A decade of solitude...

tonight, a realization dawned on me...

a realization that created a weird but vivid concoction of feelings in my soul...

i am alone...

you might not agree with me... you might say that i feel self-pity... that i am saying some bull sh*t again... that i am exaggerating or whatever...

but this time, i agree with myself... i agree with the fingers that typed these lonely, desolate words that were generated by my sagging brain... i agree with the muscles in my face, contracting and wrinkling... i agree with the rainy weather... i agree with the moonless sky... i agree with the empty computer cafe... i agree with the deafening silence... i agree with myself...

i am alone... i'm a loner... i'm an island inside an island... or rather an archipelago... not that i have schizophrenia, but i do think so... i'm a person with a destiny that whatever i do i will be the same thing every single day of the rest of my life, feeling the same thing, experiencing the same thing, thinking the same thing, writing the same thing, expressing the same thing: solitude...

you people, especially my dear friends, my barkada, my family, might react to these gloomy, intricate words violently... but this is what i feel... and believe it or not, i have been feeling this for the past decade... seriously... no bull... for 10 years, people, 10 years of oppression, insults, criticism, confusion, tears, despondency, and everything else in between...

this is quite surprising for you, my dear reader, right?

but this is true... i have been misunderstood, overlooked, and maltreated for 10 years (no malice, people)... by my family, friends, by people who knew me and saw me but only saw my facade and not my soul...

{ for those who don't know they have hurt me in a way or in ways, who are constantly hurting me, and, well, those who will hurt me or at least plan to hurt me: you don't know the real me... you just know a part of me... you don't know the whole me... you don't know the truth about me... you think so superficially that you judge me in the wrong manner with the wrong basis and the wrong standards... you are so ignorant and neglectful and insensitive of other's feelings... you do not have the right to oppress me because you did not create me, and i will not let you destroy me... i do not love you and i do not need you... if i do love you, please change (if you still want me to love you)... just accept me the way i am... respect me for who i am... love me for who i am... and if this does not seep into your morals, fine... Bahala na si God sa iyo... }

anyways...

this realization, that i am a loner, is partially untrue...

hahaha... i just contradicted myself... ;-)

anyways... moving on...

as i have said, it is partially untrue because i do have friends who really love me and like me for who i am, and my family loves me more than they love their selves...

but here i am, far from my friends and family who love me...

here in this place, i only have people who treat me as a friend... nobody loves me here... i don't have much friends either... i am always alone with myself... doing things alone... doing things that are normally done with friends... i am also surrounded by "plastic" people... my friends here do not care much about me... my friends here have their own friends, which they prioritize more than me... i am the one who is least prioritized...

solitude... a decade of solitude...

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