It's about time!!!!!

yes..

ladies and gentle people (of all sexual preferences)..

due to intrapersonal demand..

i have decided that..

it's about time for me to..

*drumroll please*

post a new entry..

egad! a new entry? *gossip gossip*

yep, a NEW entry.. emphasis on the N, the E, and the W..

emphasis amplified by the date of my last entry..

it has been, seriously, decades since i last poured my demented soul into this cyber chunk of my concept of self, as vividly shown through the gray threads of my deteriorating brain.. and i noticed the pulsating glow of molds whenever i click links..

okay, enough of the welcome remarks.. let's get to business..

egad! he skipped the welcome remarks? he already wants to get to "business"? *gossip gossip*

damn, i hate this laptop.. the marks on the keys don't match its outputs..

ahem.. yes, i wanna get down to business already.. i had enough of the chit-chat..

*preventing self from segue*

whew! what a struggle! ahem ahem..

there are a lot of things that override my consciousness once in a while..

like my problems with my family.. with philippine politics.. with my love life, in general.. with my so-called friends.. with my self, et al..

i'll tackle them one by one, shall i?

nah.. forever's not enough (eliminate sarah geronimo from your stream of consciousness as of the moment, please) for me to (no, not 'love you'!) disclose all of those things.. and besides, its wills hurts, you knows.. i'd rather leave it inside me and let it devour my sanity and destroy my stability from the inside..

so what's the sense of creating this blog entry?

well, i guess it doesn't have to explain its existence to anyone.. it just stands in solitude (not that it knows it does) in cyberspace.. it serves as my portal to the immaterial buffer of all the loneliness and negativity and imperfection in the world..

just like any other blog entry..

that reminded me of a verse from a song by john mayer..

i'm dizzy from the shopping mall, i searched for joy but i bought it all, it doesn't help the hunger pain and a thirst i'd have to drown first to ever satiate..

like i said, there are tons of things that bother my thinking every single day.. problems, imbalance, injustice, lots and lots of things really.. it's the result of the 24/7 activity of my brain, always analyzing things.. tsk.. but don't think that i'm also minding the problems of the rest of the mourning world.. those things that i mentioned are my own personal problems.. problems that i have kept so long inside my fist-sized heart.. and yet, i still have no plans of divulging any of those abyss-deep problems.. i don't know, and i don't even understand, i can't organize everything in my head, they're too much.. and i know not even professionals could..

amid all of these chaotic stuff that rumble inside my head, what makes me happy? tsk.. that word.. so vague.. so absurd.. friends, music, games, movies, television, they're just temporary relief.. wikipedia.org defines happiness as an emotional or affective state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction.. well, i've had that a million times.. but it never lasted..

and what would the definiton have in effect? it's just a definition.. for the sake of having a basis, a point of reference..

the world may try to define everything, but we always have a choice whether to put up with those definitions or create our own and defy the world..

and because we are damn humans, we will always search for the things that we do not have.. a never-ending search for happiness.. a never-ending search for solutions to problems that will inevitably result to more problems..

ergo, life is sad, so complicated.. but its really up to us to make ourselves experience our self-defined happiness and satisfaction and fulfillment..

another verse from the same song by john mayer..

i can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design, i wish there was an over the counter test for loneliness, for loneliness like this..

*sigh* i wish these things that i type could convey what really is inside my head.. so problematic.. so chaotic, difficult to decipher, i know.. i wish that these could make everyone understand who i am, what i think, what i am capable of, why i am like this, everything that encompass my concept of "self"..

and like the search for happiness, this entry could go on and on without end.. i have opened a lot of matters, inspired a lot of questions, induced a lot of arguments, but i choose to end it.. (you must be getting tired at this point..)

like i choose to end my attachment to social constructions.. i choose to think for myself.. i choose to go on with life even if despair keeps on dragging me to its deep trench.. i choose to continue on searching for meanings, for justice, for that small speck of light among the darkness that envelopes my consciousness..

starkness may cover my eyes with black shroud, but i will always be eager to see what i should see, what i want to see, what i need to see..

my self may forever hide in the shadows, but it will always surface as substantial, and very much human..