NG NAGWAGI, CHANGE o SIGAW UP man nais ko kayong batiin sa inyong pagkapanalo. Nasa inyo na ang tiwala ng buong College na paglilingkuran niyo.

SA MGA HINDI PINALAD, tumawa kayo at huminga, wala na kayong iisipin at alam naman nating lahat na marami pang ibang bagay ang naghihintay sa inyo.

Yours Truly,

Chai Ching

**********************************

Buksan ang mga mata!

Christmas Party Bonding with Randy and my Family!

2008-12-06T17:13:00.000+08:00

Papa invited me and Randy to attend the Christmas party of the company where Kuya Albert works - also his former company. So after my pharmacology make-up class this saturday, Randy met up with me and we went to...

near Mall of Asia. The program was already starting and the buffet was already starting... What perfect timing! haha! So what elso to do? Dig in!

Actually dessert este, tapos na din pala ako kumain ng dessert niyan... talagang nagutom ako sa PCOL! hyperlipidemia pa naman yung topic... Harhar, so ang kinain ko ano ba... Angel hair puttanesca, Ox tongue with mashed potato, chicken potato salad, Roastpork with almond sauce, Chicken galle-sumthing, Blue Marlin na grilled, veggie salad, tuna macaroni salad, Nachos, Pastries, ayun... harharhar... Madami ba yun? unti unti lang nakain ko dun no... so after lumafang ay nagkaroon ng mga games at presentations...

Sample lang yan nga mga "bakit ko ba ginagawa to sa sarili ko" performances nila... at anlupit din nung baklang host, bully at nakakatawa!

Andaming tao eh... Tinamad din kami nung tumagal tagal at nauwi sa picture-picture! Kasi dala ni Kuya Andrew dSLR ni Kuya Allan kanina...

(Paawa at Pacute na Randy at Ako)

Si Mamy mahilig din magpapicture... at si Kuya Andrew din, so lahat kami, picture-picture!

Si Mamy at Papa, game na game pumose... Si Papa na normally tiger look napasmile ko... hahaha! Smile!

Wee... ansaya dami pictures... eto pa, ang ampon ni Mamy... harharhar...

Pictures pa!

At tinamad din kami ni Kuya Andrew magpic... kasi pati ba naman decorations napagtripan namin, Kyut kasi! star studded! hehehe...

Waha!!! at finally natapos na din ang program. Sayang, di kami nanalo ng prizes: 20 microwave ovens, 5K+GC, 10K+GC, at 15K+GC. Di talaga kami swerte sa raffle ever! hahaha... ayun, time to go na! At least may Ham na pamigay sa mga di nanalo... harhar, at nirereimburse yung transpo cost ng mga tao + nanalo pa si mamy sa isang name that song game, so sulit na din! harhar...

wee.. palabas na kami... So yun, nagpaalam na si Randy dahil pupunta pa daw siya sa MOA... at kami pauwi na...

Balik sa tunay kong Papa! Harhar... Terno kami! Pero as usual, hindi kami papayag ng walang picture taking bago umuwi...

At siyempre, di papayag si Kyandrew na wala siyang Pic!

Heehee.. Hay! Saya saya.. at kapagod. Salamat sa araw na to!

(^_^) Kyandrew loved this pic (^_^)

Hanggang sa Muli!

-Chai-

U NA I BA E RA SA I DA A DA NA GA PA I LA I PA I NA A SA!!!GO UP!!!

2008-09-08T07:14:00.000+08:00

favorite cheer ko sa UAAP!!!!!!!super LSS...

lomomanila will be hitting baguio...

2008-05-30T12:38:00.000+08:00

howhowhow...di pa ako nakapagpartcipate ng totoo sa lomomanila events...first and the last is nung chinatown, pero di ako nakihalubilo dahil dat tym, holga lang ang meron ako..nakakahiya..hehe..wah...sana makasama ako sa isang event..kapag nakipon na ako ng lakas ng loob..hehe..imagine a LOMOWALL dat is 6 feet high by 18 feet long...huge collection of pictures sa baguio...LOMO ELEMENTO STYLE..the project is headed by tuesday vargas , sir bong, and jill...how how how...gud luck nlng sa kanila...inggit ako..

Penshoppe's SHOOT YOU ADS

2008-05-30T12:32:00.000+08:00

a huge billboard sa morayta--features bamboo using fisheye 1
ads that feature red holga--hawak ng iba't ibang mgA PENSHOPPE endorsers..
nkakatuwa at naicip nila un..plus may contestb pa cla na dey will give away a free holga if uve accumulated acertain amount of receipts..not bad huh...to spread the lomo lovin'..to spread the craze...go chek one out...

San Juan... parang nanaginip lang ako!

2008-05-03T15:38:00.000+08:00

Ang sarap din pala pumunta sa malayo. Contrary to what I thought na mahohomesick ako nung paalis palang ako for my two-week batangas immersion. Hehehe... Siyempre, minus the inconveniences kasi buti nalang hindi ako nabankrupt dun... pero first time ko maging malayo sa bahay ng ganun katagal! Hahaha... Ang saya din pala! New people and new places!

Pagdating ko ng batangas, kala ko mag-iinarte ako about the food, tirahan, etc. Pero hindi naman pala! Kasi iba din talaga yung buhay dun... Very simple! Ang saya! Nakakasurvive ako ng isang buong araw nang hindi tumitingin sa salamin at nako-conscious sa itsura ko. Ang aga kong nagigising kahit walang alarm dahil excited akong magbomba ng poso at para makapaglaba na ako at matuyo kaagad yung mga damit. Ayaw ko kasing magbreakfast ng hindi nakakaligo kaya nagtataka sila kung bakit parang aalis ako palagi... wahaha! Dito kasi sa bahay, hindi ako naigigising unless sigawan ako at kuryentehin (di ko kasi nadidinig yung alarm pag sa bahay ako natutulog)... Anyways, kaya ko naman talaga mabuhay sa bahay na tinirhan namin, kahit pa walang ilaw sa CR at ilaw ng celfone ang gamit ko pag "emergency". Haha! Masaya kasi...

Ano bang makikita sa bahay nila Kap?

Improvised swing na nakasabit sa puno ng mangga.

Si Miggy na mahilig magpapogi at si Gabby na laging hinihika, kambal na babies na apo ni Kap.

Si Justin na ka-hairdo ni Kuya Jonet at mahilig magpanggap na jeepney driver, at interesado din magpicture kaso ang subject lang niya ay yung toy jeep niya. Siya din ang batang isinama ako kung saan-saang liblib na bahagi ng compound nila para mangstalk ng baka! Sakristan niya yung kapatid niya na kakaiba ang pangalan, (jerol o jeryl o gerel) na pwede naman pala tawaging francis. hahhaa! Don't worry Randy, hindi ako pwedeng agawin ni Justin sayo kasi 4 years old lang siya.. Haha! kakabirthday nga lang niya eh.

Yung mga pusa na napakadami at sobrang complicated ng family tree kasi halo halo na yung kulay nila... (May pure white, black, black n wyt, Orange, striped, mixed colors, lahat ng variety ng kulay!) May nakaaway pa nga akong pusa dun eh.. humpf.. Matitigas pala ulo ng mga pusa pag asal pusa sila. Buti pa si Pup-py!

Si Pup-py ko! ang white puppy na malaki ang tyan na pag umuupo ay gumugulong nalang dahil di niya kaya ang weight ng tyan nya. Paborito siyang apihin ng mga bata dun kasi nga makulit siya. Pero sa lahat ng living thing sa compound, si Pup-py ata yung unang naging very welcoming sa akin! kaya love ko yun si Pup-py! Kahit aso siya ng kapit bahay nila kap, ako yung sinasalubong niya pag dumadating kami. Hahaha.. Sad nga lang hindi ako nakapag goodbye sa kanya pag-alis namin.

Si Paulene na bunso ni Kap. Maganda si Paulene! Tagapagmana ng title ni Nanay na Reyna ng Palengke, kasi may pwesto sila dun. Mas bata samin ng mga 2 years pero mas outgoing pa at makulit kesa samin. (contrary sa iniisip kong taga-probinsya na mahiyain at mahinhin) Haha! Lagi ngang may katext eh, patay yun kay Kap!

Si kuya Paul na nasa Saudi at picture lang ang na-meet namin. Kahawig niya si Bojit pero ayon kay tatay Kap ay bukod sa matalino ay mabait siyang anak. Binata pa at pinag-iinteresan ni ate C*mi*. Haha! Sayang nga lang at hindi nahingi ni Ate C*mi* yung number niya kay paulene. Hahaha!

Si Nanay Kapitana na aloof noong una. Cute daw siya kasi mukhang teddy bear ayon kay tin. Pero natatakot ako sa kanya. Di kasi masyadong nagsasalita. Kala ko galit sa amin ni Rosie kasi nung nagbaguio sila nanay at tatay Kap eh kami ang pinatulog sa room nila habang wala sila. Dyahe kaya! Pero ganu daw talaga mga tao sa probinsiya, extreme na hindi masyado practical yung hospitality kasi kung sila matutulog sa sahig eh masakit sa likod yung lalo na't matanda na sila. Sanay naman ako matulog kahit saan! Buti nalang nung 2nd week nagkukwento na si nanay sa dinner. Masarap magluto si Nanay ng kunganu anu. PRAMIS! Hindi ko makakalimutan yung ginataang mangga at saging. Da best yun! at yung puto na bagong luto. first time ko makakita nun! Ang sarap talaga! Kahit hindi siya nakapag-aral, business minded siya at napagaral niya yung mga anak niya. Husay!

Si Tatay Kap, napakabait! wala akong masabi. Naaalala ko nga si Papa eh, kasi sobrang maalaga siya sa amin. Nung nagpunta ako sa tagaytay, hinatid pa niya ako sa sakayan! Tapos sabi niya anak niya ako, para daw hindi ako lokohin sa presyo... Wahehhee... Kung tutuusin, sa bayan, isa lang siyang ordinaryong matanda, pero sa baranggay nila, sobrang respetado siya at pag siya ang naghahatid sa amin sa traysikel eh nahihiyang magpabayad yung tricycle driver sa amin... Amazing! Hehe... Mahilig din siyang mag-advice habang kumakain kami... Hehehe. Isinama pa niya kami sa beach nung last day na at nakipagbonding kami kay paulene! Bunso nga rin tawag niya sa akin eh. Kaya dalawa kami ni Paulene na bunso niya. Hehehe.. Ako yung chubby na bunso.

Hayyy! Nakakamiss ang bahay ni Tatay Kap! Lahat lahat ng andun. Hehe... Ngayon I'm home. May mga ipinagbago din ako... Madami akong natutunan sa San Juan bukod sa Pharmacy at Community. Natuto din ako tungkol sa Family!

PARADISE 50 kms away from manila...

2008-04-29T11:07:00.000+08:00

INTRAMUROS

2008-04-15T03:35:00.000+08:00

masaya..nagpunta kami sa manila cathedral...san agustin church...fort santiago...at bahay tsinoy...kumain sa isang napakaWELCOMING place...nagLOMO..nagLOMO..nagLOMO..nagloko din holga ko dito..buti nlng sinalba ako ng vivitar ko..hekhek..masaya...!!!!

got my first 110 film camera

2008-04-12T02:57:00.000+08:00

vintage...wowowii tlaga...super old NEW stock..never been used...nakakatuwa...soon ill be having my rangefinder, pahiram ni sharey...hehe...

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

2007-08-11T02:20:00.000+08:00

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

-Pablo Neruda

The ultimate end of Freedom is Love. - Viktor Frankl

2007-06-21T20:39:00.000+08:00

Friends... This is it! Hehehe.

Natutuwa ako. Parang scripted lahat ng nangyari. Pati setting. Pati date. Parang may nagplano... Wah... June 12, Independence Day. Sa ilalim ng pinakamalaking puno sa UPM. hehehe... Kulang na lang, falling leaves... Haha. Official na. Hayyyy... Maybe, it was chance. destiny. chamba. but in the end, a decision was made. Hehe! Kami na. Nagsimula sa isang maliit na papel na naglalaman ng pangalan nyang nabunot ko 3 years ago ang dahilan... At hindi ko alam kung bakit noong wala pa akong idea kung ano ang mangyayari 3 years later, ay nagkaroon ng "moment" sa ala-ala ko na hindi ko malilimutan... Hahaha... Salamat sa lahat ng naging dahilan. Sa lahat ng sumusuporta... Salamt po.

Wala na akong masabi. *sigh. Hehe. (^_^)

happy anniv to me!

2007-06-15T08:03:00.000+08:00

yes people, one year anniv for me being here. hay. kalungkot talaga. i miss so many people!! i simply miss pinas! so bad. even after a year. i think it will never go away. waaah!

in commemoration, please visit: http://anirtakanna.blogspot.com
feedbacks are greatly appreciated.

to all my friends, i love you guys and miss you all dearly. muwah!

My heart's gonna die anytime soon...

2007-06-10T19:11:00.000+08:00

i don't know now..

i really don't know what to do with my life now, really.. i'm so tired of living this unjust life..

it's kinda unusual for this to happen, not knowing what to do with life.. because i always plan things, and that includes my future..

but not this time..

life is f***ing unfair, really.. i know i sound so cynical.. well, you just need a slap or two in the face to realize that it is true..

life is so full of bull.. fortunately, we invented the word "happiness" that embodies everything that's opposite "misery", which envelopes our destiny as humans..

and this day is like bi-polar day.. at start, i was experiencing happiness according to my context of the word.. but now, i am so desolate that i'm wishing that i was not even born at all..

everybody may look at me as the most shitty person Someone up there ever created.. but sometimes, i just think i am misunderstood..

yeah i know, you've heard of this shit a couple of times before.. well, the same shit happens to me everytime.. i'm not to blame..

actually, it almost happens to me every single damn day of my life.. and the issue is with my mom..

yes, blame me for being the worst son ever.. but i blame you for having the mistake of killing my soul with that..

there are tons of things i would like to share about my relationship with my mom.. actually, i already did share some of them in my previous entries.. but of course, some are better kept and discussed with people you are intimate with, like your barkada, your best buds, or yourself via blog..

i know it's kinda rude, but i will cut this entry short with some thoughts..

1) one should never underestimate the experiences another has undergone or is undergoing.. gravity works in different ways.. (go figure..)

2) one should never divert his negative feelings for a thing or memory toward another..

3) things are not always meant to be talked about..

4) be sensitive enough to be patient toward some people who, by nature, just don't like being told what to do, especially the little things that don't matter to that person..

5) it is true that everybody has a bad past, but reflect once in a while if that past is projected thru your present actions.. it sometimes hurts the people around you..

6) things you do to other people are not always applicable to other people..

7) OPEN YOUR MIND.. DO NOT BE HARD-HEADED.. LISTEN TO PEOPLE WITH YOUR EARS AND YOUR HEART..

i may not know now what to do with myself anymore for having a bad relationship with my mother..

but two things are for sure..

that we are both wrong..

and that my heart's gonna die anytime soon..

i don't know, maybe with lack of blood, lack of oxygen, lack of warmth, lack of answers, lack of justice, lack of understanding, lack of.. everything, perhaps.. or simply put, for having nothing at all..

who knows where will my mother and me be after i post this entry.. well, only that Someone up there knows for sure..

what i know is that talking to this inanimate friend in front of me won't give my heart CPR when it finally dies..

*lubdub*

How to have a bad-and-then-good day...

2007-06-05T17:29:00.001+08:00

step one:

immediately after you open your eyes from slumber, grab your cellphone and play Super Real Tennis.. play and play until your arms experience fatigue.. stop when you have had enough of losing to those one-inch pixelized tennis players..

step two:

go to your dining room and let your acid-covered stomach be greeted "good mornin' mate!" by an empty table..

step three:

feel like a hungry pathetic loser who was just hit by a cellphone game with a tennis racket..

step four:

grab your cellphone that just rang, and take a look at the text message, which reveals that you should go and find a place, like a beach resort, where your family could spend 3 days and 2 nights of semi-summer vacation this weekend..

step five:

if your mother offers to cut your fingernails and toenails for free, say yes..

step six:

buy at the small food stall at the back of your house some sweet and spicy sauce in squid balls and onion vinegar with lumpiang ubod..

step seven:

prove to your seemingly not-really-a-friend friend that you are a true friend..

step eight:

write about it on your blog.. like this.. duh?

How to ruin your day...

2007-05-28T19:20:00.000+08:00

step one:

from morning, 'til before lunch time, and ya after lunch, play games on your personal computer with your head a few inches away from the colorful and bright monitor... keep it up 'til right before dinner... but you can also do this alternative if you want your ass to be comfortable: watch television in the living room... you know, the room with the sofa... make sure that your hands are busy holding something... like food... you may take breaks of course, but you have to make them brief, like going to the comfort room to release waste or taking a trip to the fridge to get some more edible things to munch on... (point? headache...)

step two:

buy grilled barbeque at the stand near your house... make sure the whole thing comes with a small plastic bag filled with chilli vinegar (vinegar with siling labuyo, to be specific)... eat your barbeque along with rice, with an amount much greater than what you usually ingest... don't forget to smother your rice and barbeque with the chilli vinegar, like what you do with soups... a glass of sweet fruit juice or milk should be by your side, but a glass of ice cold water will do... oh, and a fan at maximum power right at your face... expect pails of sweat...

step three:

get yelled at by your mom for not being a robot...

step four:

don't take pain relievers...

step five:

go to friendster... go to your friends... find the picture of your ex (or someone you had a romantic relationship with if you were not official)... take a look at that person's profile and pictures... read the shoutout that says: "i'm happy now!"... be envious... send that person a message that says that you are happy that that person is happy (without you)... commend that person's picture... uhm, actually, you should just tell that person whatever you want, but be sure to type this: "i miss you" at the end of the message... then click the link that will send the message... go back to your homepage... look at your picture (without that person)... and then cry...

step six:

still, don't take pain relievers...

step seven:

make a blog entry on how to ruin your day... like this one... duh?

Isang pagbubukas ng damdamin...

2007-05-23T14:22:00.001+08:00

May 23, 2007 - Yahoo! Messanger Instant Message

Kaloy: nakakainis talaga
Kaloy: eto ishe-share ko
j: ok
j: ano?
Kaloy: naiinis ako sa mom ko
Kaloy: akala nya kasi lagi syang tama
Kaloy: at kapag sinasagot ko sya
Kaloy: ang naririnig lang nya
Kaloy: boses ko
Kaloy: hindi yung sagot ko
Kaloy: she never listens to what im saying
j: wag mo na awayin
j: respect her
j: she's still ur mom
Kaloy: all that she hears is that im disrespectful
Kaloy: but she doesnt hear what i say
Kaloy: its unfair
Kaloy: i need to voice out
Kaloy: thats what i am
Kaloy: i keep telling myself
Kaloy: sumosobra na ako
Kaloy: ang bastos ko talaga
Kaloy: pero sometimes
Kaloy: i think im the one who is right
Kaloy: because she never listens
Kaloy: she is narrow minded
Kaloy: sobra
j: COT
Kaloy: lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko
Kaloy: i should stop disrespecting her
j: COT
Kaloy: because its wrong
j: COT
Kaloy: ano yan>?
j: change of topic
Kaloy: uhm
Kaloy: hindi ba pwedeng maglabas ako ng sama ng loob?
j: pwede..
j: pero..
j: cge lang..
Kaloy: ano?
j: i'm uncomfortable with the topic
j: it rubs me the wrong way
Kaloy: i really need someone who could just listen
j: ok lang..
Kaloy: because i want it out
j: i'm here
j: listening
Kaloy: kasi
Kaloy: para kasing nagco-contradict ang personality namin ni momy e
Kaloy: hindi kami magkasundo
Kaloy: hindi talaga kami magkasundo
Kaloy: im always hard headed when it comes to her
Kaloy: hot headed din
j: hehe
Kaloy: nagka-clash kami ni momy lagi
Kaloy: i am aware naman
Kaloy: that what she wants is the best
Kaloy: yadi yadi ya
j: it's yada
Kaloy: but shes not always right
j: yada yada
j: hehe
Kaloy: i typed it the way i though of it
j: haha
Kaloy: thought
j: funny
Kaloy: anyways
Kaloy: she is not always right
Kaloy: and she doesnt see it
Kaloy: because she is narrow minded
Kaloy: hay naku
Kaloy: kakain na kami
j: hehe
Kaloy: i will be right back
j: will u be back?
j: ok
Kaloy: yes

