Gazeebo De Lala: September 2005

Kuya Pardz / Kaloy / Mama Mich / Chai / Jichael / Aleli / Cass / Colleen / Jane / Mark / Keisha / Kim / Kris / Anakat / Maryel


Lalans by heart, Bedans by blood

Monday, September 19, 2005

Choco Marble Renaissance... What a coincidence! ;-)

Choco Marble Renaissance Refrigerator Cake... Made up of chocolate, cream, milk, egg, graham crackers, and marshmallows... I made it myself last sunday for my cousin's birthday... Hey, don't be impressed... It was cheese...

Marble... A swirl of chocolate and milk cream...
My life... A concoction of misery and bliss...
Wow... What a coincidence!

You might have read my previous post... You know... The hole thing... Ya... Misery... But during the past few days... Bliss...

Maybe because of the excitement that I'm feeling because my birthday is just around the corner... Oh I know... Because lately, my mother and I have nothing but peace between the both of us... And my father, not a single sermon or yell... No signs of agitation for the past few days... Hurrah! And my brother gave his gift for my birthday early... Some sort of a mini flash light... So compact yet so bright! And my sister... Helped me make the cake I mentioned... We had fun really...

That's why I'm very happy... And it is gradually covering up the make up that I wore when I was despondent... And now that I am apart from my friends, my lalans, they are the ones who are giving me love, and at the same time, reason to laugh at my dilemmas...

Family first... Ya... That's my promise to myself and to my parents... Because it seems that I don't have a choice because my old folks are expecting me not to leave them for someone (like a girlfriend or something like that)...

Haaay... It is very complicated... You see... My siblings have brought problems to our family due to their relationships... Especially my brother... And i witnessed how bad it affected my parents... How relationships with other people can ruin your relationship with your parents... So i became... Ya... Sorry... I became...

A

f

r

a

i

d

of having a relationship... Ya... Sorry... Haha...

But what I am talking about is the real thing... Not fling... Not one night stand (huh? eeww!)... The intimate committed one... Ya... Afraid... Trauma... You might think that I am too stupid to be afraid of it just because of that reason... Well...

They are not the only reasons...

There are some things that I would rather talk about with my friends than post here... Sorry... Ya...

A

f

r

a

i

d

But you know what... This is unexplainable... So weird... I want to have a relationship now... Hahaha!!! I am so weird...

Misery... Bliss...
Love... Trauma...
Joy... Dilemma...

Choco Marble Renaissance... What a coincidence! ;-)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

he's such a liar! i don't know why. and he always lies to me. me?! of all people he chose me to be the one he would lie to. one thing to say to him: WRONG CHOICE DUDE! 'coz i always would find out about his lies. just the other day, he lied to me. how am i supposed to believe him or even trust him at all if he continues to lie to me??? oh when will he ever stop?

i just don't understand. he's the one who's telling me to be honest and open to him. yet he's the one who's not honest or open. i don't know why i care or bother so much. it's just irritating. so annoying.

he's such a big fat LIAR. i want to shout at him, hit him or something just to get this all out. what does he think? that i'm dumb or something. ha? i'm not stupid like him. no way.

is this what he calls ' friends' or 'friendships'?? think again.

there's one thing i want to say to him. 'look. you're the reason i want to leave so badly that i may one day forget you and all the memories of us. hopefully when i come back, we can be friends. real friends. and hopefully you have outgrown your attitude towards me and all you lies. i'll be praying for that miracle.'

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Para sa lahat ng nalulumbay...

Hay...
Mga Friends...
Bakit ang daming sad? (Pati ako...)
Alam nyo, ayos lang yan...
Ganyan talaga ang buhay...
minsan ganito...
minsan ganun...
(Helpful ba itech?)
Oi pasensya sa informal na writing ha....)

Isipin nyo na lang...


Meron pa!


