Whoa... the DEVIL'S HOUR

I woke up at 2:58 am today.

I was awakened by my brother's text message.... Another of those silly friendship quotes.

What struck me is the time.

I recently bought Haunted Philippines and True Philippine Ghost stories books and I guess I read somewhere mentioning that 3:00 am was the devil's hour...That people usually have a hard time going back to seep at that time.

Two more minutes and it'll be 3:00 am!

But wait there's more.

There were three more messages on my phone... From one of my VIPs.

I can't describe how I felt.

But I swear I cried.

I didn't know why. I found myself talking to God again. Suddenly. Most sincerely, after a long time. I was guilty that I only come to Him when I am troubled. When I am depressed. I usually forget him in my happinness. In my comfort. And I regret that.

So, I was actually crying about someone telling me off about how I have not guarded my actions and emotions. Well that wasn't exactly it. But that is how I perceived it...

I cried, because I knew he was right. I cried, because what he was asking from me was my former attitude on life.(Which he actually changed) -and now he's telling me that I should stick to that. I cried, because I was damned so afraid of what could happen next. I don't want a complete change... I'm afraid to lose my VIP's. Especially someone who cared for me a lot - someone whom I really loved. HIM actually. It really freaked me out. I'm a totally pessimistic paranoid fool who can mock myself and blow my brain out by just thinking of how disastrous certain things can affect my life. Well, the point is that I cried.

I have to ask forgiveness, from so many people.

They're all actually my VIP's and I really owe all of them a lot.

It's just that I wouldn't learn my lesson until somebody would hit me hard in the head.

And somebody did hit me not only in the head, but also straight in the heart. I found myself at the break of dawn actually crying. Twisting and turning in bed. Praying hard. Breathing hard. My chest like hell. Maybe I'm just too emotional when thinking during that time of the morning. It's pretty weird, but I was suddenly enlightened. I found out the answer to why I had loved somebody so much. Perhaps I suddenly touched my subconcious and that gave me just the answer.It made me cry much more... But I still prayed. Did some bargaining with God, which I always do in times of pain. I decided to send a message. It was actually a 27 part message. I understood in a way, and felt that I have to accept it. I know a lot of things were my fault... I said what I felt. Sent the text message before I could change my mind. Felt a little better. Thanked God and fell back to sleep at around 5:30 am...

Now I wonder If the 3:00 am-so-called-Devil's-hour was the reason for my sleepless night. (Morning maybe?) Anyway. I still cling to the promise that nothing will change between us.
And I really hope so.
I really do.

_FELLOW LALANS, IT'S THE FIRST TIME I POSTED SOMETHING VERY PERSONAL HERE. YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ALL MY VIP's. I SINCERELY REGRET NEGLECTING MOST, IF NOT ALL OF YOU. I'M TRULY SORRY... I KNOW I HAVE ACTED OUT OF MYSELF SOMETIMES... BUT MAYBE EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE UNDERSTOOD TOO... I'M TRULY GRATEFUL FOR HAVING ALL OF YOU AS MY FRIENDS... LET ME MAKE IT UP TO ALL OF YOU ONE DAY... OR MAYBE IF SOME OF YOU NEED SOME EXPLANATIONS... JUST TELL ME... I'LL TRY. OK? I LOVE YOU ALL... AND SHABU IS OUR TERM FOR IT, ISN'T IT? SHABU..._

closure??

yesterday i went with my friends and got to hang out and spend time with them. of course, there was the time to talk about my personal life concerning my past. i know i'm not supposed to still be talking about it. but i just can't help it. he can't let me go. why?

he has a new life and everything. i have my own life as well. why can't he just return my book and we both will move with our different lives? i just don't get it. there are still alot of things i don't understand. a lot of questions i want to ask. but i will never get the answers. not that i don't want to know what they are but there just is no way for me to find out about it.

maybe i still do have feelings for him. but that doesn't mean i want to get back with him or anything. all i want is for me to live my life without having to think of how to get my book back from him. that book is the only thing that's connecting me to him. aside from our common friends. and our past.

one more thing, why does he make a big deal out of everything? uptil now. no offense to him. but he isn't exactly the person who does what he says. he does the opposite. so does he think ll still believe everything he has said. hay.

all i can do now is want until he returns my book. when? i can never say for sure.closure? maybe he thinks being 'friends' is already his idea of closure. my idea of proper closure is when he returns my book. and we both move with our lives. coz there's nothing more to talk about. it is all over anyway. we are over.