***

Kaloy: pero i think
Kaloy: you know what
Kaloy: she is also poisoning the mind of my dad
j: hehe
Kaloy: kasi my dad doesnt like me talking to the phone, in general
j: it's pathetic.. sorry for the term
Kaloy: tapos my mom would say na its you who im talking to
Kaloy: tapos walang kwenta daw ang pinaguusapan
j: tss
Kaloy: ang pinaguusapan ay ung kung ano ang pinapanood sa tv
j: pssssh
j: psssh
j: tsssssss
Kaloy: tawanan lang ng tawanan daw
Kaloy: armpf
j: hehe
Kaloy: kainis
Kaloy: unreasonable
j: well..
j: to be honest.
Kaloy: matanda na kasi
j: when i look at this situation
j: i always regret that i chose bene
j: to go to highschool
j: i miss my friends back in grade school
j: kahit na di ako ganun ka kilala dun.
j: ???
j: pero..
j: di ko naman kayo makikilala
j: which is far worse
Kaloy: yeah
Kaloy: everything happens for a reason
Kaloy: to be honest
Kaloy: i dont know what will make me and my mom closer
Kaloy: she tried to bribe me with going out to the mall
Kaloy: i mean not really bribe
j: strategy
Kaloy: she tried to get to me by going to the mall
Kaloy: movie
Kaloy: grocery
Kaloy: eat good food
Kaloy: shop for what i want
Kaloy: she tried it
Kaloy: but she just doesnt see that its not what i want
Kaloy: i dont want to be happy by means of material things
j: hehe..
Kaloy: because it would only make me more lonely
j: ok lang yan
Kaloy: it would make me feeel bad about myself
Kaloy: im not into material things
j: hehe
Kaloy: i just want a mom who would listen
j: that's ggod
j: good
Kaloy: a mom that is open
Kaloy: open-minded
Kaloy: a mom that would not always insists what she wants
Kaloy: insist
j: that's ok
Kaloy: un lang talaga
Kaloy:
j: ako naman miss ko talaga ung mems nung bata pa ako
j: kasi..
j: nung gradeschool ako..
j: di ko pa nashare
Kaloy: wait lang
Kaloy: di pa ako tapos
Kaloy: hehe
j: ok
Kaloy: di nya ata napapansin
Kaloy: im not talking to her
Kaloy: no really
Kaloy: i dont initiate conversations with her
Kaloy: i dont like to talk to her
Kaloy: kasi it would always turn out na ako ang mali
Kaloy: na may mali ako
Kaloy: na may tama sya
j: aww
j: tsk tsk
Kaloy: i dont like to talk to her talaga
Kaloy: kasi
Kaloy: iinit lang ulo ko
j: onga..
Kaloy: kasi she wouldnt listen naman e
j: lagi sa phone
Kaloy: she would not listen to me
Kaloy: wat u mean>
Kaloy: lagi sa phone?
j: nagaaway kayo
j: walang matinong conversation
Kaloy: she always insists what she wants
Kaloy: she doesnt listen to the message of my words
Kaloy: when i raise my voice
Kaloy: what she knows
Kaloy: it that i raised my voice
Kaloy: she did not hear what i said
Kaloy: gets mo?
j: tr to understand
j: try
Kaloy: i am trying talaga
Kaloy: so hard
j: well
Kaloy: as in
Kaloy: sa isip ko
Kaloy: pinapagalitan ko sarili ko
j: in time
j: everything will fall into place
Kaloy: im asking from God the help
Kaloy: na hindi ako magtaas ng boses
Kaloy: na hindi ko sya mabastos
Kaloy: im asking God to help me
Kaloy: pero nothing happens
j: that's ok
Kaloy: sa hapagkainan
Kaloy: i dont talk to her
Kaloy: when she asks me something
Kaloy: di ko sya sinasagot ng mahusay
Kaloy: grabe
Kaloy: gusto ko talagang umiyak
Kaloy: tapos she tells my dad
Kaloy: lagi ko syang binabastos
Kaloy: eh yun lang ang alam nya
Kaloy: she doesnt figure out what is behind my behavior
Kaloy: sa totoo lang
Kaloy: nasaktan ako
Kaloy: nung lumabas kami sa SM para magpasarap
Kaloy: kasi before nun
Kaloy: away kami
j: ano
Kaloy: tapos nung nagkaron ng days na ok kami
Kaloy: saka nya ako tinreat sa SM
Kaloy: ano yun
Kaloy: material rewards
j: no
Kaloy: i dont need it
Kaloy: ano un>
Kaloy: ?
j: that's the only wa she can show that she's sorry
Kaloy: hindi
Kaloy: wait
Kaloy: eto kasi
Kaloy: after
Kaloy: after nung lumabas kami to S<
Kaloy: SM
Kaloy: away ulit kami
Kaloy: tapos sabi nya
j: bakit?
Kaloy: ano pa ba gusto mo
j: ouch
Kaloy: pinanood na kita ng sine
j: onga noh
Kaloy: pinakain na kita
Kaloy: tapos ganyan ka pa rin
j: parng ang dating sumbat
Kaloy: sabi nya
Kaloy: masakit un sobra
j: why..
Kaloy: parang pinapamukha nya sa akin na hanggang material things lang ako
j: maybe ur mom has no outlet of her deep anger
j: she's sullen
j: alam mo na
Kaloy: whats why i would rather spend most of my day with an inanimate object like the computer, at nalilihis ang isip ko sa mga problema, than to talk to her
Kaloy: para walang away
Kaloy: what u mean sullen?
Kaloy: ?
j: uhh..
j: show irritation
Kaloy: so
Kaloy: what were u trying to say?
Kaloy: hindi no nagets
Kaloy: ko
j: she keeps it inside
j: so..
j: na tratranslate ung anger nya into other stuff
j: such as his relationship to you
j: to the way things are inside the house
j: basically everything
Kaloy: such as pagaayos ng bahay
Kaloy: paglilinis
Kaloy: pagdidilig
j: it may be true
j: yes
Kaloy: wala akong nakikitang efforts from her
j: simple things turn out to be complicated
Kaloy: to get close to me
j: maybe she's overboard
Kaloy: yes lagi lagi nyang pinapalaki ang mga maliliit na bagay
Kaloy: so true
Kaloy: i gues
Kaloy: you have a point
Kaloy: you may be true
Kaloy: eh ano ang galit nya?
j: yeah
Kaloy: hindi ko alam kung san galing ang galit nya
j: that's the question
j: maybe she realized something true
j: and it really bruised her
j: i'm no saying that she does...
j: pero baka.. meron din syang angry girl disease
j: alam mo un?
j: hehe
j: funny
Kaloy: no
j: meron din sa lalaki nun eh
j: di ko alam tawag
Kaloy: tsaka to be honest
j: rage something ata
Kaloy: kaya din ganito ang pagiisip ko
Kaloy: kasi hangang ngayon
Kaloy: traumatized pa rin ako
Kaloy: sa nangyari sa summer job ko
Kaloy: last year
Kaloy: remember?
j: huh?
Kaloy: yung narinig ko yung phone call ng drunk dad ko with another woman he has an affair with
Kaloy: na-trauma ako
Kaloy: emotionally
Kaloy: hanggang ngayon
j: dunn that
Kaloy: may galit pa rin ako
j: dunno
Kaloy: oh i guess i did not tell that to yo
j: aww
Kaloy: galit pa rin ako
Kaloy: that was the worst moment in my life
Kaloy: at dinadamdam ko sya hangang ngayon

DISCLAIMER: edited ang paguusap na ito... binura ko ang mga linyang walang kinalaman sa kabuuang ideya pati ang mga linyang sensitibo...

just saying so..

2007-05-17T06:21:00.000+08:00

finals have started this week. my first exam would be on monday. maths. and believe it or not, i'm nervous and scared. hahahaay. after that, summer sets in. and earlier, my dad was talking about planning his schedule for the summer. and he was talking about europe, especially paris. woohoo! eiffel tower and disneyland! hihihi! exciting. but then, what about going home and visiting? maybe if this happened three weeks ago, i would have whined about going home and push it to happen. but now, i find it wierd. i'm confused. do you think it's a good idea to not go home for a while and maybe in another year or two? do you think that this is for the best? maybe it's just what i need. but then, i would have missed out on so much more.

Why nobody's life is getting better...

2007-05-15T09:50:00.000+08:00

people of conscience vote for the candidates who present a convincing platform that addresses the problems of the masses..

but they do not know that they will not get what they want by voting these candidates that promise them a better life..

you see, the strategy is: public officials deprive people of a better life in order for them to create a platform based on poverty-related issues and problems that they will use for the next elections in order for them to be elected again.. and once they are, they will have access to government resources to be used for their own interest, which is to make their own lives better and to make possible an another term in the public office come the next elections..

that's why nobody's life is getting better..

not even the lives of those who do dirty..

Vote or not, no change...

2007-05-13T11:17:00.000+08:00

this one will be brief and simple, yet it could hit you like a ton of those rusting yellow ballot boxes from ComElec..

OUR VOTES WILL NEVER MAKE A CHANGE..

AS LONG AS OUR VOTES CAN BE CHANGED..

AS LONG AS OUR VOTES CAN BE BOUGHT..

AND AS LONG AS VOTES CAN BE PRODUCED..

we may discover and prove the dirt of the funds of candidates.. we may hear all their political wrongdoings being thrown here and there every now and then.. and we may vote for the ones whom we believe could really eradicate the political problems of our rotting country.. but because of the fact that our country is rotting, it is true that the couple of minutes that we will spend inside the voting precincts may be just of no sense at all..

now, who needs elections with only people full of crap to vote for? with all of the dirty deeds of incumbent and aspiring politicians, nobody REALLY wins.. at all..

The filth of philippine politics: corruption's advantage...

2007-05-10T10:13:00.000+08:00

i know.. you may be perplexed, thinking: "what? corruption has an advantage?"

well.. advantages do not necessarily deliver good things for the good of everybody, you see..

whether we like it or not, corruption brings good things, unfortunately, to some people [only]..

past the fact that it brings material fortune to government officials who engage in the infamous activity, i'm talking about the ones who run for public office..

we all know about corruption.. i mean, we are fully aware that it is widespread in our government.. in fact, our country is known all over the world for it.. and we all abhor it, proven by decades of rallies, protests, impeachment cases, and, of course, the series of people power revolutions..

however, this fact, apparently, is used by the ruthless ones who are thrilled to grab a seat in our government to lay down on a bed of cash..

they say that they will fight corruption when they finally get the position they are running for, although some of us are aware that what they are saying are exactly the opposite of what they are doing or what they did.. they even make commitments ahead, even though they are candidates still, saying that they will not run again for re-election if they will not be able to fulfill their promises.. they include it in their surreal generalized platform, which is not expounded to the public for it to be understood.. they broadcast it in the airwaves, squeezing out the creativity of their dedicated yet foolish supporters to apply it on their advertisements in order to catch the attention of the people and "plant" their names on their intoxicated minds.. they buy the recommendations of different influential organizations and relgious groups.. they shell out millions of money for a position that supposedly gives back only thousands.. they travel all over the country and show their crooked faces covered with lies, deception, greed, and selfishness.. and they boast about it, saying that they can and they will abolish corruption if you vote for them..

and we who are suffocated by all the misleading publicity, we who are desperate for an overhaul in public governance, we who are blinded by our beliefs, may it be religious or cultural, that can be easily manipulated and corrupted by power, and we who, for every election, are presented with nothing but deceiving promises and false hopes like it.. it's like ear candy, hearing those seemingly famous celebrities who happen to run our country say the things that we want to hear, the things that we want to happen for the good of our country, the things that we are hoping for, the things that give us encouragement to live another day of misery, the things that catch our attention and make us vote for the ones we remember come the election day..

simply put, they say what we want to hear, we write what we hear and remember, they do what they want to do given the power to do so..

skeptical or cynical i may seem, but i am so sick of the filth of philippine politics, hearing every now and then unproven controversies related to cheating at the elections that will be soon left hanging in the air again, just like the other controversies in the previous elections.. that's why i'm not going to vote until i see a change.. and i wonder when will that be..

if only God could vote for us.. *sigh*

and now, the queston is: shall truth prevail this time around?

song in my head..

2007-05-08T19:40:00.001+08:00

I Can't Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me

Cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
Cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

I'll close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you dont feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do whats right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
Cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

Aint no use in crying, baby.

Visit!

2007-05-04T17:27:00.000+08:00

Tsk tsk tsk...

2007-05-04T11:41:00.001+08:00

disturbing..

It's about time!!!!!

2007-05-02T12:08:00.000+08:00

yes..

ladies and gentle people (of all sexual preferences)..

due to intrapersonal demand..

i have decided that..

it's about time for me to..

*drumroll please*

post a new entry..

egad! a new entry? *gossip gossip*

yep, a NEW entry.. emphasis on the N, the E, and the W..

emphasis amplified by the date of my last entry..

it has been, seriously, decades since i last poured my demented soul into this cyber chunk of my concept of self, as vividly shown through the gray threads of my deteriorating brain.. and i noticed the pulsating glow of molds whenever i click links..

okay, enough of the welcome remarks.. let's get to business..

egad! he skipped the welcome remarks? he already wants to get to "business"? *gossip gossip*

damn, i hate this laptop.. the marks on the keys don't match its outputs..

ahem.. yes, i wanna get down to business already.. i had enough of the chit-chat..

*preventing self from segue*

whew! what a struggle! ahem ahem..

there are a lot of things that override my consciousness once in a while..

like my problems with my family.. with philippine politics.. with my love life, in general.. with my so-called friends.. with my self, et al..

i'll tackle them one by one, shall i?

nah.. forever's not enough (eliminate sarah geronimo from your stream of consciousness as of the moment, please) for me to (no, not 'love you'!) disclose all of those things.. and besides, its wills hurts, you knows.. i'd rather leave it inside me and let it devour my sanity and destroy my stability from the inside..

so what's the sense of creating this blog entry?

well, i guess it doesn't have to explain its existence to anyone.. it just stands in solitude (not that it knows it does) in cyberspace.. it serves as my portal to the immaterial buffer of all the loneliness and negativity and imperfection in the world..

just like any other blog entry..

that reminded me of a verse from a song by john mayer..

i'm dizzy from the shopping mall, i searched for joy but i bought it all, it doesn't help the hunger pain and a thirst i'd have to drown first to ever satiate..

like i said, there are tons of things that bother my thinking every single day.. problems, imbalance, injustice, lots and lots of things really.. it's the result of the 24/7 activity of my brain, always analyzing things.. tsk.. but don't think that i'm also minding the problems of the rest of the mourning world.. those things that i mentioned are my own personal problems.. problems that i have kept so long inside my fist-sized heart.. and yet, i still have no plans of divulging any of those abyss-deep problems.. i don't know, and i don't even understand, i can't organize everything in my head, they're too much.. and i know not even professionals could..

amid all of these chaotic stuff that rumble inside my head, what makes me happy? tsk.. that word.. so vague.. so absurd.. friends, music, games, movies, television, they're just temporary relief.. wikipedia.org defines happiness as an emotional or affective state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction.. well, i've had that a million times.. but it never lasted..

and what would the definiton have in effect? it's just a definition.. for the sake of having a basis, a point of reference..

the world may try to define everything, but we always have a choice whether to put up with those definitions or create our own and defy the world..

and because we are damn humans, we will always search for the things that we do not have.. a never-ending search for happiness.. a never-ending search for solutions to problems that will inevitably result to more problems..

ergo, life is sad, so complicated.. but its really up to us to make ourselves experience our self-defined happiness and satisfaction and fulfillment..

another verse from the same song by john mayer..

i can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design, i wish there was an over the counter test for loneliness, for loneliness like this..

*sigh* i wish these things that i type could convey what really is inside my head.. so problematic.. so chaotic, difficult to decipher, i know.. i wish that these could make everyone understand who i am, what i think, what i am capable of, why i am like this, everything that encompass my concept of "self"..

and like the search for happiness, this entry could go on and on without end.. i have opened a lot of matters, inspired a lot of questions, induced a lot of arguments, but i choose to end it.. (you must be getting tired at this point..)

like i choose to end my attachment to social constructions.. i choose to think for myself.. i choose to go on with life even if despair keeps on dragging me to its deep trench.. i choose to continue on searching for meanings, for justice, for that small speck of light among the darkness that envelopes my consciousness..

starkness may cover my eyes with black shroud, but i will always be eager to see what i should see, what i want to see, what i need to see..

my self may forever hide in the shadows, but it will always surface as substantial, and very much human..

Clearing my clogged arteries...

2007-01-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

mama_mich: hi kapatid
Kaloy: ei mich!
mama_mich: busy?
Kaloy: nope
Kaloy: haaay
Kaloy: im so lonely
Kaloy: nakakulong ako ngayon...
Kaloy: figuratively of course
mama_mich: same here.
mama_mich: first time ko atang mawala ng inspiration haha
mama_mich: do tell..
Kaloy: haaay
Kaloy: well
Kaloy: naiinis talaga ako sa sarili ko
Kaloy: ang daling bumaba at sumama ng loob ko
Kaloy: di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko sa pagiisip ng mga masasamang bagay against other people
Kaloy: lagi ko na lang pinagiisipan ng masama ang mga tao
Kaloy: kahit hindi dapat
mama_mich: oh.
Kaloy: i romanticize things gravely
Kaloy: at hindi ko siya maiwasan
Kaloy: hindi ko mabawasan ang ugaling yan
mama_mich: maybe that's just the stress talking?
Kaloy: kasi, para ko na ring hinanapan ng paraan kung paano bawasan ang pagkatao ko
Kaloy: no, im not stressed
Kaloy: in fact, naiinis din ako dahil wala akong ginagawa
Kaloy: assistant production manager nga ako ng prod namin
Kaloy: wala naman akong specific tasks that would keep me busy
Kaloy: mas busy pa nga ang mga props people kaysa sa akin eh
Kaloy: may sakit na ata ako
mama_mich: wow.
Kaloy: kelangan lagi akong busy
mama_mich: kalma lang...
Kaloy: kundi magiging malungkot ako
Kaloy: allergic ako sa status na walang ginagawa
Kaloy: pag walang something sa utak ko
Kaloy: feeling ko wala akong kwenta
mama_mich: workaholic i see.
Kaloy: feel ko lahat ng tao may sama ng loob sakin
Kaloy: andaming nangyayari sa buong sistema ko pag hindi ako busy
Kaloy: halo halo ang mga emotion ko ngayon
Kaloy: sobrang nangungulila ako sa company ng mga kasama ko sa nagdaang play
Kaloy: tapos feel ko pa may mga friends akong may hidden grudge sa akin at nagkakaisa sila against me
Kaloy: tapos ngayon, andaming hindi nagrereply sa mga text ko
Kaloy: e pag ganun, nasisiraan talaga ako ng bait
Kaloy: kapag alam kong kaya naman magreply, pero hindi nagrereply
Kaloy: ngayon, ang tagal na pinaghintay ako ng friend ko para kumain
Kaloy: tapos hindi na pala ako masasamahan bigla
Kaloy: tapos may mga friends ako na close ko dati, ngayon parang wala na ako sa kanila
Kaloy: wala nang nagtetext sa akin na nagyayaya na lumabas o pumunta sa kanila
Kaloy: yung dating gawi namin, nagka prod lang ako, nawala na
Kaloy: ngayon tapos na, wala pa rin
Kaloy: kanya kanya pa rin
Kaloy: feel ko ayaw akong isama
Kaloy: feel ko may galit sila sa akin
mama_mich: sigh.
Kaloy: tapos feel ko wala akong kwentang APM
Kaloy: wala akong ginagwa
Kaloy: ngayon nakatanga lang ako
Kaloy: i feel so pathetic talaga
mama_mich: karlo.
Kaloy: ako ata ang pinagmumulan ng lahat ng negative thoughts sa mundo e
Kaloy: sa akin nag-originate ang romanticization
Kaloy: sobra
Kaloy: nakakulong ako ngayon sa sarili kong ugali
Kaloy: na hindi ko alam kung makaka-laya pa ako
Kaloy: o baka hindi na
Kaloy: bihag ako ng mapag-diktang lipunan na ginagalawan natin
Kaloy: ngayon ko lang napansin
Kaloy: walang binatbat sina marcos at hitler
Kaloy: walang binatbat ang kanilang dictatorship
Kaloy: sa dictatorship ng society
mama_mich: sige labas mo lang.
Kaloy: wala na talaga akong masandalan ngayo
Kaloy: buti nanjan ka
Kaloy: kundi baka nagbreakdown na ako dito sa pc schop
Kaloy: *shop
mama_mich: idaan mo na lang kaya sa pagsusulat..
Kaloy: ganito talaga ang nangyayari sa akin kapag wala akong kasama
Kaloy: kapag wala akong ginagawa
Kaloy: kailangan laging gumagana ang utak ko
Kaloy: kung hindi, nalulungkot ito
Kaloy: nagme-melt
Kaloy: nagde-deteriorate
Kaloy: nagdi-diminish
Kaloy: nagdi-disintegrate
Kaloy: nawawala
Kaloy: yun na lang
Kaloy: nawawalan ng silbi
Kaloy: feel ko talaga wala akong silbi
mama_mich: blog.
Kaloy: wala
Kaloy: wala akong maisukat
Kaloy: maisulat
Kaloy: kanina nakabukas na siya
Kaloy: sinara ko na
Kaloy: dahil blanko lang siya
mama_mich: sige.
mama_mich: just let it all out na lang sa akin
Kaloy: wala na akong masabi
Kaloy: parang yun na yun
Kaloy: as of the moment
mama_mich: hmm.
mama_mich: clear your mind.
mama_mich: medyo napupuno na.
Kaloy: oo
mama_mich: see my pic?
Kaloy: punung puno na siy
mama_mich: see my pic?
Kaloy: ya
Kaloy: anu yan
mama_mich: that's you
Kaloy: saw 4?
mama_mich: hehe..
mama_mich: kaw nga yan eh.
Kaloy: oh
Kaloy: yea
mama_mich: tingnan mo.pag kalma ka na pagtatawanan mo na lang yan.
Kaloy: hmm
Kaloy: pag masaya na ako
mama_mich: nursing intervention: CBR. complete bed rest.
Kaloy: pag masaya na akio
Kaloy: ako
Kaloy: pag nakatulog na akio
Kaloy: ako
Kaloy: ako!
Kaloy: anu ba
mama_mich: hehe..
Kaloy: anu ba yang i na yan
Kaloy: pag nakatulog at pag masaya na ako
Kaloy: mawawala na siguro ang lahat nang yan
mama_mich: korek.
mama_mich: CBR.
Kaloy: salamat talaga mama mich
Kaloy: thanks for being here
mama_mich: it's my job
Kaloy: actually, magkakaron na ako ng entry
Kaloy: sa blog
Kaloy: alam mo kung ano?
mama_mich: yun naman pala!
mama_mich: ano?
Kaloy: eto...

INAHITAN NG KILAY

2007-01-10T23:09:00.000+08:00

Kahapon, nagpunta ako sa salon para i-test ang magme- make-up sakin sa Saturday. Una nyang ginawa: Kumuha ng blade, at ayun, inahit ang aking kilay. Ilang kilay na rin siguro ang naahit niya, at parang wala nalang sa kanya ang pag-aahit ng kilay ng may kilay. Sa katunayan nga, mahapdi yung inahit niya, siguro dahil dry yung skin ko o ewan, di ko alam.

Pero bakit andrama ko?