(Hehe nanggugulo ba ko??)
Commercial?

anyways

Kasi
Basta
isipin nyo 10 years from now
hindi nyo na poproblemahin yan
by that time
iba na ang ginagawa nyo...
lahat tayo (or at least some) stressed out ngayon...
Pero wag kayo mag-alala!
Lilipas din yan
promise
isipin nyo na lang yung mga problems nyo dati
diba wala na?
yung ngayon, mawawala din...
at sa future, dadating din yun
pero wag nyo na munang isipin yan!
Kasi...
umm...
hindi naman kayo iniisip ng mga problems eh!!
Hahaha
pasensya na
trying hard ako mag-advice...
O well
Saka
yung mga namomroblema sa grades
ayos lang yan
kahit ako rin e... ngayon... tsk tsk
hahaha
basta
love tayo ni Super friend!
Kaya natin yan

At itatanong natin...
kung love nga tayo ni Lord bakit hindi pa nya tayo kunin?
Kasi...
Marami pang reasons
may plan
hindi lang natin alam
pero meron yun
saka marami ka pang dapat gawin...
Kasi pag kinuha ka na, heller, baka wala ka namang maishare sa heaven sa eternal stay mo dun kasama yung mga pipol dun no.

Hahaha
Pasensya na
Basta...
kaya natin yan

ok?

Ingatz...

Shaboo..

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

a big whole in me right now...

hindi ko talaga alam kung ano na ang nagyayari sa akin ngayon...
feeling ko may malaking butas sa katawan ko...
i really feel like there's something missing in my life...
ya...
i know...
i'm single...
pero darating din tayo diyan... not now 'no...
i have been feeling empty since i moved here in los baños sa piling ng mga puno ni maria makiling dito sa UP...
sobrang bumaba na ang mga dati'y matatayog na grades ko...
i can't speak up sa mga recitations...
i don't have a permanent group of friends...
feeling ko tuloy loser ako...
di tulad ng dati...
napapalibutan ako ng mga nagmamahal sa akin...
ganito nga ba talaga?
freshman=despondency?
kasi naman eh...
it's like the world's on top of my head...
i feel so empty...
sobra ang nostalgia ko...
sobra ang home sickness ko...
gusto kong ibalik ang nakaraan noong maayos pa ang lahat sa buhay ko...
naguguluhan ako...
still...
on identity crisis...
pero kahit papaano i see now a light...
but it isn't shining that brightly...
malabo nga eh...
i don't know kung ano na ang gagawin ko...
as of the moment i am aimless...
pointless...
purposeless...
naku, pessimism...
pero still, eto ang nararamdaman ko...
kaya nga blog eh...
isinusuko ko na ang lahat sa Panginoon...
sana kuhain na niya ako...
gusto kong malaman ang mga kasagutan sa tanong ko...
gusto ko nang maramdaman ang wagas na pagmamahal Niya...
pero marami ang iiyak... wag muna...
hahaha...
see?
i am confused...
very...
nakaka-depress naman... ano ba yan...
tulungan niyo ako...
kung sino man ang nagbabasa nito, help me...
sana mapabuti na ang lagay ng buhay ko...
everything in my mind is mixed up...
wala na akong alam na alam kong tama at nararapat...
lahat ng alam ko, di ko alam ang patutunguhan...
teka, bakit naman ako nagkakaganito?
ah...
kasi...
ewan...
hahaha...
i'm sh*t...
puro na lang ako sana... sana... sana...
sana malaman ko na kung sino ang makakasama ko forever...
sana malaman ko na ang estado ng buhay ko in the future...
sana makita ko na si God... i'm longing for him...
sana matagpuan ko na ang purpose ng buhay ko...
sana...
sana...
sana...
so empty...
i'm wilting...
i'm withering...
wala na...
ano ba tong nangyayari sa akin...
sa mga makakabasa nito, pasensya na ha...
don't worry, i won't do anything stupid...
di ako tanga no...
i love life...
pero...
still...
empty...
a big whole in me right now...
no more winks...

hay...

hay...
this term is such a understatement for me and how i feel...
it can not fully express the feelings that are inside me...
there is so much going on in my life...
choices to make...
trials to face...
and somehow...
it takes alot out of me...
i used to be able to do this...
not sweating the small stuff...
but when you know...
that the future is affected...
by the choices you make right now...
you can't just sweat the small stuff...
so much is at stake...
and everything...
rests on me...
and my choices...
its a tough responsibility...
that i alone must carry...
no one can help me...
no one...

