My heart's gonna die anytime soon...

i don't know now..

i really don't know what to do with my life now, really.. i'm so tired of living this unjust life..

it's kinda unusual for this to happen, not knowing what to do with life.. because i always plan things, and that includes my future..

but not this time..

life is f***ing unfair, really.. i know i sound so cynical.. well, you just need a slap or two in the face to realize that it is true..

life is so full of bull.. fortunately, we invented the word "happiness" that embodies everything that's opposite "misery", which envelopes our destiny as humans..

and this day is like bi-polar day.. at start, i was experiencing happiness according to my context of the word.. but now, i am so desolate that i'm wishing that i was not even born at all..

everybody may look at me as the most shitty person Someone up there ever created.. but sometimes, i just think i am misunderstood..

yeah i know, you've heard of this shit a couple of times before.. well, the same shit happens to me everytime.. i'm not to blame..

actually, it almost happens to me every single damn day of my life.. and the issue is with my mom..

yes, blame me for being the worst son ever.. but i blame you for having the mistake of killing my soul with that..

there are tons of things i would like to share about my relationship with my mom.. actually, i already did share some of them in my previous entries.. but of course, some are better kept and discussed with people you are intimate with, like your barkada, your best buds, or yourself via blog..

i know it's kinda rude, but i will cut this entry short with some thoughts..

1) one should never underestimate the experiences another has undergone or is undergoing.. gravity works in different ways.. (go figure..)

2) one should never divert his negative feelings for a thing or memory toward another..

3) things are not always meant to be talked about..

4) be sensitive enough to be patient toward some people who, by nature, just don't like being told what to do, especially the little things that don't matter to that person..

5) it is true that everybody has a bad past, but reflect once in a while if that past is projected thru your present actions.. it sometimes hurts the people around you..

6) things you do to other people are not always applicable to other people..

7) OPEN YOUR MIND.. DO NOT BE HARD-HEADED.. LISTEN TO PEOPLE WITH YOUR EARS AND YOUR HEART..

i may not know now what to do with myself anymore for having a bad relationship with my mother..

but two things are for sure..

that we are both wrong..

and that my heart's gonna die anytime soon..

i don't know, maybe with lack of blood, lack of oxygen, lack of warmth, lack of answers, lack of justice, lack of understanding, lack of.. everything, perhaps.. or simply put, for having nothing at all..

who knows where will my mother and me be after i post this entry.. well, only that Someone up there knows for sure..

what i know is that talking to this inanimate friend in front of me won't give my heart CPR when it finally dies..

*lubdub*