Kasi mula noong bata ako, sabi ng nanay ko, sabog daw ang kilay ko. At para sa akin, ang mga nag-aahit lang ng kilay, ay yung mga matatanda na. At take note, ninipisan nya. Waaah. Tahimik lang ako at walang kalaban laban, dahil alam kong kailangang ahitin iyon. Pero sa loob ko, nagsusumigaw ako. Pinagpapawisan ng butil butil at tila tuturukan ng Potassium Chloride sa aking vein (Lethal injection). Tinititigan ko pa ang kilay ng parlorista o salonista na si Jaya. (Babae po sya di bading!) Hmm... Siguro gusto niya parehas kami.

Ganito ang pakiramdam ko ngayong 10:42 ng gabi. Jan. 10, 2006. Dahil maya-maya, Jan.11 na. Ayun, 18th Birthday ko na pala. Sayang, di umabot yung aso ko na kabirthday ko rin, Lola na kasi yun. Last year lang siya namatay. PERO ipinagpapasalamat ko, ANNIVERSARY din ng mga magulang ko ang Jan. 11. Ang cute noh? Hahaha. Ako daw ang gift sa kanila! (Haha!)

Babay na sa sabog na kilay ng pagiging nene. Sabi nila, dalaga na daw ako, magtino na daw ako. Matuto na daw akong kumendeng at makipagfriends sa guys. Magsmile daw ako palagi at magplano na daw ako sa buhay. Mag-isip na din daw ako ng pagkukuhanan ng kabuhayan. Galingan ko daw mag-aral kasi malapit na ko magtrabaho. (10 years pa? pag nagmed? hahahah). Ang weird. Excited ako sa bagong kilay. Pero alam ko na kilay lang naman yun. Parang edad, parang image. image lang naman yun. Edad lang naman yun. Wala namang magbabago. Ako pa rin si Chai, nabawasan lang ng kilay. Naging 18 lang manan ang edad ko. And so? Dati pa naman akong nag-iisip. dati pa ko nagsusumikap. Dati pa ko ngumingiti. Dati pa kong kumekendeng?? AHha! Di yata ako sanay talaga maging girlish masyado at dapat pang kumendeng. (Sorry sa photographer, nahirapan siyang gawin akong girly girly type. Nyahaha.) Dati pa naman akong marunong makipag-usap sa mga guys, (Though hindi ko naman talaga forte ang pang-aakit at pakikipaglandian... hmm.. wala pa kong balak nu!). Hahahaha!

Oh well, sabi nila, start na rin daw ng registration ng mga manliligaw ko. Mag-sign up nalang daw sila sa Jan.13. HAHA! JOKE ULI! Meron ba? Wala naman!!! Mukhang malabo pa yun. (Showbiz nanaman) Acads muna? Naku, di ko pwede sabihin yun dahil hindi matatapos ang acads ko. Baka maging single forever ako pag sinabi kong acads muna. Di rin naman pwedeng boylets muna, kasi hellow. Understood na sagot dun. Kaya sana sabay nalang? Haha. Sana magcompliment ang boylet life and book life. Posible kaya? Hahaha.

Nagyon, malaki supposedly ang problema ko, dahil nakaccumulate ang trabaho ko. Pero di naman mauubos ang homeworks. "Ang debut, once lang, kaya i-enjoy na" sabi ni madir yen ko. Tama ba? Nag-online lang ako, at napansin kong wlang laman ang blog ko na latest. Eh special day na pala bukas. At ngayon. Di ko magawang palampasin kahit pa napakaraming dapat gawin.

Syangapala, nagpapasalamat po ako Lord, dahil kahit kailan, hindi niyo ako pinabayaan.

Family, Friends, Institutions, my Country, the people I love... I am not celebrating the eighteen years of my Existence tomorrow (an hour later), but the Luck and Bliss of having EVERYONE and everything that happened to me in my life that made me who I am now. Wala po akong maipagmamalaki, dahil kung ano ako ngayon, yun ang dulot ninyong lahat sa akin. Kaya naman po nagpapasalamt ako sa inyong lahat.

Madami pang mangyayari, at excited na ko sa buhay ko. Sana samahan niyo pa rin po ako.

Ok... Back to Emulsions. PhCh126.1 pa bukas, monitors kami. hehe. See ya guys on Saturday. (^_^)

Parting...

2006-12-12T19:56:00.000+08:00

Parting

By: Joseph Pardo

I said,

Leave him now before it’s too late

You hesitate a moment you wanted to wait

But I pushed you on and force you to decide

I said,

“Look you don’t have to be so kind.”

You said,

“But I don’t love him anymore.”

So I begged you to leave him alone

Finally you agreed

And we put the phone down

I was happy for you

At last you were free

But I cried

Cause I know that him…

Was ME…

To be or not to be...that is the question?

2006-12-08T20:07:00.000+08:00

To be or not to be…that is the question?

For the past couple of weeks I can’t help but notice that the title of this entry is the question on the minds of the people close to me and it also happens that this also the question that is on my mind as well. Personally, I am being faced with the daunting task of facing my past and learning how to deal with it and letting it go. As anyone of you know this isn’t easy to do and one has to be prepared for anything that might happen. Being able to face the truth about yourself and maybe of other and realizing that there are just some things you can’t control and move on. There’s a lot from my past that I haven’t dealt with and now I will have to make choices that I have put off for some time.

Coming to grips with it isn’t easy for me or for anyone simply because we are scared of what we might find or realize about ourselves. Most of the time we just push it aside and focus on other things or we go through denial, sublimation, sour-grapping and other forms of defense mechanisms that “make” us cope with life and I am guilty of that. I’ve tried not to deal with it and frankly it gets tiring after a while. You realize that most of your energies have been going to something else rather than important aspects of your life.

My best friend made me realize that no matter what it has to be me that makes my own happiness and my own life. A lesson that I seem to have forgot over the past couple of months. Life is what I make of it and if I spend so much time just pretending then I won’t be able to do the things that I need to do. I won’t be able to make my dreams come true. I was walking home Saturday night and I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the night sky was. The moon was out, not a cloud in the sky, there’s a chill in the air and it made me realize that if I wanted to be happy again then I have to do it on my own. That night I decided to make something more of my life and live it to the fullest. I need to make a change and in order to do that I need to come to terms with my past and with my life. I won’t be easy and I know that I’ll fall along the way but someday things will be ok and I will be ok.

I would like to end this with the song that lifts me up entitled “Someday” by Nina:

“Someday…someone’s gonna love me…

The way…I wanted you to need me…

Someday…someone’s gonna take your place…

One day…I’ll forget about you…

You’ll see…I won’t even miss you…

Soemday…someday…”

And the kitchen chronicles continue...

2006-11-02T17:10:00.000+08:00

kung nung isang araw, pancakes ang drama ko..

ngayon naman, babasaging basong nabasag (tongue twister?) at hilaw na vanilla meringue..

wow, kitchen chronicles ito.. hindi naman sa nagpapaka-Tita ako or nagpapaka-Nacha (characters mula sa Like Water For Chocolate).. nagkataon lang na ang kusina ang refuge ko.. kapag wala akong magawa at trip kong kumain, magluto, o mag-experiment, sa kitchen ako pumupunta.. nagtaka nga ang mga magulang ko kung bakit hindi na lang daw ako nag-HRM eh.. ako din, napa-isip..

pero sayang naman ang pagiging anak ng Sining ko kung nag-HRM lang ako, di ba? mas malaki nga naman kasi ang chance kong umasenso sa larangan ng Arts kaysa sa Culinary.. at kung pinursue ko pa ang pagluluto eh di lalo akong tumaba at lalong umikli ang buhay ko.. tsaka pwede naman akong mag-CCA pag tapos na ako sa BACA di ba.. eh di tama pala ang daang tinatahak ko ngayon.. hehehehe..

haaayy.. mag-isa na naman ako ngayon sa bahay..

at nakabasag na naman ako ng baso.. para akong bata na sobrang haphazard kapag iniwan mo sa bahay nang mag-isa.. well, sa totoo lang, 24/7 akong haphazard..

kasi naman noh, magkakatabi yung mga plastic at babasagin na baso dun sa lalagyan.. nung kumuha ako ng plastic na baso, natabig ko yung babasagin.. eh di yun, nangyari ang nangyari.. nabasag ito into hundredes of pieces.. tulad ng nangyari sa puso ko nung..

sobrang nahirapan akong hanapin ang mga bubog sa counter.. yung ibang piraso kasi malalaki pero karamihan ay parang microbes na sa sobrang liit.. ang ginawa ko, nangapa ako.. at ano ang nangyari? eh di nasugatan ako.. pati nga wrist ko, nasugatan eh.. nagkaroon ito ng isang mahabang linya.. mukha nga akong naglaslas eh.. at ang palad ko naman ay punong puno ng mga pulang bituin..

nalinis ko naman ang counter at ang floor nang mabuti.. tingin ko naman ay wala nang masusugatan pa.. sana..

at ngayon ay iniisip ko kung paano ko sasabihin sa nanay ko na nabasag ko ang kanyang paboritong baso.. tsk tsk tsk..

pagkatapos ay nagbalak akong mag-experiment.. bumili ako ng dalawang itlog sa labas.. linsyak! 4.50 na isa! rawr..

binasag ko ang mga itlog na parang balot.. hiniwalay ko ang yolk sa white.. nilagay ko ang white sa isang BABASAGING bowl at ang yolk sa isang plastic na BASO.. nilagay ko sa ref yung BASO.. nilagyan ko yung BABASAGING bowl ng isang sakong puting asukal.. kinuha ko yung electric mixer sa ancient kitchen cabinet namin.. ilang minuto ding nag-vibrate ang aking kanang kamay.. nang maging fluffy na ito, nilagyan ko ito ng isang dosenang bote ng vanilla.. nag-vibrate na naman ang aking kamay for some minutes.. masarap ang naging resulta ng aking eksperimento.. vanilla meringue..

at ang naging dilemma? hindi ko alam kung paano ito maluluto.. hindi ko alam kung paano i-operate ang oven namin.. at yung pan nung oven toaster ay nawawala, grill lang.. sinubukan ko ito sa nonstick stove-top griddle.. wala ding nangyari, palpak.. kaya naman ay inilagay ko na lang ito sa freezer.. no further plans whatsoever..

haaayy.. ang buhay nga naman ng isang UPLB student kapag walang magawa at walang kasama sa bahay kundi ang TV at ang broadband.. napaka-pointless, chaotic, futile, unproductive, at bland.. rawr!

at hanggang ngayon, hindi pa siya nago-online.. miss ko na siya, sobra.. huhuhuhu.. biglang siningit daw? hahahaha..

im going crazy now.. and it's because of the despondency and solitude that has enveloped my soul from head to toe.. ako pa naman yung tipo ng tao na nababaliw talaga kapag walang magawa..

matulog? hindi uso sa akin ang siesta..

magbasa? asa..

mag-net? kanina pa.. iba naman!

magluto? tsk..

kumain? RAWR!

manood ng tv? masakit na ang mga mata ko..

waaahhh! wala akong magawa! buti na lang bukas babalik ako ng elbi to get my classcards and some things na naiwan sa aking rat hole..

teka, sabi ko goal kong matutuong mag-gitara? eh lagi naman wala ang kuya ko eh.. online lessons? ineffective most probably.. what to do? what to do? what to do?! hmmm..

speaking of "?!".. nakaka-asar talaga yung mga taong hindi marunong gumamit ng "?!", lalo na sa text.. nakakalito kasi kung nage-exclaim ba siya or nagtatanong.. rawr!

nakaka-asar din yung mga taong ayaw pang sabihin na gusto nila ang isang tao.. eh? naaasar pala ako sa sarili ko.. hahahaha.. pero ang gusto kong tamaan dun ay yung mga taong may gusto sa akin pero ayaw lang sabihin.. hahahaha.. joke lang po..

ito lang ang blog entry na sari-sari ang topics.. parang naging journal ko na talaga ito ah.. saya! at pansin niyo, napapadalas na ang aking pag-blog? hurrah! at least laging gising ang writing prowess ko di ba.. hmmm..

ganito lang ba talaga ang takbo ng utak ng isang manunulat? o ng isang taong deprived of love?

both..

ladies and gents.. pati na rin ang mga confused at undecided.. isama na ang mga kaluluwa..

adios..

;-)

Pancakes = Love life?

2006-10-31T19:38:00.000+08:00

hay naku..

ang galing ko talagang magluto kahit kelan..

aspiring chef pa naman ako.. huhuhuhu..

3 out of 12 pancakes ang nasunog ko.. pancakes na yun ah.. as in yung pumikit-ka-lang-luto-na pancakes.. understandable naman yung mga nauna kong nasunog.. tocino.. manok.. baboy.. eh kamusta naman? pancakes na nga lang, sunog pa? rawr..

sinunog, este, sinunod ko naman yung instructions dun sa likod ng pack.. beat egg hanggang mawala yung foam.. tapos ilagay yung pancake mix.. add oil and water (wala nang measurements ha, detailed na masyado eh) and mix until the lumps disappear (na naman).. tapos gumamit pa ako ng nonstick stove-top grill ha.. wait until bubbles break on top.. nag-wait nga ako hanggang mapuno ng bubbles yung tuktok.. tapos tinaob ko skillfully.. (playing: psycho's musical score)

wala rin.. nasunog din.. nasunog as in pitch black na sunog.. burnt to perfection.. tapos yung pagkasunog pa nila eh yung tipong masusuka ka dahil dun ka pa lang nakakita ng ganung klaseng entity sa mundong ibabaw.. mukha ngang inihaw eh.. shocking kung shocking.. itim kung itim..

well, syempre may mga parts na brown, dark brown, at golden brown.. but still, cancerous na silang tatlo.. they already have "nitrosamine", a carcinogen na matatagpuan sa mga burnt foods.. tsk tsk tsk..

yung unang pancake na naluto ko, perfect ang kulay.. as in pure golden brown.. walang brown, dark brown, yellowish brown, taish brown, at brownish brown.. talagang perfect kung perfect..

tapos yung sumunod na tatlo, yun yung mga nasunog..

tapos yung mga sumunod, ok na.. almost perfect na..

nung paubos na yung pancake mix, naisip ko bigla ang love life ko.. i connected the pancakes sa aking love life.. yung unang pancake, perfect.. yung mga sumunod, hindi na..

could there be only one person in my life who would be perfect for me? and yung taong yun ay yung pinaka unang minahal ko?

hmmm..

eh?

si c***?!

ewan.. malay mo, di ba? pwede rin.. noh, pardz? hehehehe.. shabu! ;-)

tapos yung pangalawa, pangatlo, at pang-apat ay yung mga palpak..

nakaka-ilan na ba ako? hmmm.. nasa pang-apat pa lang yata ako.. ewan.. di ko na mabilang.. hahahaha.. kaya pala iniyakan ko yung mga sumunod kay c***.. sila yung mga sunog.. hahahaha..

tapos yung mga sumunod, pwede na.. almost perfect..

hmmm..

ganito rin kaya ang mangyayari sa love life ko?

yung first love, yun yung makakatuluyan ko sa bandang huli?

yung tatlong susunod sa kanya, walang kwenta? iiyak lang ako? masasaktan lang ako?

tapos yung walong sumunod, pwede na pero ang hahanap-hanapin ko pa rin ay yung una?

hmmm..

abangan..

ang susunod na batch ng pancakes..

;-)

Tagalog is the dialect of my heart tonight...

2006-10-21T23:38:00.000+08:00

magta-tagalog ako ngayon kasi gusto ng puso ko.. pakialam ko sa mga nagbabasa nito na hindi marunong umintindi ng tagalog? nalulugmok na ang puso ko sa kaka-translate sa Ingles ng mga Tagalog nitong emosyon at hinaing.. matagal nang kinakatok ng puso ko ang utak ko.. buksan na daw ang reservoir ng mga Tagalog na salita.. inaamag na't lahat eh.. kelan ko ba huling ginamit ang Pinoy side ng utak ko? nung high school pa, sa school paper.. damn, tagal na nun ah.. hmm.. kakalimutan ko na din muna ang format na automatic na sine-set ng utak ko pag nagta-type ako.. bayaan ko na muna ang mga daliri ko na mag-dominate ngayong gabi..

mang-away.. mang-guilt trip..

yan lang ba ang kaya kong gawin nang tama? sa dami ng functions ko as a human being, parang ang pang-aaway lang (lalo na sa text) ang nagagawa ko nang successful everytime na ginagawa ko ito.. sensya na kay biboy at kay jester na recently ay inaaway ko sa text dahil.. hmmm.. bakit nga ba? ay oo nga pala.. mahangin pa sila kay Milenyo at kay Katrina.. pero sorry pa rin sa pang-aaway, hehehe.. tsaka ang galing kong mang-guilt trip.. talagang napapa-sorry ang mga tao sa akin everytime eh.. kaya siguro wala masayadong nang-aaway sa akin.. masaya naman ako na kahit papaano ay may nagagawa ako nang tama.. pero sana lang ang nagagawa ko ay nakatutulong sa pag-ayos ng buhay ko na binabagyo araw-araw di ba? sana lang, maayos muna ang buhay ko bago ako manggulo ng iba..

moda..

eto nga lang ba ang kaya kong gawin sa mundong ibabaw? eto nga lang ba ang silbi ko? yan lang ang tangi kong nagagawa nang tama sa paningin ko at sa paningin ng iba.. sa dami ng mga pinag-gagagawa ko sa buhay, ito lang ang napapansin ng mga taong kilala ako.. kaya siguro ako binansagang "drama king".. pagmo-moda lang talaga ang napapasin ng mga tao.. profession ko na nga eh! araw-araw, nadadagdagan ang resume ko.. impressive na nga daw eh, sabi ni God, nung huling scan niya nito.. ito lang din ang pinag-iikutan ng mga conversations kung saan involved ako.. kung may sarili mang chemical symbol ang dugo ko, yun ay "Md".. kung may lasa man ang mga luha ko, hindi ito maalat.. magkakaroon ng panibagong term para dito: "mody".. sweet, salty, bitter, sour, at mody.. kung magkaka-anak man ako at ang magbibigay ng pangalan nito ay ang mga taong nakapaligid sa akin, papangalanan nila itong "Modda" pag babae, at pag lalaki naman.. err.. sana babae na lang siya.. naaawa na nga ako sa mga kaibigan ko eh, lalo na kay pen.. siya na lang lagi ang nalalabasan ko ng emosyon.. siya na lang lagi ang napagbu-buntunan ko ng sama ng loob.. pisat ka na ba sa sobrang bigat ng damdamin ko? sorry ah.. pati ibang elbi friends ko na kasama sa group list na pinagse-sendan ko ng quotes everyday.. pati sila siguro, nauubusan na ng hininga sa paghabol sa tumatakbo kong psyche.. lagi nitong tinatakbuhan kasi ang mapait na katotohanan..

quoting..

ang tanging conscious na ginagawa ng mga daliri ko pag hindi na mataas ang araw sa langit.. ang tanging nagpapatawa sa utak ko tuwing tulala ito at may malalim na iniisip.. ang nagpapa-sulit sa perang pinanglo-load ko.. ang isa sa mga bagay na nagpapa-alala sa akin na marami akong kaibigan.. ang ginagawa ko pag wala akong magawa sa mundong ibabaw.. ang source ng katatawanan ng elbi.. isa na nga siyang craze ngayon eh, kung tutuusin.. para din itong isang epidemya kung kumalat sa mga daliri ng mga taong mahilig mag-text.. ang isa sa mga bagay na pumipigil sa pagpatak ng mga luha ko..

natutuyo na ang utak ko.. kamusta naman kasi, ilang araw na akong nagpupuyat.. siguro kung kukwentahin ang lahat ng tulog ko from october 15 to now, mabibilang pa ito sa mga digits ng mga paa mo at metacarpals ng mga kamay mo, naputulan man noong nakaraang New Year's Eve o hindi.. at ang dahilan ng aking pagpupuyat? hindi po acads.. wish ko lang na kaya kong magpuyat for acads noh.. *evil laugh* tumatambay lang kami around elbi.. wala lang.. masaya naman eh, kasama ko friends ko.. unforgettable nga eh, actually.. salamat kina lei, biboi, at jester na frequent kong karamay sa pagpupuyat at pagtatambay sa harap ng mini stop at sa iba pang sulok ng los banos.. dun sa iba pa na hindi ko na-mention na nakasama ko din sa pagpupuyat noon, salamat din.. ano pa ba ang mga dahilan ng aking pagpapaka-nocturnal sa paanan ng Makiling? text.. minsan acads din kahit papano.. pag-iisip? di naman masyado.. pagtambay with Crammer's Club! lalong lalo na yun.. hahaha.. luv ya'll!

pati tiyan ko humihiyaw na din.. kahit na sanay na siyang tumanggap ng pagkain twice a day lamang, at the back of its head naglalaway ito for a third batch.. by the way, gumagaan na ako! dahil sa stress at sa sobrang pagpupuyat.. at siguro pati na rin sa sobrang pagmomoda.. hahahaha..

masakit na rin ang aking mata.. kanina pa ako nakatitig sa screen nitong laptop sa harap ko.. (nagka-broadband nga, sa laptop naman ng brother ko kinabit, which is situated, obviously, sa kwarto niya.. rawr..) i think its time to end this na.. gusto nang matulog ng katawan ko, pero ang consciousness ko ayaw pa yata.. ok na siguro ito noh.. ito na nga yata ang pinakamahabang nagawa kong blog entry na sobrang personal ang approach eh.. ang sarap ng feeling ng pagtae ng ibang laman ng utak mo.. sobrang puno na kasi ang utak ko ng rubbish stuff eh, kinailangang magbawas.. so hindi lang pala pang-aaway ang successful na nagagawa ko.. pati pala pagsusulat din.. siguro nga, i am born to do it.. congratulate me.. meron pala talaga akong writing prowess.. akala ko binobola lang ako ng mga tao..