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

english+logic= doubtfully not observable.

and i'm back.

all thanks to the revolutionary caffine drink that made me feel like there's no such thing as day and night. first time?
first time to see the stars and the list of the chemical components of a plant before me?
heck, no.
first time to see the sunrise and being nauseating at the same time?
yeah.

good thing my body tells me that they're still up and running for the midterms. result?
stay tuned.
this just in, im exempted in logic for the finals. *laughs* yeah, me. in logic.

and mind you, it's really eye-popping when you just know minutes away from your exam that your exam in english is 100--not 101. i mean, why do i have to have 2 english subjects?

to be globally competitive, of course.
yeah. yeah right.

seriously, i'd rather memorize all the bones of the skeletal system than memorizing the subject-verb agreement.
no wait, i resent that.
*laughs* not.

this just in, the world's turned upside down. it actually and finally did. and hey, i'd rather be happy now okay? im living a great life right now so please do the same for me, okay? please smile. just smile or else i'd be the first to slap you with a frog. or maybe a chicken. or maybe a cow.if i could just ask help from *snorts* oh gee whatdya look at the time.

so there.
oh and for the record, i am still very responsive from butterflies. in a bad way that is.
and from that narrow-minded, self-centered, grade-conscious person. ha, you'll never know. just guess from those 47 students. (sadly and surprisingly im one of them. hey, shut your mouth.)

with love,
the cram queen.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A poem to all my fellow Filipinos...

REGALO

Parang mga batang binigyan ng dalawang piso
Ang mga taong ibinenta ang ating mga boto
Ipinagbili ang ating kaluluwa sa kung sino
Kapalit ang kinabukasang ‘di makita kundi anino
Kinang ng barya sa kanila’y abot langit
Kasalana’y itinatago sa kanilang mga singit
Boses ng sambayana’y ‘di dinidinig
Masilayan lang ang regalo’y biglang tindig
Hindi na malaman kung ano ang totoo
Dahil ang mga bata’y sadyang nagpauto
Sa mumunting regalong handog ng mga timang
Sa kanilang pagtahimik, demonyo’y magaabang

Touchy...touchy!!!

"i read your blog..all i can say is "wow!" i never thought you could say somethin like that..you were expecting me to lie?!?!first of all..the reason i texted you was bec. i missed talkin to you coz apparently now your college and so far away.. i think thats pretty obvious..just becoz i dont text you that often anymore doesnt mean iv forgotten abwt you and when i text, it doesnt mean that im lookin for someone to rant out my problems to! besides, you of all people should know me better..i dont run to people if i hav a problem, i run to God for that..i ran to you coz i was wonderin how you were doin and if you were ayt..another thing is..i just mentioned to pao that kat told you bout lej and thats all..i didnt even know what hapened after that coz he didnt reply anymor..next thing, i wish you couldv told me..of all the people i believe in and trust most..how was i supposed to know?diba? if thats what you think about the times i text you nowadays, all i can say is, i thought you knew me better to think that..i guess i was wrong to think that then..if you felt like i was treatin you like crap tell me!!coz you have no idea what worse crap im goin through other than whats happenin to lej..you said yourself, you dont like it when people put on a mask to hide what their feeling..so why did you hide this from me?and you call me a bestfriend..i dont think i deserve that title from you if thats the way you think i act..thanks a lot pardz..thanks.. "

this was the message that was sent to me in reaction to the last entry i placed in this journal...entitled "bakit ganun ang iba?"

I sent a reply to this message and basically all i said was...

"If you think very little of me then what i wrote shouldn't bother you should it?...

...Look, i don't have to feel guilty or explain anything. What I wrote are my personal feelings and thoughts. So just deal with it...you don't like it don't read it. Simple as that!!!..."

Saturday, September 03, 2005

a song I made for the lalans... ;-)

"We Don’t Have To Say Goodbye"

Stanza 1:
We don’t have to say goodbye
Because even though we try
This loneliness would never ever leave
Do we have to break away
And go on our separate ways
Can’t we escape it, do we have to say

Chorus:
Goodbye, goodbye is the hardest thing to say
‘Coz we have come a long long way
It’s really hard to let go of our memories
Goodbye, even though we’re going to part
You will always be in my heart
A part of me won’t ever have to say goodbye

Stanza 2:
Every end has a brand new dawn
And life would still go on
Along the way I will think of your smile
Everyday was just the same
‘Til the moment that you came
You brought the sunshine into my life

(repeat Chorus)

Bridge:
Our smiles are now beginning to fade
But look at all the moments we’ve made
Even if we cry a thousand tears
Nothing will ever replace those years
We really don’t have to say

(repeat Chorus except ‘goodbye’)

(repeat Chorus)

Coda:
Whenever you need me, just look back
I have always stayed