Gazeebo De Lala: October 2005

Kuya Pardz / Kaloy / Mama Mich / Chai / Jichael / Aleli / Cass / Colleen / Jane / Mark / Keisha / Kim / Kris / Anakat / Maryel


Lalans by heart, Bedans by blood

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Whoa... the DEVIL'S HOUR

I woke up at 2:58 am today.

I was awakened by my brother's text message.... Another of those silly friendship quotes.

What struck me is the time.

I recently bought Haunted Philippines and True Philippine Ghost stories books and I guess I read somewhere mentioning that 3:00 am was the devil's hour...That people usually have a hard time going back to seep at that time.

Two more minutes and it'll be 3:00 am!

But wait there's more.

There were three more messages on my phone... From one of my VIPs.

I can't describe how I felt.

But I swear I cried.

I didn't know why. I found myself talking to God again. Suddenly. Most sincerely, after a long time. I was guilty that I only come to Him when I am troubled. When I am depressed. I usually forget him in my happinness. In my comfort. And I regret that.

So, I was actually crying about someone telling me off about how I have not guarded my actions and emotions. Well that wasn't exactly it. But that is how I perceived it...

I cried, because I knew he was right. I cried, because what he was asking from me was my former attitude on life.(Which he actually changed) -and now he's telling me that I should stick to that. I cried, because I was damned so afraid of what could happen next. I don't want a complete change... I'm afraid to lose my VIP's. Especially someone who cared for me a lot - someone whom I really loved. HIM actually. It really freaked me out. I'm a totally pessimistic paranoid fool who can mock myself and blow my brain out by just thinking of how disastrous certain things can affect my life. Well, the point is that I cried.

I have to ask forgiveness, from so many people.

They're all actually my VIP's and I really owe all of them a lot.

It's just that I wouldn't learn my lesson until somebody would hit me hard in the head.

And somebody did hit me not only in the head, but also straight in the heart. I found myself at the break of dawn actually crying. Twisting and turning in bed. Praying hard. Breathing hard. My chest like hell. Maybe I'm just too emotional when thinking during that time of the morning. It's pretty weird, but I was suddenly enlightened. I found out the answer to why I had loved somebody so much. Perhaps I suddenly touched my subconcious and that gave me just the answer.It made me cry much more... But I still prayed. Did some bargaining with God, which I always do in times of pain. I decided to send a message. It was actually a 27 part message. I understood in a way, and felt that I have to accept it. I know a lot of things were my fault... I said what I felt. Sent the text message before I could change my mind. Felt a little better. Thanked God and fell back to sleep at around 5:30 am...

Now I wonder If the 3:00 am-so-called-Devil's-hour was the reason for my sleepless night. (Morning maybe?) Anyway. I still cling to the promise that nothing will change between us.
And I really hope so.
I really do.

_FELLOW LALANS, IT'S THE FIRST TIME I POSTED SOMETHING VERY PERSONAL HERE. YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ALL MY VIP's. I SINCERELY REGRET NEGLECTING MOST, IF NOT ALL OF YOU. I'M TRULY SORRY... I KNOW I HAVE ACTED OUT OF MYSELF SOMETIMES... BUT MAYBE EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE UNDERSTOOD TOO... I'M TRULY GRATEFUL FOR HAVING ALL OF YOU AS MY FRIENDS... LET ME MAKE IT UP TO ALL OF YOU ONE DAY... OR MAYBE IF SOME OF YOU NEED SOME EXPLANATIONS... JUST TELL ME... I'LL TRY. OK? I LOVE YOU ALL... AND SHABU IS OUR TERM FOR IT, ISN'T IT? SHABU..._

Saturday, October 22, 2005

closure??

yesterday i went with my friends and got to hang out and spend time with them. of course, there was the time to talk about my personal life concerning my past. i know i'm not supposed to still be talking about it. but i just can't help it. he can't let me go. why?

he has a new life and everything. i have my own life as well. why can't he just return my book and we both will move with our different lives? i just don't get it. there are still alot of things i don't understand. a lot of questions i want to ask. but i will never get the answers. not that i don't want to know what they are but there just is no way for me to find out about it.

maybe i still do have feelings for him. but that doesn't mean i want to get back with him or anything. all i want is for me to live my life without having to think of how to get my book back from him. that book is the only thing that's connecting me to him. aside from our common friends. and our past.

one more thing, why does he make a big deal out of everything? uptil now. no offense to him. but he isn't exactly the person who does what he says. he does the opposite. so does he think ll still believe everything he has said. hay.

all i can do now is want until he returns my book. when? i can never say for sure.closure? maybe he thinks being 'friends' is already his idea of closure. my idea of proper closure is when he returns my book. and we both move with our lives. coz there's nothing more to talk about. it is all over anyway. we are over.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Closure

just recently i had the most intresting experience of my life and im so thankful that it happened. to be honest this happened a couple of weeks ago but the realization of it didn't sink in until today.

i've never had the oppertunity to feel the way im feeling and for once, in a very long time, im happy. im happy something that happened in my life and makes me see the world in a new light. coz for some time i've been feeling that when life throws you a curve ball and you miss it...you're gonna keep on missing it, but i was proven wrong. it is true that i still feel like im missing the balls but after what today it makes me feel that i can still make it.

the girl who occupied a great space of my heart has found her happiness at last and i couldn't be more happier for her. it is true that she didn't find it with me but nonetheless i know that she made the right choice. in my heart i know that this was meant to be and that this what our Superfriend wanted. im also very thankful for the fact that even after everything that happened between us, the joys,pains and so much more we kept our friendship alive and that is something i would cherish for all my life.

she saw something in me that i didn't want to see for myself...

she taught me just to be myself...

she made me want to change for the better...

i don't know what i would do if i haven't met and fell in love with this woman coz i know that life won't be the same without her in it.

we put the period in our past and now we are ready to start a new friendship.

Monday, October 17, 2005

thoughts of mine

isn't it funny that whenever life gets hard we wish that we could just disappear or go to a place where no one could ever find us or get to leave for a foreign country were no one knows us and basically get a fresh start. in other words whenever life gats tough we wish we could get a fresh start; pretend that nothing happened and start off with a clean slate.

how we wish that life is that simple that whenever we find ourselves facing a problem or trial we could just press the rewind button and start over, but life isn't made up that way. we have to face our problems, we have to face our fears and no matter what we do we can't start off with a clean slate.

i actually find myself wishing that i could do all the things i had just mentioned. i wish i could off to a diffrent country and get a fresh start or even disapper for a couple of days to a place that no one could find me but the thing with that is im just running away from my problems. the fact of the matter is that i know what i have to do but then again i can't seem to do it.
im in that place that i was a few years ago...a place that i actually thought that i would never be back in again but apparently not. im being asked to grow-up more so than my peers and im feeling that it's happenning too fast that im beginning to feel lost. i don't know what to do and where to go. people expect so much from me that i have no room to make mistakes, or even second guess my choices and if i do im they make me feel that im a kid that doesn't know what im doing but what they fail to realize is that i am still just a kid. im still a teenager and that i don't always know what im doing, i can still make mistakes and second guess myself.

most of the people who know me would tell you that im like a "kuya" (that's why i got the nickname kuya pardz) or that im very responsible. they might say that im a "fashionista" or that im great dancer or that i give great advice but the thing is they just see the surface. that is just part of who i am but beneath that there's the insecurity, the fear and a whole lot of things that they don't see. i come off as someone whose sure of himself and confident but if they only knew that it was the complete opposite.