;-)

The Wind That Blew My Heart Away

2006-10-09T10:58:00.000+08:00

"No, it’s not that. It’s just,…It’s easier in the dark…But pretty soon, the lights are gonna come back on and…we’ll go back to being who we really are. Right? I mean, kissing might be… I don’t know, whatever, to you… but to me, it’ll mean something. And I’ll wake up tomorrow, wanting to do it again… and again, and… pretty much all the time. Somehow, I don’t think you’ll feel the same. On the day that changes,on the day you wake up and have to call me;then I’ll kiss you." - Mouth One Tree Hill

It's true isn't it? Its easier to to have some parts of our lives in the dark...makes it easier to deny that they're even there. In a way we all keep something in the dark don't we? To hide some part of ourselves that we feel no one would like to see...to hide soemthing that we feel no one will love. This is a sad truth that all of us face. We all wear masks...no one trully shows their true selves. We all try to hide behind something to make it seem that everything is ok;that we're alright We pretend to be ok when were not. We pretend not care because we got hurt We say never again when we fall even more. But it gets complicated; We get fed up; We give up. It's hard to keep pretending but we keep at it...why? Because we afraid of the consequences. Appearances are everything in this world and it sometimes makes me think if it's worth it? Are we all just hiding from something or someone? Are we afraid to get hurt or to be rescued?

just pass me by

2006-10-03T06:05:00.000+08:00

September 30 - 6:58pm

i've just got my caramel macchiato. there was a long line for hot drinks since it just finished raining hard and now all that's left is drizzle of rain and alot of wet ground. it's quite a long walk to the park in Leicester Square and hundreds of people are all around. i see families, tourists, couples, friends...oh the list just goes on.

i think about life here in the UK. everything is fast-paced. it's just so different.

i think about how i really have to spend alot for keeping in touch with text messages to people back home. and slowly text messages i send are lessened. and it's gonna be harder to keep in touch.

i think about i feel so left out from everything. i feel i'm missing out on alot. i'm so sad i'm not able to be a witness to all that is happening in my friends' lives. not everyone keeps in touch. but then i can't blame them. coz we're all busy anyway. sometimes i feel my friends are disappointed in me and avoiding me because of decisions i made. sometimes i feel like i'm forgetten. but that's too much drama for me.

they say there's a reason for everything. i don't want the reason for my being here is losing everyone that means the most to me.

then i wouldn't have any reason to go back home. ='(

Living the dream

2006-09-27T15:15:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been envious of other people who have been given oppertunities that you want to happen for yourself and you wonder how come it happened to them they don't even deserve it...I've been asking myself that for the past couple of weeks and my mind still ends up blank.

I've always believed that life is what we make of it. It is our choices that define the lives we lead. We shouldn't wait for oppertunities to come to us but rather we should make oppertunities happen for us but sometimes I can't help but ask myself how? How can I make things happen for myself?

I want to do a lot of things in my life...I want to be a great dancer, I want to make a movie, I want to go to Cannes, I want to be a gymnist and a like. I have so much in my mind that I want to do but then I don't know where to start. I don't know how in the world I can make all this happen. I know that I can make it happen. I have the talent, the dream, the determination but it seems that God has other plans for me. I've said this a million times and I still believe it until now...things happen for a reason and the Lord just has something better planned for me. I may not know what that plan might be but I have faith in him that everything is as it should be. I still get irritated whenever I hear or see people who do some of the things that I want to do but I just smile and say you're gonna see me do the same thing.

I will do everything that I want to do in life and you'll see that I would be living my dreams.

Lalans... Yoohoo!!!!

2006-09-23T16:59:00.000+08:00

Dearest Lalans,

Kamusta na kayo? Nako wag nyo na akong tanungin kung kamusta ako dahil sasabihin ko lang na, ammm... kakatapos ko lang mag-exam (as usual, what's new diba??). Anyways, sa palagay ko ay dapat na akong sumulat sa inyo dahil.... HELLO!!!! Haha! Parang hindi na tayo nagkukumustahan!!!! Hehehe... Alam nyo, miss ko na kayo. As in.

Mich: YEY! Alam nyo ba may internet saka webcam na si Mich sa dorm nya! Haha. Kaya kung gusto nyong dumalaw sa dorm nya, mag-ym nalang kayo! Michy... nawala yung pusa ko! (See friendster for pics) Pero may nagsoli sa kanya 1 week after! Hehe. Namigay kasi kami ng fliers/flyers dito! (Speaking of fliers/flyers... Alala mo si Flyer boi? Ahihihi!)

Ate Colleen: Hay naku. Si ate colleen, magdadalawang taon na sa southville pero hindi ko pa rin sya nakikita! Nako, e nasa tapat lang ng village namin! Haha. Miss ko na tong si Ate Colleen. Ngapala, kamusta na si Paul Jason? Hay. What's the hottest update sa showbiz ngayon??? Hay naku. Miss ko na yung mala- "The Buzz" nyong pang-iintriga sa akin! Ahehe.

Kaloy: Aba! Sino itech pasaway na tech ang iskolarloo ng Elbi! Aber, gumigimik na complete with the inuman sheshens!! Nakech ha. At magse-celebrate na neng bertdi ang pasawey na tech! Libre daw movies sa town! Haha. Sana makapunta kayo! September 30 daw, kaso that's medyo kinda my D-day. Haha! I have examsss!( Chenestry Loveoratory, Farmashootickal Chenestry Love din, at isa pang Chenestry Lintekture! Heheh!) Share ko lang, kanina asar ako sa exam namin! Lalo na sa part ng solubuisity. Arr!!! Pero nakech, AB nga pala itech si Kaloysious! Ayaw nya ng mga Chenes Chenestry ayon na rin sa kanyek ekan. Oki? Kamakailan lang ay nagtext sya na moved na daw sa sembreak ang vonggacious na celebration ng kanyang kapanganakan. So expected na lahat tayo magkikitakits doon! Oki? Walang mawawala! wee.. Excited na ko! Miss ko na rin magtown with you guys! Haha.

Mark D: Xempreloo, Si mark D. ang lalan na ever kong nakikita kahit papano! Aba, e once every three weeks lang kami magkasalubong at nako! the chikkahan! it's like hindi na kami uuwi! HAha. Nakakamiss din na kasa-kasama tong si Mark sa lahat ng gawain ko! Nawa'y magkasalubong kami nang mas madalas!

Aleli (My sister in the Psychic world): Ai naku, Lellai!!! Nako. Minsan na lang kita ma ym! Nung isang beses, sabi mo kayo na. Nung sumunod sabi mo, hindi na kayo! Grabe, hindi ko pa nga nakukuha yung details. HAy, dati-rati sayo ako nagsheshare ng mga cherva ko. Ngayon... Lellai!... Huhu... Miss na kita. Saka yung mga philosophy of religion and God natin! Miss ko na! Nakakatakot makipagdebate sa mga kaklase ko eh! Haha!

Krissy: Insan! Musta na? Antagal na nating hindi nagkikta rin! Miss ko na yung pagma-miyao natin. Gusto mo nga pala makita pusa ko? Nasa friendster! Hehe. Buti nakabalik na sya samin. Nako, papakilala kita sa kanya pag may chance! Hehe. Bait bait ni Merry! Cute and Cuddly! Mahilig magkiskis ng mukha nya sa paa namin! Hehehe. Blue eyes din sya! (Ahemf.. ring a bell? Joke!) Update naman sa luvlife mo jan! HAha!

Kimmy: Kimmywimmy! La nang nag-aayos ng buhok ko! Nagparelax naman ako kaya hindi rin pwede itali... Aw... Haha! Nako! Miss ko na si Kim! Kimkimkimkimkim!!!!! Bihira ka mag-appear ah! Nako, natutulog ka bang mabuti? Umiinom ka pa ba ng cherifer??? Baka hindi ka pumasa sa height requirement ng mga nurse! Hehee!!

Marang(aka Marina): Si marang, lav ko yan! Lagi ngalang nawawala. Nako, babae ka, magpakita ka naman! Senxa na hindi ako nakapunta sa birthday mo ha... Biglaan kasi eh. Nako! Basta sana magkitakita tayo ulit! Miss na kita marangers! Haha. Diba friends forever yung nakasulat dun sa figurine na regalo mo sakin nung third year??? Weheheh. Ingatz ka palagi, at wag pasaway!

Nekatz (The Goddess): Aba, Kamusta na ang my fair lady sa london bridge??? Hehe! Miss ko na rin to! Wala nang nagpapadala masyado ng daily quotes sa akin! Si Cassandra G. Nalang! Kamusta naman jan? Ngapala iba na yung number ko kaya if ever magtetext ka, iba na yung number ko eh! Hehe...

Keisha: Kei! Miaow! Miss you na! Haha. Punta ko jan sa bahay mo! Gawa ulit tayo slides! HAhaha... Nakow, may tsismax ako sayo! ahay nako. As in NAKO! pero um... basta! Kwento ko nalang sayo minsan! Pag nasa mood tayo magtsismisan. Ngapala, wag kayong maniwala sa mga tsismis ng prof nyo sa dasma! Ahaha. Mukha ngang babagsak ako sa mga exam ngayon eh. Saka yung sinasabi nyang anak nya, hindi nga kami nagkakausap nun eh. Ever. Owel. Miaow! Pakita ko rin sayo si Merry minsan! Miaow!

Jichael: Jike! Grabe. I haven't heard from you for a very long time. Kamusta na? aww... YOu know, I miss the first year days. Seatmates tayo remember?? Hehe. Kamusta na buhay Lasalle? Hay. I still like your course. Mukhang masaya. Sana magkasabay ulit tayo sa bus minsan.

Kuya Pards: Ahay! Grabe, miss ko na si Kuya Pards. With all his insights and advice and everything! Kamusta na? How's the lavlyf huh? Ochies lang ba? Kuya pards, alam mo na ba yung bago kong cel number? Tanong mo nalang kay mamich o kaya kay kaloy or kay sandra! Haha. Di ko pa nakukuha ulit yung number mo! Hehe...

Cassandra G.: Wuhui! Grabe la akong masabi sa babaeng to. Walang sablay sa Goodmorning/Goodnight Godbless nya everyday! Hehehehehehe. Salamat din sa steady supply of quotes. Kamusta nga pala yung luvlife? Ok lang ba? Nako, naaalala ko pa yung animalang kinukwento mo dati! Nako, pag may bagong animala kwento mo sakin! Lagot yan satin! Basta ikaw, Go gurl! Hehe. MAsyado kang byutilicious para sa mga pasawey na yan!

Jared & Monique( Miyembro Honoraris): Hellow? Asan na kayo? Si Jared nakita ko sa debut ni Val! Dumoble pa yata yung height nya! Si monique naman nung debut pa ni Kris!

Ryan Cancio & Miko Copo (the Carebears): Wee... Miss ko na tong mga to. Asan na kaya sila? Magdadalawang taon na nakalipas!

Jane: Musta na ang makulit na batang ito? San na ba to napadpad ha ate colleen? bihira na rin ang appearance nito sa friendster! Dati puro posts sya sa bulletin board! Haha. NAgsawa na ata. Miss you na!
***
Hay. May nakalimutan ba ko? Nako sana wala! Eh eto yung mga nakikita ko madalas sa Gazeebo de Lala dati!

Nako. Haha. Sana magparamdam kayo! Awoo...

Ongapala, may musical kami! Haha. Saya saya. Dami kong pinagkakaabalahan! Nalolosyang nako.

Basta. Sana rin dumami na ulit magpost dito sa blog. At kahit yung mga walang blog, pwedeng dumalaw! Sya sige! Ingatz kayong lahat!

Shab-u! (Dahil taga-pharm ako parang naiilang ako dun sa Shabu eh. Hehe, senxa)

Lovelots with Mwahmwah,
Chai Ching.

Alone

2006-09-20T09:38:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since I wrote anything in my blogs (Lord knows I have a lot...hahaha!!! =p) but nevertheless I still take time out to write doen my thoughts and just get them off my chest. Anyway, for the past couple of weeks I've been thinking alot of how much time I find myself to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I have social skills, I'm friendly, outgoing, I have a sense of humor, I got out with friends, I have anawesome group of friends that are both from high school and college so Ican say that I'm not a loser...It's more of the feeling that you can be surrounded by a sea of people and friends but you still feel alone.
I have long learned the lesson that in life you only have yourself. No matter what it has to be you that you count on first to achieve whatever it is you want to reach in life. Sure, you have your family and friends to help you and give you love adn support but sometiems the challenges that youwill face must be faced alone. Family and friends can only do so much but in the end it is you who has to make the choice. I find more and more people who are so scared to stand on their own to feet that they still cling on to others. Personally, I hate the fact they're people who still act like this but that's just my opinion, nevertheless it is so hard to live life with people like this by your side.
Learn to stand alone. Iknow this is easier said than done but believe me you'd be a better person for it. Independence is something we strive for. We have the tools to do this all we need is the determination to do so. Please do not misunderstand what I'm trying to say...I didn't ask you to leave everything behind and be a hermit in the mountains...all I'm saying is that don't depend things, events, circumstances etc on other people. Learn to stand on your own to feet and never be afraid to be alone. In the stillness of the night is where you can hear your own thoughts.

Strike two..

2006-09-18T23:57:00.000+08:00

i'm so stupid..
i know this time everybody would agree..

why?

well..
im in love..
with the wrong person again..
in the wrong place..
at the wrong time..
with the wrong reasons..

love is at it again..
just like before..
and i know i would also end up the same..

strike two..

©

August 18 experience

2006-08-19T09:21:00.000+08:00

Change...

Everything and everyone goes through it...

We don't notice it sometimes...

While some try so desperately to make it happen.

Others let things run there course...

Or some conspire to make things happen.

Some of us try to embrace it...

While others just turn a deaf's ear.

Change is the only permanent thing in this world some might say...

Some might say that it's a part of life...

But nevertheless it's not the act of changing that matters...

It's how we react and take it to heart.

Just recently I was given the oppertunity to get in touch with a part of me that I lost. You see I've been in dark place in my life for so long that I actually thought it was who I am. I thought that having all this bitterness and anger was the only thing I could hold on too. Thinking to myself that this is what life had in store for me. I had lost myself in the darkness but yesterday made realize that it wasn't the case. It was more of me just wanting to stay where I was simply because it was all I knew, but now I know I can get out of it.

It was my recollection yesterday and like any other recollection I pretty much expected the same old things. True enough it was kinda the same to the other recollections I've gone to but the difference was the people I got to spend it with. These were people who I only knew in my first term here in CSB. People who I just to chatting with because they were my seatmates or because we had common friends. I guess God just wanted me to get together with these people to make me realize the truth about myself. That I am a good person.

It was proven to me yet again that everything does happen for a reason. I was given a cahnce to get to know these people more and we got share about our experiences, belifs, values etc amd what I loved the most was the final activity wherein we got to talk about our negative traits and give positives ones. what moved me the most were the things that they were saying about me. It really moved me so much because in the short amount of time we've spent together I made a very big impact on their lives. What they don't know is that all the things that they said really got me in touch with myself and me realize that my life now isn't what it was back then. I've really grew up and somehow lost the things that were really who I am as a person.

To my groupmates namely: Iko, Lxa, Kel and Ramir I just want to thank you guys for making me see me for the first time in a long time. I don't know how I can ever repay you; just know that after being with you guys I can really consider you as my friends and know that no matter what I will always be here for you. You can count on me for anything and I will be there for you. Thank you guys so much!!! I love you all!!! *mwah*

sigh

2006-08-05T18:29:00.000+08:00

responsibility...

it SUCKS!!!

it never seems to go away when you get older...

nor does it get any easier.

i hate the fact that i have so much responsibility and the fact that i choose to also take them...it's just the kind of guy i am i guess. nevertheless, it sucks to just have it. the fact that alot is expected of you or the fact that i have to mature or the fact that i can't afford to act like a teenager when in fact i still am. it's just hard to do or be so much for so many people that sometimes i can't help but feel that im forgetting myself sometimes and i mean this for everything. school, family, friends, love life, social life and a like that sometimes i just find myself just crying myself to sleep or im indifferent to other people or just that i want to drop everything and runaway...but sadly i can't. i have so much going for me and things going on in my life that i can't really afford to do it. all i can really do is just suck it in and live life.

i know that you might be sick of me saying this and i know you might say why don't i just do it or find an alternative solution or just get over it coz im not the only person who's going through it...you maybe right but all im really trying to do is just get everything off my chest. this is the only medium i have for now to bring my inner most feelings out.

*deep sigh*

that's just how life is i guess...

i better just deal with it....

Cognizant.. So cognizant..

2006-07-25T12:47:00.000+08:00

my dear readers, it may seem to you that i am a very nice person.. very friendly, humorous, trustworthy, responsible, dependable.. but now i am cognizant of my other side.. my pitch black side.. well, it is about time..

i just realized what a demon i am inside the white shroud that envelopes me every waking day of my f*cking life..

maybe i am just too dumb.. and too numb to be guile about what i am doing to the poeple i really care about..

i am like a reckless and ruthless driver.. i drive into people's lives, put the pedal to the metal, hit them with all the gas that i have, and just drive away, leaving them to bite the dust (literally)..

i always thought that i was doing right.. i always thought that i am a likable person because i have a lot of friends.. i always thought i am a nice person.. i never knew that the rest of the world always thought otherwise..

please find me someone who doesn't think i came from the underworld.. for me.. please do that.. and if you do, please pray to your god, thank him and praise him for he created such a splendid miracle..

©

me and bu...este, me and you

2006-07-25T02:30:00.000+08:00

the longing for someone new
dawned on me when you found someone too
it made me wonder, it made me think
i actually lost you when i blinked

i was lost for days and months
but you weren't affected all too much
i even questioned what was wrong with me
and what you saw in her that you didn't see in me

i wanted you back, oh yes, i missed you so
this was the first time in my life i ever felt so low
it was just so hard to forget, i'm not like you
coz i believed what we had was wonderful and true

i was badly hurt as you can see
it was difficult to accept that you left me
now all the plans we made are meaningless
so that's why i was in such a mess

so my friends came to me coz i couldn't do this alone
they said maybe all i need was time and an ice cream cone
that didn't do much, i still felt blue
but my friends took care of me like i had the flu

they listened to me with every bitterness i wept
and watched me cry all the hurt till i slept
they even gave advice to help me clear my mind
even if being with me took up most of their time

my friend kept saying let go, it's time to move on
it's such a waste crying coz you've been long gone
so i thought about it and said i'll give it a try
i'll just save my tears for some other lie

so i decided to let you go and set us free
coz the only way to move on was to let you be
i lived my life one day at a time
until everything had become fine

one day, surprisingly, you just came back
saying things like how there was something you lacked
and we talked as friends even if it was hard for me
but there was nothing wrong with it so i let it be

everything was going fine until one day
you just had to ruin it with your ways
coz you said you wanted me back in your life
but i couldn't let you in, not without a fight

so i didn't say yes but i didn't say no
i was confused and i didn't really know
see the thing is i didn't need you right now
but i didn't want to lose you again somehow

then i realized i never really stopped loving you
i guess i just learned to live my life without you by my side
this is something i know is definitely true
i've just been trying to convince myself my love for you has died

so up to now, i still don't know what to do
you can't help me, you're confused too
but the decision about us will have to wait
since now we are definitely miles away

we still talk every once in a while
but it's hard for me to know if you're telling a lie
coz for a guy, you definitely got alot to say
but i'm trying my best to believe you anyway

alot definitely has changed, this is true
but you keep saying nothing compares to me and you
so like what i always say, let's just wait and see
whatever the future holds for you and me

you told me once you'd wait and i hope you still would
hope you wouldn't just change your mind like your mood
coz who knows one day we'll actually see
and find out if we were really meant to be

by anirtakanna at starbucks, july22, saturday, 3:30pm.

take me home

2006-07-22T04:53:00.000+08:00

wondering the streets alone
no one's calling my phone
isn't anyone looking for me
thinking where could i be

but then again who would bother
to waste their time just to find me
and now as time passes by, i feel lonelier
coz i'm just a stranger to those who see

i keep imagining where you are, what you're doing
and wonderin' if you're thinking about me too
i'm missing you so much already
that now i also dream of me and you

it hurts me so that we're miles apart
i can't see your face or atleast hold your hand
but now, i'm all alone, left in the dark
and no one else could help me, only you can

i'm slowly losing control of my life
maybe i just need you to be part of it
coz i've tried my best to do it on my own
but then i realized i need you more and more

then there you were, right in front of me
looking so worried, i couldn't help but just stare
is this some kind of illusion or crazy dream
that you are actually back with me

you hugged me tight like you won't let me go
while telling me things i've been wanting to hear
you held my hand and begged me to try
but i didn't budge, all i did was cry

so now please would you take me home
coz i always wanna be by your side
with you is where i belong
take me home back to you

coz you know i still love you
you know i'll always care
i want you back in my life
so can i ask you to stay
and never ever leave me alone again

I'm not missing you!!! =p

2006-07-18T10:19:00.000+08:00

To be honest...alot has happened in the past couple of days that made me look at life diffrently. I realized that there is so much beauty in this world and no matter what you're going through you'll get through it. I had finally let go of someone who MEANT alot to me and when it happened I had a unexpected reaction...I was happy.I've finally felt that a load was finally off my chest and it feels great. I'm happy...trully happy about everything in my life even though there are still hang-up's...I'm still very happy.

I found out about this song when I was listening to the radio and it really just struck a chord with me...since then it has been a theme song for me and it's dedicated to HER. Every lyric really expresses how I feel about our everything that happened to US and now I want you to know that I'm not missing you.

I'm Not Missing You
By: Stacie Orrico

Oh, Oh
I’m not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don’t know what I was missing or why I ain’t listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it’s over
What else could it be _____
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

CHORUS
(But) I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it’s different
I don’t even feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you

It’s a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

Chorus x 2

No I can’t be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can’t keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when it’s right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

(But) I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone (I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me (knockin' at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because (it's the best day of my life)
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you
I'm not missing you (oh baby)
I'm not missing you
I'm so over you
It ain't even a problem

No write, no love?

2006-07-13T22:14:00.000+08:00

if you read my blog often, you will realize something that's common to most of my entries.. what is it? it's a four letter word.. it starts with the letter L and ends with the letter E.. we're all bitter about it.. come on.. you know it! at some point, we become stupid because of it.. what was that? i can't hear you! say it out loud! we all try to define it as something that is blind.. and we just don't miss a day without ever having a thought that's related to it.. uh, come on.. please! stop this nonesense! it's love..

and if you really are a fan of the web page you are currently reading, you will notice that there are big intervals between the times that i wrote my most recent blog entries (including this one)..

does it seem that i have nothing to write about anymore?

does it seem that my brain is on a permanent blackout?

does it seem that i no longer have compulsive fingers to convey my emotions to?

does it seem that i am deprived of the financial support in order for me to connect to the rest of the world?

OR..

does it seem that my heart is currently dead and is incapable of producing love hormones that squeeze the words right out of my system?

well.. maybe my love life isn't in a state of red alert this season.. it's as gloomy and fickle-minded as the everyday weather here in laguna with my best friend Maria Makiling..

not that i don't have anybody to love.. i actually have a number of people written here on my palm.. and some of them already made it to my list a few decades ago.. hey, i didn't tattoo it! maybe it tattoed itself on my heart..

maybe it's just that my love life isn't out right now partying with its friends.. it got exhausted of being active, you know.. but i think it left me a message some three or four months ago.. wait, i think i have it in my pocket right now.. oh, here it is! oh.. that's why.. it's on leave.. ;-)

P.S. i apologize to my dear readers who always find nothing to read whenever they check my blog.. don't worry.. my heart is already under renovation.. sorry for the inconvenience.. soon to rise: love..

What IS so hard with saying goodbye?!

2006-07-10T19:43:00.000+08:00

What IS so hard with saying goodbye?

Can anyone actually answer that for me?! Coz to be honest I don't have a freakn' clue. I mean we say it all the time...when we leave the house, when we leave our friends...it's not that hard to say it yet when it comes to relationships it's the hardest or one of the hardest words to say. I mean for the love of everything that's holy it's just a word. What makes it diffrent from saying it to our friends and parents huh?!

If you're wondering why I'm ranting it's simple...it's because until now I've not really gotten away from the web of the black widow. No matter what I do or how much I try I can't seem to get away from everything. Just when I think I'm finally getting away...I'm always pulled back in and it sucks!!!

Why does she keep me around?! I'm not her freakn' boyfriend yet she acts as if I am. I feel like I'm just being used...being kept around to fill a void in her life. All I want is to know where we stand and get everything out in the open but I know that if confront her she'll over-react. Though she may not admit it, she still acts like a child and makes very immature decisions. She won't understand how I feel and all I can do is sit back and pretend that everythings fine.

LOVE SUCKS AND LOVE'S OVERATED!!!

night-dreaming (technically)

2006-07-07T01:39:00.000+08:00

july1, '06 1:06pm

night dreaming.

well technically it was night time. and i was dreaming but not yet asleep. so i guess you just call that something like imagining or thinking. although dreaming sounds so much nicer. and that's the reason why i had the hardest time sleeping. i just kept tossing and turning while dreaming of something i have always wanted to happen. but i wouldn't get much into details.

i hear champagne glasses clicking. i hear people talking to each other. i also hear a song, my favorite song, on the piano. and then, a flash of light, a spotlight, somewhat blinding. people clapping and then silence. then there i am. i see myself, so dressed up in a white dress filled with blue designs and my hair in curls, walking down a flight of stairs with a long red carpet and am really afraid that i might lose my grip and trip, then, fall down the flight of stairs. i feel really nervous but i am still smiling as i look on down to see who would be awaiting me at the end of the stairs, i see faces. i see very familiar faces offering their hands to me, one is holding a bouquet of roses and the other a bouquet of lilies, and i had to choose which one to actually hold on to. then i see all other people looking on as i still walk on the red carpet to where i shall sit myself. i look around to see familiar faces smiling back at me, wishing me all the best. then i recognize the faces of all my friends, looking so beautiful and dashing in their evening gowns and coat and ties. then let's fast forward to the part i have the last dance of the night. all i had to do was choose between the first two very familiar faces that were offering their hands to me earlier. everything depended on who i would choose. why? i just don't know. so here i was. i started walking towards them. and then...

*poof*

welcome back to reality.

why i decided to end a wonderful faiytale? no idea. if you know why, please tell me.

so well, we've just settled to our new home away from home. it's nice. it's not actually a house. but it's nice and spacious. it's got this nice view of River Thames and i do have a small balcony in my room. just lovely. i a nice bathroom. big enough for me. it's still summer here and it's actually getting warm. love it.

[currently thinking: blag blag blag kaboom disappear!]
[july1, 8:06pm - Phil. time]

dunno what to do...

2006-07-06T20:09:00.000+08:00

for the past couple of days...people have been telling me that i look like i have a problem and that i should just let it out. i just smile and say that it's not true but to be honest there is something bothering me. in true pardz fashion i just deny it and pretend that everything's ok.

the truth is, it's better to just live in denial rather than face the truth. i've heard it all before and i was disappointed the last time. i just don't want to get my hopes up...but it looks like i already have and if it doesn't work out again i don't know what i'm gonna do. i was already given a sign that things may work out this time around but then if it does i have another problem. i have to make a choice...a choice whether to stick around or get a fresh new start. if you know me very well or if you've been reading some of my previous entries you'd know that i've been wanting a fresh start ever since i could remember and now that i may actually get it i don't know if i'm strong enough to take it. maybe this is what i need or maybe i'd finally find what i've been looking for. i can't think about it in "what if's" and "maybe's" thruth is i've got to make a choice whether i'd like the outcome or not.

2006-07-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

For some reason this song keeps on playing in my head...

Some Hearts
(Words and music by Diane Warren)

Sung by: Carrie Underwood

I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something
Look at me
Am I really alone with you
I wake up feeling like my life's worth living
Can't recall when I last felt that way
Guess it must be all this love you're giving
Never knew never knew it could be like this
But I guess

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,they just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

Now who'd have thought someone like you could love me
You're the last thing my heart expected
Who'd have thought I'd ever find somebody
Someone who someone who makes me feel like this
Well I guess

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,they just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

Even hearts like mine
Get lucky, lucky sometimes

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side, yes
Some hearts
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

damn! this is so cheezy...i can't believe that this gets stuck in my head.

Life is full of little surprises...

2006-06-28T12:21:00.000+08:00

That was the realization that I came across for the past couple of weeks. Just when I thought that life sucked it gave me reason to be happy. True enough it gave me a lesson that no matter what happens in this world...what goes around comes around. Everything comes full circle and eventually it bites you in the ass. It's actually a great irony that I've come te realize.

But then again just as I was given a reason to be happy...others were given a hard lesson in life and as much as I want to help...I'm too happy seeing people, who were once on top of the world, beg and crawl right in front of me. I know that like what i said, this will eventually bite me in the ass coz evrything does come full circle but then again I'm still having fun seeing these people in pain. I know that I might come off as a bad guy and I must assure you that I'm not it's just that these people toyed with me and my feelings before so basically its my turn to toy with them.

Revenge is a dish best served cold as they say and that is true. I don't get mad with people...I get even and once I do I make sure that they're distroyed. People have told me that it wouldn't take away the pain or that it wouldn't be as rewarding once I do it but honestly for me...it makes up for everything. I'm good friend but a very bad enemy.

Anywhere but here...

2006-06-11T19:16:00.000+08:00

Did you ever get the feeling that you just want to be anywhere else rather than the place that you are now?

I have that...I just wanna be in a place where i can start over. I wanna be away from everything that's going on in my life right now and just relax. But life is not like that. We can only dream of it or even wish for it but it never comes true.

They say that life is what we make of it. If we don't like what happens in our lives we have only ourselves to blame. It's because of the choices we've made that lead us to where we are in our lives.

Life sucks in my opinion and even though I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason I don't see the reason why my life sucks right now. Just when I thought that my life was complicated enough as it is..."someone" had to jump in and make things even more complicated. It's crazy enough as it is..."someone" had to get into the mix and I hate it.

I actually closed that chapter of my life and I had closure with everything and yet I was still thrown a curveball that totally turned my world upside down. Now, I'm enemies with a person (which is something that i don't like) and I'm afraid that this might affect the friendships that I have with our common friends. Some of you might say that I shud just make up with the person and get it over with but it's more complicated that that. To appologise would mean 1.)that the fault lies with me (which is not the case) 2.)this is the second time she has done this to me and I'm not standing for it 3.)I'm trying to teach her a lesson and 4.)I'm simply trying to make her see the thruth. She made me look like an idiot simply for confronting her with what has been bothering me and what other people have been noticing when we're together. Now, tell me am I wrong?

She always seems to think that everything has to be about her...that she's the only one with problems yet when other people share their problems she's so quick to dismiss it. I mean for goodness sake the universe doesn't revolve around you so get over yourself. She tries to act like she's so mature but what she doesn't get is the fact that she isn't. She acts like a child and makes decisions like one and when it blows up in her face she comes crawling to me and then I have to make her see the truth. She doesn't even notice that fact that she is already hurt and disrespected some people and like me we've descided to wash our hands clean of her. She hasn't learned anything and it's frustrating to help someone who doesn't learn from their mistakes. It's over. I give up. It's about time that she learn it on her own.

Life never runs out of lessons to teach us...

Some learn it quickly...

Others take their time...

Some learn it the easy way...

Others learn it hard...

But in the end we still need to learn the lesson...

To not make the same mistake at all.

Faith is enough proof!

2006-05-30T13:08:00.000+08:00

i am deeply disappointed at people who call themselves "faithful" to God and yet send tons of e-mails and text messages that "test" your belief and faith in God, saying that if you send the message to N people to the Nth power it will mean that you truly love God and that you are faithful in Him, and if you do not bad luck will devour your soul for the next few days..

bull.. all i can say is bull..

don't they know that their own faith, which they keep and nurture deep within their hearts, is enough proof? believe me, i have never sent any message of any kind to anyone regarding that kind of bullsh*t.. why? because i know that deep within me i have faith in Him, enough faith that could surpass all fears, anxieties, troubles, and hardships.. and i do not need to prove to anyone that this faith is genuine.. i do not need to prove anything to anybody.. only to God.. and i know i have proven my faith in Him ever since i knew Him.. that's why i do not waste my time, money, efforts, and my faith just to send those sh*t to people.. and that's why i remain faithful..

forgive me for the language.. i am just so infuriated.. i hate those people who make those kind of messages.. and i am very disappointed at people who send and disperse those messages to other people..

and now, as i close this another entry of mine (yahoo! it did not take long for me to create another entry! ;-), i would like to warn the people who will read this.. do not send me those kind of messages ever.. don't waste your time in rubbish things.. be productive.. or better yet, send me quotes of love and sorrow.. i will appreciate it more.. ;-)

have ya?

2006-05-24T18:52:00.000+08:00

Have you ever noticed... that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can never have them?

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest to say.

Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?

Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever?

Or fell for your best friend in the entire world, and then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else?

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had.

No one waits forever.

netopia and floorwax, anyone?

2006-05-23T11:01:00.000+08:00

i just simply hate the smell of floorwax especially in the morning.

so im here in this amazing place where i have the chance to kill time while my relatives are watching some child-fantasy-trying-to-outnumber-madagascar-in-ticket-sales flick.

im lovin netopia.
since the people around banned me and the others from using friendster for it might cause another virus/crash by yours truly, i have all the time in the world to check out my friendster.

59 minutes remaining.

so lately, lots of things just happend.

jay won project runway [ha! in your face wendy pepper!]
naima won america's next top model cycle 4
chuck and i-forgot-her-name won beauty and the geek
that geek that looks like tom cruise is still h.o.t
da vinci code is now showing

--apparently none much has happend to the one who is writing this blog.
i am in love.
he sure knows how to swoon me with is voice. and i mean it when i say that no one would ever replace him. this is not a kind of fling that would last in a month..or a year...or even decades.

cheezy enough to say this but: i love him.till the end of time.
now if you'll excuse me, i have to go to the nearest cr and barf.
wanna know who he is?¹

setting aside the floppy words that i just gave, i have news. [stares at the computer screen]

nah, ive got nothing.
it's been a long time since ive updated my blog [because of another law that states that thou shall not use blog sites and friendster. something like that. i just seriously made that up.]

50 minutes remaining
[and just wasted 2 mins of my time to figure out how many minutes are left for me]

recently, i had these feelings that i cant make it through my course in college. maybe it's because of fear, maybe it's because i just dont feel like it. but there's this part of me that says that i could be the best of what i am doing. i just dont have the confidence.

and part of me says to shut my future tunnel for a while and enjoy the rest of the summer. for the meanwhile, i will sing to you my theme song for the summer.

my hallux
my patellar
my acromion
my cranium [repeat 2x]

im starting to like anatomy. no wait, i take that back. i just noticed that since ive started studying anatomy, my grammar and spelling went down the drain. is this the effect of becoming a licenced nurse in the future??? next topic,pleace.[and yes, i intended to type that for comedic effect. crap my grammar is flunking.]

since i have tried so hard to change my life since some people would just happily ditch a lil ol me, let's take this blog entries a little more serious.

i just simply hate the smell of floorwax especially in the morning.

^*putting up this footnote is quite useless though you might know the likes of him.i would still not mention his beloved name just for a fact that i love to torture my readers. pax.

I'm back! ;-)

2006-05-19T18:39:00.000+08:00

hey bloggers! i'm back! with a vengeance...

wow, it's so good to be online again! hurrah! i'm in the 21st century again! for two months i was a block of ice in my igloo... a big, fat (in terms of cholesterol, lipids, adipose tissues, and the like) block of ice that did nothing but eat, play, and sleep 24/7... but of course, i also cleansed myself with twigs, leaves, and water from a stream nearby my place... whew! talking about my own ice age for the past two months...

but now i am gradually thawing to the modern times... i'm feeling again the grandeur that is the internet! good thing Yahoo! Mail, Blogger, and Friendster did not ban me from using their services...

yehey! my writing ability is online again! it's been a lifetime since i wrote something with my carpals... hey, that's a scientific term! my course-mates would be so proud of me... hehehe... hey, am i using "..."? and where is my ";-)"? i think i should get back to my signature ".." and ";-)" because it's been that way ever since... well, ok.. ;-)

enough of this comeback sensation.. now i'm going back to business.. ;-)

for the past few days i have learned tons of things that i never thought i would learn at this youthful age.. things about myself and the people around me.. and i appreciate all of them, whether they stink or they sparkle, because all of those lessons gave my soul a little push forward into reality.. they made me open my eyes to things that i never thought i would encounter.. and, i must admit, i grew..

i have discovered that i am very much open-minded to a lot of things, both superficial and unimaginable.. and whenever situation calls it, i just open my mind, consider, and accept the things that are fed to my stream of consciousness (i miss using that term!).. i do not reject opinions.. i absorb them and learn from them.. but i am so open-minded that i sometimes tend to be close-minded too.. my mind is so open to my "variation theory" (mich, add that to our list.. miss ya! ;-) that it tends to focus only to the fact that "all things are always varied and never one-sided" and nothing else.. i am like addicted to looking at all sides equally.. (i just could not elaborate much what i want to say here about my open-mindedness because it's just too amazingly complicated to write.. i just feel and do it.. how i wish i could tell my readers all about this.. tsk tsk tsk.. there are really some things that just can't be written..)

i also discovered a lot about the sad episodes and sick deeds of my loved ones and how they hide their black blood behind thin velvet sheets.. and because of those, i learned how to handle the everyday slaps of reality in my face.. now i know how to take these situations everyday in my head without breaking down in the middle of the road.. and now i can say that i am prepared for the things that i am most afraid of to happen in my life..

i learned how to respect people for what they are.. now i have lessened my prejudice and discrimination.. like what i have typed above, my mind opened a little bit more than the usual.. i like the way i look at things.. i think its very unique.. even i could not type to explain it clearly.. i am so vague.. i am so complex that i could not decipher my own complexities easily.. i myself am shocked at the truths about my life.. i do not know why i am like an unmanageable puzzle.. all i know is i love it and i thank God for making me like this..

only a few people, like my friends, especially Jichael, Pardz, Mich, Raica, and my besh Colleen, had a glimpse of this complexity of mine.. and thankfully, they understand me and accept me for who i am.. they are part of my inspiration to be open-minded and true to myself.. thanks guys.. luv ya! ;-)

i am pretty much drained now from that disclosure.. i hope that i have a next time for this.. God knows i love blogging.. its my connection to my realm and to others' worlds! my eyes are so popping out right now because of the poor lighting (the bulb is red.. imagine! it's night already and the bulb is red! arrgh.. gotta get out of this hell a.s.a.p.) here in the cafe.. my little limbs here that i personally call "fingers" are so tired now because of the rock-hard keyboard.. good thing i like what i am doing.. if not, this black keyboard must have been white by now.. gosh, i miss blogging so much, but my eyes and fingers are in such pain that only people who survived getting bit sharks could explain how much they hurt right now.. i have to go now.. awww! i hope it won't take long 'til my next blog entry..

*sigh* as i bid farewell to the monitor and the internet, let me take this opportunity to thank all my readers and all my supporters.. to my barkada who relentlessly waited for another entry of mine (i miss ya'll! shabu!) and to my other friends who eagerly stared at the edge of their screens and waited for a "karlo is now online" message to pop-up.. thanks for Yahoo!, Blogger, and Friendster for their patience.. thanks to my parents who made this thawing process possible thru their financial support.. thanks to God.. trust me, he already knows who, what, when, where, how, and why.. ;-)

©

to my best friend...proud2bmorena

2006-05-11T16:25:00.000+08:00

Time and time again I've been reminded of how love can be both beautiful and painful...well that's a fact of life. When we love someone we must be ready to accept both the good and bad; happy or sad...this is the simple fact that my best friend embodies time after time. I am happy for her and her special someone who have gone through the trials of having a relationship. They keep showing me that it is never easy like life we have to stick it through everything and when we get through it we get more than what we ask for. I praise the both of them for sticking together through everything. It just proves to me that when you find the right person you wouldn't let go without a fight. They're relationship is what other people aspire to have but fail to reach. So, to the both of you I wish you nothing but the best and I know that the two of you were made for each other.

To end this entry...I would like to quote a very popular t.v. series "One Tree Hill"

"At this moment, there are six billion, four hundred seventy million, eight hundred eighteen thousand, six hundred seventy one people in the world.

Some… are running scared.

Some… are coming home.

Some tell lies to make it through the day.

Others are just not facing the truth.

Some are evil men, at war with good.

And some are good, struggling with evil.

Six billion people in the world...

... Six billion souls.

And sometimes…

… All you need is one."

-Peyton (episode 1 season 3)

the eternal sunshine of MY spotless mind

2006-04-25T16:15:00.000+08:00

If the title of this entry seems familiar to some of you it is because it was inspired by the move of the same title starring Jim Carrey & Kate Winslet. Now, if your not familiar with the film or even haven't seen it I suggest that you do simply because it has a beautiful story that we all can relate to but if you don't feel like seeing it for yourself I'll give you a a synopsis of the film.

Jim Carrey's character is this simple guy, very conservative, prefers to keep to himself, he isn't outgoing etc. He goes to this beach party with his best friend and his wife where he meets Kate Winslte's character. Her character is the complete opposite of Jim Carrey's character and like the old saying goes opposites attract. At first, Jim is very hesitant to persue anything with kate but he then descides to take the risk of getting to know this person. Eventually they fall in love and live together. At first everything goes smoothly yet like all good things it eventually came to an end. They fight and argue to the point that they dislike each other completely. A year goes by and when Valentine's Day comes around Jim's character descides to do something special for kate's character but when he comes by her work place she acts diffrently. She doesn't know him and it confuses Jim. He thought it was just an act until his best friend tell him that she wasn't acting but rather she gtot a procedure that erases ones memories. Jim then descides to go through the same procedure to be able to go on with his life. As he was going through the procedure he then realized that he didn't want his memories erased. He then tries so hard to hold on to the memories that they have but fail. He then wakes up from the procedure without any memory of Kate and the love they had. But fate had a diffrent plan.

I'll leave my story up to there simply because you just have to watch the movie to find out what happened to them. What i love about the movie are two things:

1. The experiences we had and the mistakes we've made really teach us and make us better people. It is what defines us as human beings and it is what makes us stronger.

2. The fact that if the two of you are meant to be together fate will always bring you back no matter what.

So there, I do hope that you get to watch the film and love it as much as I do.

bulaga.

2006-04-07T12:32:00.000+08:00

at ako'y bumalik. nanaman.

ang bilis ng panahon noh? napansin nyo bang isang taon na ang nakalipas na di tayo nagkikita araw-araw sa gazeebo natin? ang bilis noh? hindi ko nga alam kung pano ko natapos yung unang year ng college life ko na wala kayo sa tabi ko araw-araw eh..

ang drama ko noh?

ang daming nagbago sa akin ngayon. yung kay nyebe nga pala, natunaw na sya. =)
sa sobrang init ng panahon natunaw na sya sa wakas. daming nangyari. yung tipong masasabi mo na...masakit. pero ok lang. leche kasi sila eh.

oops, sensya na. bad trip pa rin ako sa nangyari eh. pero ok lang. gulo ko noh?

onga pala, may tagboard na ulit ako sa wakas! [chai kasi eh!]

di na nga pala ako nagssun. kaya sa mga tao dyan na tinetext pa rin ako sa sun ko, sorry at di ko na tinitingnan yung mga msgs ko dun. sa globe na lang oki?

walang magugulat sa sasabihin ko: guys, nagddiet ako. di biro.

may napansin lang ako dati. nung naguusap kami ni karlo ngayon, para bang...
*cricket cricket*

pero dati naman, kahit na nagkikita na kami sa gazeebo araw-araw tapos busmates pa kami eh pagdating sa telepono...grabe. ang daming napapagusapan. how ironic.

at napansin nyo bang ito ang kauna-unahang tagalog entry ko??? [kaya pasensya na kung puro mali yung grammar ko]

fine, di lahat ng words dito tagalog. sige nga, anong tagalog ng ironic? [chai at kaloy, walang hihirit. mapapahiya lang ako =p]

get ready for the new me. sensya, di na nakayanan ng powers kong mag-english.

miss ko na kayong lahat. yun lang naman. =)

the sad fact of life...

2006-04-06T15:19:00.000+08:00

i fell in love with this poem when i read it.

it really says everything that im feeling right now...

it basically says that life is lonely.
in pain, in defeat, in times of trouble you are on your own - alone.
in times of success, joy and victory many will come and celebrate with you.
that is the sad fact portrayed by the poem.
if you weep you weep alone,
if you laugh the whole world laughs with you.

Solitude
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

LAUGH, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of it's own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

(Post) Balentayms...

2006-02-20T14:02:00.000+08:00

you are this close to my heart...

but i am that far from yours...

©

Araw ng mga Puso

2006-02-14T20:16:00.000+08:00

Una sa lahat, hindi ko kayo muna babatiin.

Pangalawa sa lahat, wala namang kakaibang naganap ngayon.

Taghirap na ba talaga? Crisis?

Sa buong araw na inilagi ko sa labas ng bahay at sa gitna ng maynila, hindi yata lalagpas sa lima ang nakita kong taong may dalang bulaklak or balloons or cake or lollipop man lang na may puso.

Bakit nung gradeschool ako, pag Valentines nagbabaha ng bulaklak sa may gate ng school at ang mga batang walang muwang nama'y bumibili ng mga rosas para sa crush nila, sa mommy o kaya sa teacher.

Ngayon? hmm... Napaisip tuloy ako kung may kalendaryo ba ang mga tao.

Tama na nga. Bumili nalang ako ng chocolate para paghatian namin ng mommy ko.

Bakit ka nga ba maghihintay na bigyan ng chocolates at rosas kung may pera ka namang pambili?

Di naman ako ganon ka-poor!

Kung talagang matipid ka naman, uminom ka nalang ng Milo o kaya Ovaltine o Choquick pa kung gusto mo. Chocolate din yun. Haha.

Kaya sa mga di tumatanggap ng kahit ano sa araw na ito, wag tayong malungkot! Isipin mo nalang kung ilang tao sa mundo ang hindi nakakakain ng tatlong beses sa isang araw, at marerealize mo kung gaano tayo kaswerte!

Actually swerte naman talaga tayong lahat e. Di naman kasi kailangang hanapin lagi yung wala.
Edi kung anong meron ka, maging masaya ka na! Kunwari, maganda ka na, sexy ka pa, mayaman, mabait, matalino, athletic, at talented. Wala ka nga lang boyfriend. OK LANG YUN! Isipin mo nalang artista ka at sabihin mo sa buong mundo:

"As for now, nagfofocus pa ako muna sa career ko at family. I'm happy with myself right now."

O diba?!! Showbiz na Showbiz!

Landicious!

Haha.

Kaya mga friends, huwag na kayong malungkot. Ok?

------------------------------------##################
SPECIAL CORNER:

So ang tanging tanong lang na naisip ko bigla ngayong araw na ito at bumabagabag sa kaluluwa ko:

Bakit ang mga tao sa China singkit?
Bakit yung mga unggoy dun hindi singkit?

May sagot ka ba?

-----------------------------------##################

Hay...

So Valentines nga.

May tanong ako ulit.

Ano kaya ang ratio ng mga taong inlove at may kasama, sa mga taong inlove pero mag-isa, sa mga taong iniwan at lumuluha?

Eto pa:
Tinatanong mo ba sa sarili mo kung ano ang ratio ng dami ng taong inlove/ may gusto sayo, sa dami ng mga taong mahal/ crush mo?

Eto pa:
Sa palagay mo ba, yung taong kasama mo ngayon, sya yung makakasama mo habang buhay?
Or, kung naging kayo ng crush mo ngayon, pakakasal ba kayo?
Or kung anong itsura ng magiging baby nyo?

Eto pa:
Sa palagay mo ba, kapag sinabi ng mahal mo ngayon sayo na, " I will love/ be with you forever" at kinilig kilig ka naman dyan, ay totoo nga yun? at hindi ka na nya iiwan?

Eto pa:
Ilang negative aspects ng mahal/ crush mo ang alam mo? (Kasama na dun ang mga kabalahuraan at kababuyan nya)

Eto pa:
Sa palagay mo ba, yang boyfriend/ girlfriend mo ay masipag? Sa palagay mo ba may future ka sa kanya? O ang alam lang nyang gawin ay magbasketbol, magplaystation / magpaganda, magshopping? O kaya naman, ang alam nyo lang dalawa ay maglambingan?

Eto pa:
Kung narealize mong wala pala sa kanya yung mga ibang tinanong ko, sa palagay mo seseryosohin mo nga syang makasama in the future?

*******************************************************

Eto lang advice ko.
(Kayo na bahala, hindi naman ito through experience)
(Sorry kung inispoil ko ang araw nyo)

Mag mature ka muna, at idevelop ang sarili bago mo ibigay sa iba ang sarili mo.

Dahil baka pati sya madamay sayo.

At masayang lang ang oras nyo sa isa't isa.

Mas masaya naman diba, kapag parehas kayong ok na ok na?

Kaya sa mga bata pa at isip bata pa na umiiyak iyak at naiistress out dahil sa love, normal lang yan. Pero wag mong damdamin palagi!

Mabuhay ang mga sawi!

Anong swerte nalang nung tamang tao para sayo dahil sya ang makakaranas at makakakita kung gaano ka kabuti! Kaganda/ kaguwapo/ Kagaling/ at kahanga hanga.

Malas nalang ng taong nanakit at nang-iwan sayo. Hindi nya lang alam kung ano ang value mo. Hayaan mo syang mamatay sa inggit pagdating ng panahon!

Hindi naman ako bitter dito no?

May nag-aagree ba?

Hui.

Haha.

Saka love naman tayo ni Papa Jesus diba?

I love You Papa Jesus! Happy ang Valentines ko dahil lagi nya akong mahal!

Ingatz kayong lahat. Mahal ko keu. (^_^)

Kuya Pardz Entry #2: Life is indeed not without complications...

2006-02-09T16:41:00.000+08:00

Life is indeed not without complications...

Someone once said to me "Life is not without complications..." and true enough this was proven to me yet again. Just when your life goes on smoothly...BANG!!! Life hits you with a few curveballs and your back to where you started.

My life, for example, got strtuck with a major curveball. Before 2005 ended things were great. My life made sense and things were going smoothly yet now things have taken a hudge turn. I find myself in between a crossroad in my life. To take one would mean my return to a life that I thought was over and to take the other would mean a future that is very uncertain. But as always the future is very uncertain for everyone. We can never know how the choices we make affect our lives until we make them and even then we have to stand by the choices we've made no matter what the outcome. As much as we want to make the right choice or make a change for the better...life doesn't seem to make any better for us. But that is life. It has to have complications. It has to be hard. It has to be all the things we complain about simply because without it we would not be the people that we are now. Life is a never ending lesson. It always teaches us something about ourselves and other people. I believe that what experience in life is what shapes us as individuals and if not for the hardships that we face everyday we wouldn't be who we are now. Faith in ourselves and faith in HIM is what gets us through the day and no matter what the outcome of our choices may be it what shapes us to be the people we are.

Life is indeed not without complications but it is worth it to become the people we are.

camera shy?

2006-02-05T10:43:00.000+08:00

before awarding, i want to greet krissy a happy birthday...

welcome to the legal age bracket

we wish you everything so nice in this world

hehehe. basta something like that.Ü

ang aming awards.

aftermath ng debut.

machismax na naman 'tong marang na 'to!

nangcacandid ako tapos nagpose sila ni anakat!

so landicious! hehehe.

maryel! no comment na lang.

ang funny ng moment!

spot the not!

Q:cno ung nakatalikod na nakapula?

A: mom ni kris

well, balingkinitan pa rin.

haha, ang suck up ko noh...

mama mich, take it eASY!!!

because mark wants to dance ala 70's

keisha just wants to laugh.

here's me and aleli.

i look so dashing [ahem!]

lelai, you look preety!

oi, laki na ulo nyan...

karlo, ba't ka tumingin, hehe observant ka ha.

observant award#1

nawala ung effect ng kunwari di nakatingin, hehehe

candid din naman yan eh.

anakat, feels sleepy na..

kita lahat kaso

parang giraffe si mark.

reaching out his leeg, sorry.Ü

nagcocongo line kami (tama ba ung term ko?)

ang saya, parang monkey in the middle taya si pardz

everyone is so happy! look at ron, karlo and paolo

i can't explain thier jovial state.

ang fake ng pix ko!

phinotoshop ko na nga madilim pa

ang cute nga nito 2 words to explian the pic

talikodgenic and open...

ung mga mouths nila, why?

too much fun?

pardzie, the face! so mouthy?

krissy, ang aming debutant! ha! lusty gown ha!

keisha!!!!! screaming for more?

karlo, you look agog.

oh my God!

ang ganda talaga ng face ni pardz!!!

parang la pa yatang energy ung mob natin...

all smiles pa lang

get ready for the next pix...

the best talaga mga lalans,

we all look like we're on crack

colleen i never knew how amazingly cut you laugh

aleli talaga, are you depressed?

anakat and kuya pardz. no comment.

chai text n lng.

ang fake nung pic, di ko alam pero ang liit nito!

grrrr, ang ganda pa naman ng kuha ko kay mark and aleli

sobrang candid!!!!! mark--- lupang hinirang ata ung song.

cguro ginamit ni mark ung super human powers niya para lumiit ung pic

hehehe.

i love this pic talaga

nakakatuwa kami ni xandra

ang photogenic.

haha. nakakatuwa talaga ang mga mukha

ng mga friends ko.

ron, look at you!

agbayani, you look hungry.

ung dalawa nagpipic, hahaha

i love you guys talaga

Lovers in Dusit Hotel

ang sweet nila tignan kahit na candid

Jane is so demure.

yun lang nasabi ko.

anakat, nakaside view ka pa ah.

the best pic of maryel

ang winner ng ating

"latecomer award"

the deadly sisters

you look like you broke a nail

aww.

paul, pwede ka na manominate for
ala bodyguard trophy

anakat, may paeffect effect pa ung hair mo ah!

"paeffect award"

ang dapat sayo.

wala ng tatalo pa!

chai is so photogenic.

la ako ma-say.

pero ang award ay kay...

lelai!

"the most candid award!"

highlight of the picture: ms. christine aileen ching!

the "hindi ko alam na naclick ko award" goes to...

chai
candid nga 'to, di ko nga alam na naclick ko ung cam ko...

Oh! i wanna dance with somebody!!!

i wanna feel the heat with... KUYA PARDZ?!

dancers talaga tong 2 to

tingin as camera ha!!!

ay ang ganda!

si mark lang ang tumingin... valedictorian material talaga!

dahil dyan you recieve an award for

"observant-ness"

observant award #2

this is a kodak moment!

perfect! kris and sherlock.

"kodak moment"

lusty pic.

parang "guess who award" tong pic na 'to...

mark and chai... anakat, so candid! perfect!

magshare kayong 3 sa award for

"best audution picture"

for PBB, di pinakita ang mukha. golly!

anakat and pardz, forever beshies.Ü

"twilight award" for you 2!

ang aming table. bakit ang dark nung pic nung inupload ko!!!!

ang fake!!!

highlight of the moment: paul... so candid award!!!

ang candid namin ni keisha!!!!

waaargh!!!

"hagupit ng hangin award"

chai wants to go home na ata...

the tres marias huh!

anakat, mich and chai

ito ang texters' choice

Anakat Entry 1: half empty, half full

2006-02-02T17:30:00.000+08:00

jan23, 06 10:27pm

how am i suppose to look at my life?

should i be happy? few people would want to be in my position. being able to study abroad and somehow be able to get what i want (not everything though).

or should i be sad? to have be the one to leave friends and loved ones behind. to miss out on alot of events and hang out with friends. and so on and so forth.

for me, i'm ok with it. just ok. yes, i'm ready to leave the Philippines and move to London for a few years mainly coz of my dad's job. i have my reasons why i want to leave, to be able to start anew. total change of surrondings, surroundings that are so full of memories (mostly painful). and it would do good for my education too. especially for the future. in 5 years time, we all would be working. then i could really be independent.

but it's so hard to leave when you have so much to leave behind. all my friends, especially those really close and special to me (they know who they are), is the main reason i don't want to leave. everything would be different. if i had any problems, my friends are just a text or a call away. but that wouldn't be possible if i were far away. of course, i would have friends there too. but i love my friends now and i ain't looking for anything more. or if we were to hang-out, it would be easy. yeah, if i was here. but no, i can't text them and tell them to meet up in Paris or Italy. well, definitely it's gonna be hard. but i think i can handle it.

love life? hmmm. i don't want to dwell on that subject too much. all i'm gonna say is that i'm happy right now. i really am. whatever the situation is. if there is one thing i've learned from my past relationship is how painful love really is. but that shouldn't (and it definitely wouldn't) stop me from loving again. and it's a wonderful feeling. it's really beautiful. =)

so how do i view my life right now? well it doesn't really matter. coz even if life sucks. even if reality hits me hard. i'm ok with it. and with that i'm happy. i've got my restback anyway. and whatever happens in the future, i would be to handle it. i'll just keep on smiling and singing... =)

"what about love?
what about feeling?
what about all the things
that make life worth living?
what about faith?
what about trust?
oh baby, tell me,
what about us?"

[currently listening to: what about us?]

Announcement!!!

2006-02-01T14:22:00.000+08:00

Lalans...

The deadline of submission of entries is extended until February 28, 2006...

Mag-submit naman tayo!!!

Just read the mechanics for guidance...

;-)

post-cheering pictures [town]

2006-01-25T13:57:00.000+08:00

an event that was so hyper (diba sa starbucks?) it only happened for that day
here are the pictures from our last alis...

indulge in the beauty of lalans..hehe joke

jix and karlo.. papakavain lang naman po...

here's a pic i took, candid talaga.

cass, chismax to the max

pardz, takin a pic also

lelai and karlo, halaman? hehe.

remember r_ _ n (ung tree sa kabilang gazeebo)

bwahahaha!!!

here's kuya pardz, cassie ang karlo. oh! the Vanity!!!

mga future endorsers ng jollibee

hehehe.

hehehe scandal sa barkada!!! joke lang.

lelai, are you on crack?

hehehe.

joke.

jichael and karlo uli, ang best pals sa group

advertizing the ubos na pagkain tray, wax papaer and drink

aleli, hehehe ok lang yan you still look preety to us! oi! lalaki na ulo nyan.. joke!

wah! miss you all guys talaga!!!!!

mama mich entry # 1: to you from me.

2006-01-23T19:34:00.000+08:00

death. after death. life.

and apparently this is my first, serious entry.

to mr. thanatophobic,

"that's only your imagination..playing tricks on you. a clock can do no harm to you so there's no reason to get scared."

like i said, right back at you.
death can do no harm--death is the absence of harm, if you have great faith in God and if you are confident that you will live with Him for eternity. death is the absence of all the pain that we are actually feeling right now in this world. so why fear death if it can do no harm?

fine, i understand that some people fear death--but to a level that they fear the death of another person..let's say of a loved one perhaps...but if you do fear death itself, it's like saying that you still want to live in a world full of pain and misery. it's like you are not that confident that you will be with God after death.

if you fear the death of a loved one, it's like you're trying to make them suffer in the realities that we have right now...sorry if im in a pessimistic mood but dont you think it's all true? that you, me, and everyone else suffers in this world? with death, we are free.

and those loved ones of yours will never leave you. God wouldn't do that to you now wouldn't He? It's maybe bcoz he wants your loved ones to be safe in His hands right? He has great faith in you that you will still succeed whether they are dead or alive. now would you have faith in Him too?

God gave us life, not just to take it away. remember this, not all things are one sided. [right karlo?] think of the possibilities..of all the reasons why God gave us life. don't you think that it is a blessing that God gave us life? to see not just the pain, the agony..but also the beauties of it? of his creation?

so God gave us pain...hardships are one way of proving one's strength, and we should thank Him for giving us that for us to be stronger each and everyday. it is for us to learn a lesson. not just the ones we learn in our classrooms, but the ones that would really make us succeed in our life.

"Suffering is inevitable; suffering is caused by desire and attachment to desire; to eliminate suffering, we must eliminate desire."

-- if suffering is inevitable and it is caused by desire and attachment to desire, it's merely impossible to eliminate desire. it [desire] too, is inevitable. don't you think? try to eliminate desire...it's like you're saying that you try to eliminate the feeling of 'love'...now that wouldn't be good [especially if you apply that to your family] now would it?

so what if we die? in the long run, you will experience such and so will i...
if you imagine of all the demise that you will eventually experience, so let's say that you [ or someone else] will die because of an accident *knocks on wood*

so what now if you know that? what will you do about it then?

you can never stop death, if you yourself admit that it is inevitable...why do you think of it often and make it a problem?

let your mind and soul be free. free from your fear.

so what really happens if a person dies? i myself do not know. nobody knows, and don't you worry for your question will be answered someday. so dont fret, because im sure...the answer will be something not worth fearing.

my goodness, that's enough philosophy for me.
i'd like you to comment on that.
cheers.
ms. clinophobic

Chai Entry Number ONE

2006-01-21T19:54:00.000+08:00

Theory of the Objectivity of Love

---------------------------------------------------------

People in this world are neither good nor evil. People only love. It must be clarified, for the reader’s sake that the word ‘love’ is used in the context, not as the common notion of it as directed towards others or the common good. Love may be directed to anything, living or non-living, material or immaterial.

The object of our love is so diverse. Some people may love peace, knowledge, beliefs, religion, faith, pleasure, stability, comfort, and even love itself. Love’s most popular object is the ‘not- self’ like the family, friends, a single person, the country, the oppressed, the needy, and other forms of martyrdom. But it can also be directed to other less popular 'self-centered' things such as fame, wealth, adventure, talent, superiority and power.

Love is something, which cannot be easily judged as good or evil, but it is true that true love entails sacrifice and suffering. If a person loves peace, he may sometimes suffer from passiveness for the sake of peace. Some people who love knowledge, doesn’t even mind sacrificing a normal social life and wealth. Some who love their beliefs, religion and faith, are also willing to do so. Some, who love pleasure, can be willing to sacrifice their moral values. Some, who love stability and comfort, would do away with possibilities, change and adventure. Those who love ‘love’ itself are willing to risk anything for the sake of loving and being loved. The same things go for everything else.

Indeed, love is very powerful. A person can never be stopped from loving. It wouldn’t matter if we think that the object of a person’s love is wrong, because loving or knowing that you have achieved what you love would make you happy, no matter how others judge you.

To think that everybody ‘just loves’ would make it easier for us to accept other people, whatever kind of person they may be. For example, someone who is selfish could be described in a neutral manner as someone who loves himself. A person who acts cowardly may be someone who just loves peace or possibly safety. A person whom society calls as flirty could be someone who just loves attention. Describing every form of love would take eternity.

Loving is innate in all of us. If God is Love, then it is true that God has created us in His own image and likeness - by planting in all of us the seed of love. The important thing is that we have to accept that we all love different things in different ways. This acceptance is called respect.Respect is more powerful than love because it reconciles everything.

Love is good, as long as we do not hinder the ability of others to love in their own way.

Kuya Pardz Entry 1: an eventful 19th birthday celebration...

2006-01-21T17:39:00.000+08:00

an eventful 19th birthday celebration...

it's the 21st of January and i'm only able to update my blog now...and believe me alot has happened during that week. actually, the whole year started off exciting for me. i was asked to choreograph a cheerdance routine for the high school sophomores of my alma mater. i was actually caught off guard coz i never expected it nonetheless i accepted the offer. so, i had a hudge undertaking in front of me...i have to make a routine with stunts and lifts in a span of two and a half weeks. it called for alot of creativity on my part and alot of hardwork nonetheless i was able to create a routine. we had the cheerdance competion las friday and won 3rd place which was good enough for me and my squad but what really touched me was the validation that my fellow batchmates gave me. it really meant alot to me.

my 19th birthday actually started off like any other normal day but what surprised me was the fact that alot of people greeted me. even people that i wasn't that close to greeted me. this birthday was actually one of the best of my life. i've been trully been blessed and it made me realize that i must have done something good in my life for the Lord to bless me with so much. i feel that im sometimes not worthy especially at the fact that i'm not exactly a model Catholic but it's blessings like this that make me realize and make me reaffirm my faith in Him. He trully gives you what you deserve and no matter what you've done in life He still makes you feel loved and all He asks is very little. i feel so sad that i can't even do that but i'm trying to do my best.
there's alot that i asked for this year but i guess what stood out is the wish that i fall in love again. after with what happened the last time (which i can trully say that i've moved on) im still apprehensive to fall. i must admit that i'm having new prospects but im not counting on them. if they are meant for me it will come. i consulted my favorite book about this and it said that im wishing and that i shouldn't think of anyone specific. i should believe that it will come and that it is meant for me so for now im just happy with my life and how things are going. i still have alot of things to do but i know that i'll get through them.

Kaloy Entry 1: Love and its connection to stones and diamonds...

2006-01-18T14:16:00.000+08:00

sometimes it's just so hard to fall because you'll never gonna get any warning that could prevent you from tripping and getting scarred... the hardest part about it is you getting up on your feet again, learning from it, and preparing for the next time you might just fall...

it is the hardest part, especially when you almost gave all of your heart to a person who never knew you loved, and then you just ended up knowing that that person loves someone else... it is very crushing and tough to get up on both feet again because the heartache made you very fragile and vulnerable... and you wouldn't be able to escape the sadness... you are bound to absorb everything that happened... and you'll never gonna know when would a person touch your heart or take it away again... all you can really do is get over...

it's just like tripping on a stone and having your knee bleed... you cure it to stop the bleeding and heal the wound... but you wouldn't be able to know when you will trip again... instead you would just prepare yourself for the next fall...

we're all destined to fall for someone... and we're all destined to be hurt for falling too... but we shouldn't be afraid of falling... in fact, we should take advantage of all the chances we can get in our lives... so we just have to patch up our knees to make it look nice, buy some more medication (in case of another accident), and look at and be aware of all the stones that we pass by...

we'll never know when will forever come because all the best things in life happen and come when you least expect it... so never miss a stone because you might have just missed a diamond... ;-)

Gazeebo De Lala's Top 3 Blog Entries Mechanics

2006-01-09T12:36:00.000+08:00

* the mechanics has no order whatsoever

1) all lalan bloggers can join.

2) blog entries (maximum of 2) are to be posted only here at our blog.

3) deadline for entries is at feb. 28, 2006.

4) the top 5 blog entries will be declared on march 18, 2006. it will be posted through a blog entry.

5) blog entries previously posted can be used as an entry. lalans who will use their previous blog entries must re-post them in the blog.

6) entries' title must be under this format: (name of lalan) Entry (entry number): (title of entry )

7) entries can be in Tagalog, English, or Taglish.

8) entries could be in any form of prose or poetry.

9) judging will be through a poll in our yahoo group.

10) all lalans, blogger or non-blogger, could choose their top 2 chosen entries. lalans could only vote once per selected entry.

11) lalans could not pick their own entries.

12) poll will be created / will start the day after the last date of submission of entries. only the moderator of our yahoo group will create and monitor the poll.

13) all lalans must comply with the mechanics. or else...

* suggestions for change/addition in the mechanics must be first posted in the tag board in this format: CHANGE: (suggestion for change/addition)

Ligaw na Kaluluwa

2006-01-07T20:45:00.000+08:00

Wala akong katahimikan.

Pakiramdam ko ay isa akong ligaw na kaluluwa na humihingi ng tulong, umiiyak, pero nang makita mo ako ay agad mong tinakbuhan. Ni hindi mo man lang yata napansin na dugo ang iniluluha ko. Ang alam mo lang, hindi mo ako dapat makaharap. Takot ka sa akin. Takot kang harapin ako. Hindi mo gustong makita ako sa kasalukuyan dahil ako ay nabibilang sa nakaraan.

Hindi mo ako nais makitang naghihinagpis, dahil ang gusto mo lang isipin ay naging masaya ako sa iyo, na ayos lang ang lahat, na pinalagpas ko lang ng mapayapa ang lahat ng ginawa mo. Hindi mo gustong malaman na nakasakit ka, na nasugatan mo ako nang lubos. Hindi mo matanggap na namatay ako dahil sa’yo. Nangangarap ka na mapayapa na ang kaluluwa ko ngayon, na tanging hiling ko lang ay kaligayahan mo, na gusto ko nang manahimik sa sarili kong buhay.

Inilibing ang puso ko nang buhay.

Pumipintig pa ito, pero tinabunan na ng lupa at putik. Isinulat mo sa aking puntod sa iyong alaala na ako ay namuhay ng maligaya kasama ka. Na pumanaw ako ng tahimik at may ngiti sa labi. Ngunit hindi mo iniukit na mapait ang mga ngiti ko kasabay ng aking mga huling hininga. Alam kong alam mo iyon, ngunit talagang hindi mo gustong tanggapin ang katotohanan.

Tulad ng lahat ng taong pumapanaw, ninais kong bumalik sa taong minahal ko habang nabubuhay. Ikaw ang gusto kong balikan. Gusto kitang makita. Gusto kong malaman kung kamusta ka na, kung nalungkot ka man lamang ba sa aking pagkawala. Gusto kitang yakapin kahit na ang madarama mo lang ay isang malamig na hangin na nakakakilabot, kasama ng mapapait na alaala.

Ngunit dahil ako ay patay na, hindi na ako bingi sa katotohanan. Nadidinig ko ang binubulong ng isip mo. Ayaw mong makita ako muli. Alam kong hindi kakayanin ng iyong kunsiyensya ang iyong ginawa.

Wala na akong buhay, pero may damdamin pa rin ako. Kaya bumubuhos pa rin ng tuluyan ang luha ko. Ang luha at dugo mula sa pusong sugatan. Nagmamantsa pa rin ito sa aking mahabang puting damit. Bakas pa rin sa aking kaluluwa ang sugat.

Hindi na kita gustong balikan, dahil ayaw mo. Ngayon, heto ako at pagala-gala sa kawalan. Paminsan ay makakatagpo ng isang taong nag-iisa at saka ko ibubulong ang “tulungan mo ako… tulungan mo ako…%u20
######

Thanks to mamamich for the idea. Deadly. Hehe.

Gazeebo De Lala's Top'5 Charts... ;-)

2006-01-03T16:27:00.000+08:00

***

Top 5 Issues:

5) kris' blue-eyed ex-lover
- uhh... blue eyes... those blue eyes... his blue eyes... very blue eyes... wait... blue eyes? huh? those blue eyes?!? HIS blue eyes?!? aarrrghhh...

4) paul & colleen's love story
- remember the day they first got together (october 25, 2005)? and the moment when they arrived at the gazebo teary-eyed and with rings on their, well, ring fingers? awww... nobody will definitely forget their incredible love story...

3) mama mich - elijah conflict (debate of the lalans vs. elijah)
- we all LOVE that debate, now don't we?

2) chai - gari issue
- this issue is still sizzling these days... refer to the blogs...
RE: from chai:(showbiz to) "Friends lang kami! OK?" Hehe. New life!

1) mama mich - lalans conflict
- the tears... the walk-outs... the confessions... the misunderstandings... the lies... the secrets... the conflict... (oh well, past is past... don't try to dig it up... hehehe... if you're confused about what this is about, don't be...)

Top 5 Theme Songs:

5) Bedan Hymn

4) Mata by Mojofly

3) Suntok Sa Buwan by Session Road

2) ABS-CBN Theme Song

1) Coca-Cola Theme Song by Nikki Gil

Top 5 Love Teams:

5) Keisha - Miguel

4) Anakat - Stephen - Maryel

3) Copo - Cass - Aleli - Colleen

2) Mama Mich - nyebe =p

1) Paul - Colleen

***

And the list goes on...

username: our barkada name... ---> *************
password: what are we called? ---> ******

Why do I have to end up this way?

2006-01-03T15:35:00.000+08:00

Why do I have to end up this way?
Lost the kisses, my faith, my mind
Why did you mess with my forever?
When time was everything, so sweet and kind

I looked down and all that sweet scent of a rose
Tears felt my eyes and saw gleaming stars
Never felt an island away from your heart
But now I’m distraught, my heart’s behind bars

Screaming for the odds just passing me by
Hoping for the moment that you would be mine
Reaching for the hand that I held in my dreams
Withered thoughts of you so charming and fine

The wind lifts my soul and overcomes my fear
Scared of not feeling your once cold breath
And even if dread hinders me from you
I’ll always endure; I won't wait my death

©

In my life...

2005-12-17T15:55:00.000+08:00

alot has happened in the past couple of weeks that i don't know exactly where to begin with this entry. bear with me if the sequence of events are not as organized as i had hoped.

1. My Life...
my life has been very crazy the past few weeks with change around every corner. one, i've always been open with my current academic situiation those of you who know me can atest to this but now this have taken a turn hopefully not for the worst. i had just found out the results of my effort to switch schools but lets just say that the result was not what i expected. i was wait-listed mainly because of the fact that im still currently attending school and the condition for my admission is a copy of my transcript to be evaluated to know if im at par with the level o excellence they are know for but unfrotunatly since they gave me my results a few days later than expected i can not give them what they require and i have no choice but to wait the school year out and apply again for the next term. i was completly disappointed. i was hoping to get out of my current rat hole that i didn't prepare myself for the outcome. though it is hard for me to accept i know that there must be a reason behind this. like what i always say "everything happens for a reason..." the Lord has something else planned for me that's why i got the results i got. i will not allow this to deter me from my goal of getting out but rather makes me want persue it more. i know that the road is gonna be long and hard but i know that i can make it through no matter what.

2. Love life...
my love life is still pretty much the same. like what i said before in another entry in this blog 've made peace with her and i can honestly say that i am happy for her and the way her life is going. someone asked me what was it that made me treat her the way i did. back then i wouldn't have given you an answer but now (with the help of my best friend) i know why i did what i did. it was simplely because she knew me. the real me. the part of me that very few people get to see. she got to see the real me that i freaked out and pushed her away. i know now that what i did was wrong and i know i can't take it back but i know that i can build a better future. she will always be the love of my life and that will never change.

to this person, you know who you are. if you happen to read this i just want you to know that i will always be thankful to the Lord for bringing you to my life and for teaching me that there is more to me than what i thought. you taught me to be true to myself and i will never forget it. i want you to always remember that im here for you no matter what. i love you and miss you. take care always and God bless!!!

Ako rin!

2005-12-03T20:54:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a multi dimensional wonderland, with many layers.
You're the type that always has multiple streams of though going.
And you can keep these thoughts going at any time.
You're very likely to be engaged in deep thought - and deep conversation.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Hidden Talent

You have the power to persuade and influence others.
You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.
The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.
Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest:

You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.

At Your Lowest:

You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.

In Love:

You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.

How You're Attractive:

Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.

Your Eternal Question:

"What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.
Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.
You cherish all of the details in life.
Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How Scary Are You?

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

What Element Are You?

You Are a Rose

You are a total alpha female who tends to be a leader.
Your friends depend on you to hold things together and make decisions.
Men are drawn to your feminine powers and strength.
While you are the center of attention, you are secretly introverted and a bit shy.

What Flower Are You?

Your Personality Profile

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.

You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.
A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Ahh... Life continues Rolling. We're here.

2005-12-03T20:48:00.000+08:00

From now on, I'm smiling.

"Life" is so beautiful...
Why ruin it's wonderful color by crying for "ugly" things...

Some truths reveal themselves...

Even if they can be so nasty, it's worth considering. My mind's working and I'm not going to be fooled again by some ugly creature that tries to take over my life...

The only thing that can make me sad now is the death of my dog, Shinji.

May that dog rest in peace. And with that, I symbolically bury all my feelings: hurt, anger, fear, bitterness.

Don't be sad because I have moved on. I'm not being sarcastic here.

No one will bring me down.

I'm not allowing anybody anymore.

I'm contented with my life.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

I can still love.

I still love everybody, like I always do.

I won't be bitter anymore.
It's only for losers.

Thank God I've come back to myself.

I'm not saying that I didn't love at all.
I'm not saying that I didn't feel loss.
Actually I really was sad.

Even devastated perhaps.

I was grieving for the loss of a great love.
And that great love was what I have GIVEN.

Received? I don't know... I hope.

The only thing that was worth crying for was the lost effort, energy, time, dreams perhaps.

Well, the truth is it's not actually a loss.

I've had experiences.

Plenty of wonderful ones.

But more nasty ones.

I've learned many lessons. (From myself actually.)

But finally it's through.

I'm not saying that I don't cry at night anymore.

But I'm not pitying myself anymore.

Never.

I guess it's time to defend myself.
And I mean my real self.

I've accepted this diverse self of mine. The weeping child, the fighting girl, the proud person, the loyal friend, the loving martyr, the weakling, the bold, and even the weird woman. Finally, I got them all reconciled.

Special thanks to my logical, honest, problem-solving, many-layered mind.

Also I would like to give gratitude to my dearest friends... Lalans... (I read our blog...) Mama mich... Buddy... My best wicked friend Karlo V... My evil but nice step family in UP, my blockmates, and my professors who never fail to keep my head full of things and homework, quizzes and papers to think about.

Most of all, I thank God, the Holy Spirit, St. Benedict, St. Jude, St. Anthony, Mama Mary and Jesus, my Superfriend.

*******

BTW: We are not alone... Being alone is only a state of mind. Everybody is a part of us... So they are always WITH us. Actually, IN us. And, let me not forget this: If we are alone right now, then where is GOD?

Another thing, why would you feel alone? I'm not a wall flower. Friends are not members of the plant Kingdom... Smile!

Love... Misery... Prayers... My stomach tells it all...

2005-12-01T20:05:00.000+08:00

thanks to my very dear friend Hanna...

she asked me: "how can you mend a broken heart?"

and in a split of a second, i remembered that it was a song by michael buble and that it is included in his first album... i have a cassette tape of that album... i used to listen to it every night to sing me to sleep, but i do not know where it is now... i hope i still have it in my house's lot... it is very dear to me because i had a lot of trouble the day i bought it... at the end of that day i thought that those troubles were worth having because i bought that tape of michael buble with my own money... i was so proud of myself! hahaha... i really love his music... his voice... aaahh...

anyways...

after i remembered those things in that split of a second (no sh*t), i answered half-unconsciously: "love again"...

then i stopped walking... my friend responded: "oo nga noh... tama ka diyan friend..." she agreed with me... i also agreed with that-part-of-me-who-said-that me... and then guessed who i remembered next...

if you know who you are and if you're reading it right now, well, hello! for those who know they are not the one who i am talking about and who know who i am talking about, thank you for knowing who i am talking about...

L O V E

halt!

love? again?

umm...

anyways...

before those things that i mentioned above happened, Hanna and i were also with Nerley, my other friend... she was so sad... she didn't tell me what was wrong... that's because she also know what's wrong...

weird? nah...

have you ever had that feeling that you were sad because of a reason you cannot comprehend and understand? because of a reason you yourself do not know? see? it is really not that weird... i know you have already experienced that... me too... oh, by the way, my friend Hanna was also sad... i didn't bother asking why because...

because...

because...

my pelvic bone,

kidneys,

urinary bladder,

feet,

and, above all,

my stomach,

hurt that time... i was freakin' crazy trying to think separately about those body parts of mine that were aching...

M I S E R Y

fortunately, Nerley suggested that we go to the chapel and pray... she told me that she always does it whenever she is sad and everything... i thanked her for suggesting it... i really needed it...

early that morning, because of that stupid debate in my Philosophy 1 subject about the existence of God, i got confused and all the things that i believed in got mixed up and entangled with the ones that i learned from the debate...

so i prayed for the happiness of my friends, guidance for me, and a lot more... lots more...

P R A Y E R S

and my stomach survived and lived to tell these all...

©

Crying a river...

2005-11-23T19:55:00.000+08:00

my grandmother just died...

i told you it's gonna get personal...

this year, my family had 2 deaths... one was the father of my mother that happened 5 days before mother's day, and the other one was today, just this afternoon...

my grandmother's son, whom i came from, is, as of this moment, rushing to our house in batangas. he said that he is taking charge of the to-do things for her burial and everything... it is night... and he is driving... i hope he gets to places safe and sound...

my mother too is on her way now... i dont know if anybody else in our family is with her... i hope the same thing...

gosh... my previous entry, the one about solitude is like nothing compared to what i am feeling right now... this one is crushing... i really don't know, i am lost right now... i am drifting in the perpetual clouds of seclusion and despondency... i can't cry in this public computer cafe... later, in my dorm room... i will cry a river...

bear with me... drown if you must... drink from it if u wish... or cry also if you can... basta... the river will not stop from flowing into the sea of the heavens...

©

A decade of solitude...

2005-11-21T19:49:00.000+08:00

tonight, a realization dawned on me...

a realization that created a weird but vivid concoction of feelings in my soul...

i am alone...

you might not agree with me... you might say that i feel self-pity... that i am saying some bull sh*t again... that i am exaggerating or whatever...

but this time, i agree with myself... i agree with the fingers that typed these lonely, desolate words that were generated by my sagging brain... i agree with the muscles in my face, contracting and wrinkling... i agree with the rainy weather... i agree with the moonless sky... i agree with the empty computer cafe... i agree with the deafening silence... i agree with myself...

i am alone... i'm a loner... i'm an island inside an island... or rather an archipelago... not that i have schizophrenia, but i do think so... i'm a person with a destiny that whatever i do i will be the same thing every single day of the rest of my life, feeling the same thing, experiencing the same thing, thinking the same thing, writing the same thing, expressing the same thing: solitude...

you people, especially my dear friends, my barkada, my family, might react to these gloomy, intricate words violently... but this is what i feel... and believe it or not, i have been feeling this for the past decade... seriously... no bull... for 10 years, people, 10 years of oppression, insults, criticism, confusion, tears, despondency, and everything else in between...

this is quite surprising for you, my dear reader, right?

but this is true... i have been misunderstood, overlooked, and maltreated for 10 years (no malice, people)... by my family, friends, by people who knew me and saw me but only saw my facade and not my soul...

{ for those who don't know they have hurt me in a way or in ways, who are constantly hurting me, and, well, those who will hurt me or at least plan to hurt me: you don't know the real me... you just know a part of me... you don't know the whole me... you don't know the truth about me... you think so superficially that you judge me in the wrong manner with the wrong basis and the wrong standards... you are so ignorant and neglectful and insensitive of other's feelings... you do not have the right to oppress me because you did not create me, and i will not let you destroy me... i do not love you and i do not need you... if i do love you, please change (if you still want me to love you)... just accept me the way i am... respect me for who i am... love me for who i am... and if this does not seep into your morals, fine... Bahala na si God sa iyo... }

anyways...

this realization, that i am a loner, is partially untrue...

hahaha... i just contradicted myself... ;-)

anyways... moving on...

as i have said, it is partially untrue because i do have friends who really love me and like me for who i am, and my family loves me more than they love their selves...

but here i am, far from my friends and family who love me...

here in this place, i only have people who treat me as a friend... nobody loves me here... i don't have much friends either... i am always alone with myself... doing things alone... doing things that are normally done with friends... i am also surrounded by "plastic" people... my friends here do not care much about me... my friends here have their own friends, which they prioritize more than me... i am the one who is least prioritized...

solitude... a decade of solitude...

©

Renaissance, lalans... ;-)

2005-11-21T18:50:00.000+08:00

announcement!

attention!

oist!

excuse me!

pssst!

there will be a major, if not, total change here in my blog... there will be a revolution... this time, my entries will be based more on my experiences... this time, i will update my blog more often... this time, i will write more on the aspect of life itself, rather than plain love... don't worry there would still be lessons, but this time it's more on life and less on love... this time, it's gonna get personal...

i really don't know what came over me tonight... maybe it was the spicy chicken... or maybe the droplets of H2O from the somber sky that touched my soul... or maybe the age-old unfathomable desolation that's slowly surfacing to my eyes... or maybe the withering poet inside me that is craving for a breath of ideas and ingenuity... all i know is that i suddenly had the urge to revise and revolutionize my blog into something more, which other people, superficial or profound, can easily relate to (in contrast to my past entries about love lessons that eventually wilted after some time of commendation)...

now, i will try to appeal more to the people of my century (especially to the ones who kept on trying to find something new in my blog but always failed to do so)... now i am going to tell my story... i will refrain from publishing generalized entries and i will write more on my life story... i will, from now on, present myself barenaked, *ahem* figuratively of course, to my dear readers and let them sink in to my stream of existence...

oh yes... this time, it's gonna get personal... ;-)

©

2005-11-21T17:23:00.000+08:00

New Fears...

like the title says...this entry is about new fears.

you see i just made the choice of transferring to another school after seeing that my current course wasn't really for me. everything's set...i've submitted my application, i just have to submit one last requirement and then im set to take the entrance exam on the 4th of december but then it dawned on me.

what if this doesn't work out again?

what if i give in to fears once again?

did i make the right choice this time?

alot of questions popped into my head and made me feel uneasy that i wasn't able to get some sleep that night. i know that i shouldn't live in what if's and stuff like that but when it comes to my future and what im gonna do with my life i can't help but wonder. i can't help but question, i can't help but fear the unknown.

i dunno what to do...i feel so lost again.

Woohoo!!! Nov. 16! HP4!!! Watch out for me!

2005-11-09T10:29:00.000+08:00

Get a load of this! See you this semester at hogwarts! Bwahaha.

2005-11-06T14:37:00.000+08:00

and im back.
all in all, this sem break sucks. yeah, you saw that right. i was about to say 'was bullsh*t' but 'sucks' would be less dramatic and more acceptable to the public.

caution: if you're below the age of a teenager or can't stand reading blog entries with gruesome vocabulary and hatredness, i suggest you click that small 'x' on the upper right of this window right about...NOW.

and back to our show, reality.

how horrific was my sem break? it was so boring and i abstained from technology that i had to force my eyes to read a book. oh let me rephrase. five books. i swear, i need my broken eyeglasses fixed.the book i'm reading right now is quite alright, sophies world...if you know that book and if you're my classmate, you might think, 'man, she still can't get enough of philosophy...' a hangover? maybe. i find it facinating though...the book i read before that will really make you think, 'yup, it's a hangover--with a little bit of desperation...'
so what? the tao of Pooh is really...i have no idea why i survived reading 158 pages of that book but hey! dont fret, i shan't talk to you like im talking to socrates or something...
but of all the books..really...i still cant believe that dumbledore is dead! again, hats off to Rowling. oh, and to Dan Brown. yes, i read Angels and Demons and i tell you, it was truly an unputdownable book.

unputdownable (un`pût 'dõwn áblē) adj. 1. reading such book for more than 24 hours straight 2. reading such book until eyes are merely red and eyebugs are visible syn. (see works of Dan Brown)

* * *

Do you know what i hate about rumors? some of it has a big chance that it is actually the truth. and do you know what i hate about some truths?
they suck real bad. truth hurts.

warning: again, if you are undergaged and not old enough to see horrific and immoral stuff which i am about to type below, i suggest you turn away from the pc or just press ctrl+alt+del twice.

welcome to someone else's college life.
let's just put it this way. i will tell all the rumoric details as straight as possible. this will be my first and last.
what if your friend told you that one of your bestfriends was receiving a blow job from his girlfriend on a school day? round 8 in the morning? in his car perhaps? (excuse me, i have to barf fo a while)

codswallop, right? preposterous? nonsense? impossible?
on to the details: this guy picks up his girl, goes to school, parks in front (take note) in front of the college building and doesn't go out for a long time. one guy noticed and came near the car and saw. a couple having oral sex. gee, how wholesome. (excuse me, i have to barf again)

and mind you, i heard this rumor from not just 1 person.
i've been hearing a lot of different rumors from different people about him and it leads to one main idea--that he's an addict on the process of procreation. im sorry, can't say that one straight.

to believe or not to believe, that is the que--i think i read too much philosophical books.
honestly, im really confused. i dont know on which side to believe in.

now if you're underaged and not old enough to see horrific and immoral stuff which i just wrote above, my apologies. but it's not my fault that your eyes and mouth are wide open right now--told you that wasn't wholesome. screw the guy who had oral sex with his girlfriend.

life 102.5: oh im sorry, no lessons learned from this yet. stay tuned.

Letting Go

2005-11-05T18:57:00.000+08:00

To let go doesn't meanb to stop caring, it means i can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I don't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

Whoa... the DEVIL'S HOUR

2005-10-30T18:51:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 2:58 am today.

I was awakened by my brother's text message.... Another of those silly friendship quotes.

What struck me is the time.

I recently bought Haunted Philippines and True Philippine Ghost stories books and I guess I read somewhere mentioning that 3:00 am was the devil's hour...That people usually have a hard time going back to seep at that time.

Two more minutes and it'll be 3:00 am!

But wait there's more.

There were three more messages on my phone... From one of my VIPs.

I can't describe how I felt.

But I swear I cried.

I didn't know why. I found myself talking to God again. Suddenly. Most sincerely, after a long time. I was guilty that I only come to Him when I am troubled. When I am depressed. I usually forget him in my happinness. In my comfort. And I regret that.

So, I was actually crying about someone telling me off about how I have not guarded my actions and emotions. Well that wasn't exactly it. But that is how I perceived it...

I cried, because I knew he was right. I cried, because what he was asking from me was my former attitude on life.(Which he actually changed) -and now he's telling me that I should stick to that. I cried, because I was damned so afraid of what could happen next. I don't want a complete change... I'm afraid to lose my VIP's. Especially someone who cared for me a lot - someone whom I really loved. HIM actually. It really freaked me out. I'm a totally pessimistic paranoid fool who can mock myself and blow my brain out by just thinking of how disastrous certain things can affect my life. Well, the point is that I cried.

I have to ask forgiveness, from so many people.

They're all actually my VIP's and I really owe all of them a lot.

It's just that I wouldn't learn my lesson until somebody would hit me hard in the head.

And somebody did hit me not only in the head, but also straight in the heart. I found myself at the break of dawn actually crying. Twisting and turning in bed. Praying hard. Breathing hard. My chest like hell. Maybe I'm just too emotional when thinking during that time of the morning. It's pretty weird, but I was suddenly enlightened. I found out the answer to why I had loved somebody so much. Perhaps I suddenly touched my subconcious and that gave me just the answer.It made me cry much more... But I still prayed. Did some bargaining with God, which I always do in times of pain. I decided to send a message. It was actually a 27 part message. I understood in a way, and felt that I have to accept it. I know a lot of things were my fault... I said what I felt. Sent the text message before I could change my mind. Felt a little better. Thanked God and fell back to sleep at around 5:30 am...

Now I wonder If the 3:00 am-so-called-Devil's-hour was the reason for my sleepless night. (Morning maybe?) Anyway. I still cling to the promise that nothing will change between us.
And I really hope so.
I really do.

_FELLOW LALANS, IT'S THE FIRST TIME I POSTED SOMETHING VERY PERSONAL HERE. YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ALL MY VIP's. I SINCERELY REGRET NEGLECTING MOST, IF NOT ALL OF YOU. I'M TRULY SORRY... I KNOW I HAVE ACTED OUT OF MYSELF SOMETIMES... BUT MAYBE EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE UNDERSTOOD TOO... I'M TRULY GRATEFUL FOR HAVING ALL OF YOU AS MY FRIENDS... LET ME MAKE IT UP TO ALL OF YOU ONE DAY... OR MAYBE IF SOME OF YOU NEED SOME EXPLANATIONS... JUST TELL ME... I'LL TRY. OK? I LOVE YOU ALL... AND SHABU IS OUR TERM FOR IT, ISN'T IT? SHABU..._

closure??

2005-10-22T17:21:00.000+08:00

yesterday i went with my friends and got to hang out and spend time with them. of course, there was the time to talk about my personal life concerning my past. i know i'm not supposed to still be talking about it. but i just can't help it. he can't let me go. why?

he has a new life and everything. i have my own life as well. why can't he just return my book and we both will move with our different lives? i just don't get it. there are still alot of things i don't understand. a lot of questions i want to ask. but i will never get the answers. not that i don't want to know what they are but there just is no way for me to find out about it.

maybe i still do have feelings for him. but that doesn't mean i want to get back with him or anything. all i want is for me to live my life without having to think of how to get my book back from him. that book is the only thing that's connecting me to him. aside from our common friends. and our past.

one more thing, why does he make a big deal out of everything? uptil now. no offense to him. but he isn't exactly the person who does what he says. he does the opposite. so does he think ll still believe everything he has said. hay.

all i can do now is want until he returns my book. when? i can never say for sure.closure? maybe he thinks being 'friends' is already his idea of closure. my idea of proper closure is when he returns my book. and we both move with our lives. coz there's nothing more to talk about. it is all over anyway. we are over.

Closure

2005-10-19T18:59:00.000+08:00

just recently i had the most intresting experience of my life and im so thankful that it happened. to be honest this happened a couple of weeks ago but the realization of it didn't sink in until today.

i've never had the oppertunity to feel the way im feeling and for once, in a very long time, im happy. im happy something that happened in my life and makes me see the world in a new light. coz for some time i've been feeling that when life throws you a curve ball and you miss it...you're gonna keep on missing it, but i was proven wrong. it is true that i still feel like im missing the balls but after what today it makes me feel that i can still make it.

the girl who occupied a great space of my heart has found her happiness at last and i couldn't be more happier for her. it is true that she didn't find it with me but nonetheless i know that she made the right choice. in my heart i know that this was meant to be and that this what our Superfriend wanted. im also very thankful for the fact that even after everything that happened between us, the joys,pains and so much more we kept our friendship alive and that is something i would cherish for all my life.

she saw something in me that i didn't want to see for myself...

she taught me just to be myself...

she made me want to change for the better...

i don't know what i would do if i haven't met and fell in love with this woman coz i know that life won't be the same without her in it.

we put the period in our past and now we are ready to start a new friendship.

thoughts of mine

2005-10-17T18:41:00.000+08:00

isn't it funny that whenever life gets hard we wish that we could just disappear or go to a place where no one could ever find us or get to leave for a foreign country were no one knows us and basically get a fresh start. in other words whenever life gats tough we wish we could get a fresh start; pretend that nothing happened and start off with a clean slate.

how we wish that life is that simple that whenever we find ourselves facing a problem or trial we could just press the rewind button and start over, but life isn't made up that way. we have to face our problems, we have to face our fears and no matter what we do we can't start off with a clean slate.

i actually find myself wishing that i could do all the things i had just mentioned. i wish i could off to a diffrent country and get a fresh start or even disapper for a couple of days to a place that no one could find me but the thing with that is im just running away from my problems. the fact of the matter is that i know what i have to do but then again i can't seem to do it.
im in that place that i was a few years ago...a place that i actually thought that i would never be back in again but apparently not. im being asked to grow-up more so than my peers and im feeling that it's happenning too fast that im beginning to feel lost. i don't know what to do and where to go. people expect so much from me that i have no room to make mistakes, or even second guess my choices and if i do im they make me feel that im a kid that doesn't know what im doing but what they fail to realize is that i am still just a kid. im still a teenager and that i don't always know what im doing, i can still make mistakes and second guess myself.

most of the people who know me would tell you that im like a "kuya" (that's why i got the nickname kuya pardz) or that im very responsible. they might say that im a "fashionista" or that im great dancer or that i give great advice but the thing is they just see the surface. that is just part of who i am but beneath that there's the insecurity, the fear and a whole lot of things that they don't see. i come off as someone whose sure of himself and confident but if they only knew that it was the complete opposite.

Choco Marble Renaissance... What a coincidence! ;-)

2005-09-19T13:23:00.000+08:00

Choco Marble Renaissance Refrigerator Cake... Made up of chocolate, cream, milk, egg, graham crackers, and marshmallows... I made it myself last sunday for my cousin's birthday... Hey, don't be impressed... It was cheese...

Marble... A swirl of chocolate and milk cream...
My life... A concoction of misery and bliss...
Wow... What a coincidence!

You might have read my previous post... You know... The hole thing... Ya... Misery... But during the past few days... Bliss...

Maybe because of the excitement that I'm feeling because my birthday is just around the corner... Oh I know... Because lately, my mother and I have nothing but peace between the both of us... And my father, not a single sermon or yell... No signs of agitation for the past few days... Hurrah! And my brother gave his gift for my birthday early... Some sort of a mini flash light... So compact yet so bright! And my sister... Helped me make the cake I mentioned... We had fun really...

That's why I'm very happy... And it is gradually covering up the make up that I wore when I was despondent... And now that I am apart from my friends, my lalans, they are the ones who are giving me love, and at the same time, reason to laugh at my dilemmas...

Family first... Ya... That's my promise to myself and to my parents... Because it seems that I don't have a choice because my old folks are expecting me not to leave them for someone (like a girlfriend or something like that)...

Haaay... It is very complicated... You see... My siblings have brought problems to our family due to their relationships... Especially my brother... And i witnessed how bad it affected my parents... How relationships with other people can ruin your relationship with your parents... So i became... Ya... Sorry... I became...

A

f

r

a

i

d

of having a relationship... Ya... Sorry... Haha...

But what I am talking about is the real thing... Not fling... Not one night stand (huh? eeww!)... The intimate committed one... Ya... Afraid... Trauma... You might think that I am too stupid to be afraid of it just because of that reason... Well...

They are not the only reasons...

There are some things that I would rather talk about with my friends than post here... Sorry... Ya...

A

f

r

a

i

d

But you know what... This is unexplainable... So weird... I want to have a relationship now... Hahaha!!! I am so weird...

Misery... Bliss...
Love... Trauma...
Joy... Dilemma...

Choco Marble Renaissance... What a coincidence! ;-)

2005-09-18T18:52:00.000+08:00

he's such a liar! i don't know why. and he always lies to me. me?! of all people he chose me to be the one he would lie to. one thing to say to him: WRONG CHOICE DUDE! 'coz i always would find out about his lies. just the other day, he lied to me. how am i supposed to believe him or even trust him at all if he continues to lie to me??? oh when will he ever stop?

i just don't understand. he's the one who's telling me to be honest and open to him. yet he's the one who's not honest or open. i don't know why i care or bother so much. it's just irritating. so annoying.

he's such a big fat LIAR. i want to shout at him, hit him or something just to get this all out. what does he think? that i'm dumb or something. ha? i'm not stupid like him. no way.

is this what he calls ' friends' or 'friendships'?? think again.

there's one thing i want to say to him. 'look. you're the reason i want to leave so badly that i may one day forget you and all the memories of us. hopefully when i come back, we can be friends. real friends. and hopefully you have outgrown your attitude towards me and all you lies. i'll be praying for that miracle.'

Para sa lahat ng nalulumbay...

2005-09-17T10:38:00.000+08:00

Hay...
Mga Friends...
Bakit ang daming sad? (Pati ako...)
Alam nyo, ayos lang yan...
Ganyan talaga ang buhay...
minsan ganito...
minsan ganun...
(Helpful ba itech?)
Oi pasensya sa informal na writing ha....)

Isipin nyo na lang...

Meron pa!

(Hehe nanggugulo ba ko??)
Commercial?

anyways

Kasi
Basta
isipin nyo 10 years from now
hindi nyo na poproblemahin yan
by that time
iba na ang ginagawa nyo...
lahat tayo (or at least some) stressed out ngayon...
Pero wag kayo mag-alala!
Lilipas din yan
promise
isipin nyo na lang yung mga problems nyo dati
diba wala na?
yung ngayon, mawawala din...
at sa future, dadating din yun
pero wag nyo na munang isipin yan!
Kasi...
umm...
hindi naman kayo iniisip ng mga problems eh!!
Hahaha
pasensya na
trying hard ako mag-advice...
O well
Saka
yung mga namomroblema sa grades
ayos lang yan
kahit ako rin e... ngayon... tsk tsk
hahaha
basta
love tayo ni Super friend!
Kaya natin yan

At itatanong natin...
kung love nga tayo ni Lord bakit hindi pa nya tayo kunin?
Kasi...
Marami pang reasons
may plan
hindi lang natin alam
pero meron yun
saka marami ka pang dapat gawin...
Kasi pag kinuha ka na, heller, baka wala ka namang maishare sa heaven sa eternal stay mo dun kasama yung mga pipol dun no.

Hahaha
Pasensya na
Basta...
kaya natin yan

ok?

Ingatz...

Shaboo..

a big whole in me right now...

2005-09-13T20:51:00.000+08:00

hindi ko talaga alam kung ano na ang nagyayari sa akin ngayon...
feeling ko may malaking butas sa katawan ko...
i really feel like there's something missing in my life...
ya...
i know...
i'm single...
pero darating din tayo diyan... not now 'no...
i have been feeling empty since i moved here in los baños sa piling ng mga puno ni maria makiling dito sa UP...
sobrang bumaba na ang mga dati'y matatayog na grades ko...
i can't speak up sa mga recitations...
i don't have a permanent group of friends...
feeling ko tuloy loser ako...
di tulad ng dati...
napapalibutan ako ng mga nagmamahal sa akin...
ganito nga ba talaga?
freshman=despondency?
kasi naman eh...
it's like the world's on top of my head...
i feel so empty...
sobra ang nostalgia ko...
sobra ang home sickness ko...
gusto kong ibalik ang nakaraan noong maayos pa ang lahat sa buhay ko...
naguguluhan ako...
still...
on identity crisis...
pero kahit papaano i see now a light...
but it isn't shining that brightly...
malabo nga eh...
i don't know kung ano na ang gagawin ko...
as of the moment i am aimless...
pointless...
purposeless...
naku, pessimism...
pero still, eto ang nararamdaman ko...
kaya nga blog eh...
isinusuko ko na ang lahat sa Panginoon...
sana kuhain na niya ako...
gusto kong malaman ang mga kasagutan sa tanong ko...
gusto ko nang maramdaman ang wagas na pagmamahal Niya...
pero marami ang iiyak... wag muna...
hahaha...
see?
i am confused...
very...
nakaka-depress naman... ano ba yan...
tulungan niyo ako...
kung sino man ang nagbabasa nito, help me...
sana mapabuti na ang lagay ng buhay ko...
everything in my mind is mixed up...
wala na akong alam na alam kong tama at nararapat...
lahat ng alam ko, di ko alam ang patutunguhan...
teka, bakit naman ako nagkakaganito?
ah...
kasi...
ewan...
hahaha...
i'm sh*t...
puro na lang ako sana... sana... sana...
sana malaman ko na kung sino ang makakasama ko forever...
sana malaman ko na ang estado ng buhay ko in the future...
sana makita ko na si God... i'm longing for him...
sana matagpuan ko na ang purpose ng buhay ko...
sana...
sana...
sana...
so empty...
i'm wilting...
i'm withering...
wala na...
ano ba tong nangyayari sa akin...
sa mga makakabasa nito, pasensya na ha...
don't worry, i won't do anything stupid...
di ako tanga no...
i love life...
pero...
still...
empty...
a big whole in me right now...
no more winks...

hay...

2005-09-13T16:00:00.000+08:00

hay...
this term is such a understatement for me and how i feel...
it can not fully express the feelings that are inside me...
there is so much going on in my life...
choices to make...
trials to face...
and somehow...
it takes alot out of me...
i used to be able to do this...
not sweating the small stuff...
but when you know...
that the future is affected...
by the choices you make right now...
you can't just sweat the small stuff...
so much is at stake...
and everything...
rests on me...
and my choices...
its a tough responsibility...
that i alone must carry...
no one can help me...
no one...

english+logic= doubtfully not observable.

2005-09-07T13:56:00.000+08:00

and i'm back.

all thanks to the revolutionary caffine drink that made me feel like there's no such thing as day and night. first time?
first time to see the stars and the list of the chemical components of a plant before me?
heck, no.
first time to see the sunrise and being nauseating at the same time?
yeah.

good thing my body tells me that they're still up and running for the midterms. result?
stay tuned.
this just in, im exempted in logic for the finals. *laughs* yeah, me. in logic.

and mind you, it's really eye-popping when you just know minutes away from your exam that your exam in english is 100--not 101. i mean, why do i have to have 2 english subjects?

to be globally competitive, of course.
yeah. yeah right.

seriously, i'd rather memorize all the bones of the skeletal system than memorizing the subject-verb agreement.
no wait, i resent that.
*laughs* not.

this just in, the world's turned upside down. it actually and finally did. and hey, i'd rather be happy now okay? im living a great life right now so please do the same for me, okay? please smile. just smile or else i'd be the first to slap you with a frog. or maybe a chicken. or maybe a cow.if i could just ask help from *snorts* oh gee whatdya look at the time.

so there.
oh and for the record, i am still very responsive from butterflies. in a bad way that is.
and from that narrow-minded, self-centered, grade-conscious person. ha, you'll never know. just guess from those 47 students. (sadly and surprisingly im one of them. hey, shut your mouth.)

with love,
the cram queen.

A poem to all my fellow Filipinos...

2005-09-06T22:52:00.000+08:00

REGALO

Parang mga batang binigyan ng dalawang piso
Ang mga taong ibinenta ang ating mga boto
Ipinagbili ang ating kaluluwa sa kung sino
Kapalit ang kinabukasang ‘di makita kundi anino
Kinang ng barya sa kanila’y abot langit
Kasalana’y itinatago sa kanilang mga singit
Boses ng sambayana’y ‘di dinidinig
Masilayan lang ang regalo’y biglang tindig
Hindi na malaman kung ano ang totoo
Dahil ang mga bata’y sadyang nagpauto
Sa mumunting regalong handog ng mga timang
Sa kanilang pagtahimik, demonyo’y magaabang

Touchy...touchy!!!

2005-09-06T17:29:00.000+08:00

"i read your blog..all i can say is "wow!" i never thought you could say somethin like that..you were expecting me to lie?!?!first of all..the reason i texted you was bec. i missed talkin to you coz apparently now your college and so far away.. i think thats pretty obvious..just becoz i dont text you that often anymore doesnt mean iv forgotten abwt you and when i text, it doesnt mean that im lookin for someone to rant out my problems to! besides, you of all people should know me better..i dont run to people if i hav a problem, i run to God for that..i ran to you coz i was wonderin how you were doin and if you were ayt..another thing is..i just mentioned to pao that kat told you bout lej and thats all..i didnt even know what hapened after that coz he didnt reply anymor..next thing, i wish you couldv told me..of all the people i believe in and trust most..how was i supposed to know?diba? if thats what you think about the times i text you nowadays, all i can say is, i thought you knew me better to think that..i guess i was wrong to think that then..if you felt like i was treatin you like crap tell me!!coz you have no idea what worse crap im goin through other than whats happenin to lej..you said yourself, you dont like it when people put on a mask to hide what their feeling..so why did you hide this from me?and you call me a bestfriend..i dont think i deserve that title from you if thats the way you think i act..thanks a lot pardz..thanks.. "

this was the message that was sent to me in reaction to the last entry i placed in this journal...entitled "bakit ganun ang iba?"

I sent a reply to this message and basically all i said was...

"If you think very little of me then what i wrote shouldn't bother you should it?...

...Look, i don't have to feel guilty or explain anything. What I wrote are my personal feelings and thoughts. So just deal with it...you don't like it don't read it. Simple as that!!!..."

a song I made for the lalans... ;-)

2005-09-03T16:34:00.000+08:00

"We Don’t Have To Say Goodbye"

Stanza 1:
We don’t have to say goodbye
Because even though we try
This loneliness would never ever leave
Do we have to break away
And go on our separate ways
Can’t we escape it, do we have to say

Chorus:
Goodbye, goodbye is the hardest thing to say
‘Coz we have come a long long way
It’s really hard to let go of our memories
Goodbye, even though we’re going to part
You will always be in my heart
A part of me won’t ever have to say goodbye

Stanza 2:
Every end has a brand new dawn
And life would still go on
Along the way I will think of your smile
Everyday was just the same
‘Til the moment that you came
You brought the sunshine into my life

(repeat Chorus)

Bridge:
Our smiles are now beginning to fade
But look at all the moments we’ve made
Even if we cry a thousand tears
Nothing will ever replace those years
We really don’t have to say

(repeat Chorus except ‘goodbye’)

(repeat Chorus)

Coda:
Whenever you need me, just look back
I have always stayed

bakit ganun ang iba?

2005-08-24T18:38:00.000+08:00

bakit ganun ang iba?
they have the guts to treat you like crap tapos they're the one who treats you like nothing happened. the thruth is...i have this bestfriend who's in a crisis right now. this is really testing her own strength aas well as the strength of her "personal" relationships (if you get what i mean...) i had just found about the crisis through another friend and being the good guy that i am i kept my mouth shut. i was later surprised when this bestfriend of mine started texting me looking for some conversation being that she was stuck in a party and she didn't even know half the people there. so, we started talking and when i asked her how she was (and i was expecting her to lie by the way...) she said that everything's fine and that everything was ok. personally, i don't like it when people put on a mask to hide what they trully feel inside so naturally i told her that i know about her crisis and that a common friend of ours told me about it. she asked me why i didn't say it earlier to save her from being formal and pretending everythings ok. so ithought to myself that it was a good thing i told her and being that we are bestfriends i tried giving her advice and comforting her through it. all through out this conversation she was texting the boyfriend of the coomon friend who told me about the crisis. this common friend of ours then texted me and asked if we could talk. i called this friend up thinking that it was an emergency. which i found out to be false...you see the implication that this common friend of mine had was that i spreading gossip about the crisis. that i was telling my bestfriend all sorts of things which were not true. naturally i got frustrated. i felt betrayed. this came a person who told me that i knew her better than anyone...even her family and for to think and say to our friends this bullshit is really fucked up. this just proves to me that people...even the ones you think you know can still surprise you.

Je T'aime Au Revoir

2005-08-09T13:23:00.000+08:00

I Love You Goodbye
Written By: D. Warren

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you

But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand
I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart
I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that
I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me

Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh, I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye