Gazeebo De Lala: December 2005

Kuya Pardz / Kaloy / Mama Mich / Chai / Jichael / Aleli / Cass / Colleen / Jane / Mark / Keisha / Kim / Kris / Anakat / Maryel


Lalans by heart, Bedans by blood

Saturday, December 17, 2005

In my life...

alot has happened in the past couple of weeks that i don't know exactly where to begin with this entry. bear with me if the sequence of events are not as organized as i had hoped.

1. My Life...
my life has been very crazy the past few weeks with change around every corner. one, i've always been open with my current academic situiation those of you who know me can atest to this but now this have taken a turn hopefully not for the worst. i had just found out the results of my effort to switch schools but lets just say that the result was not what i expected. i was wait-listed mainly because of the fact that im still currently attending school and the condition for my admission is a copy of my transcript to be evaluated to know if im at par with the level o excellence they are know for but unfrotunatly since they gave me my results a few days later than expected i can not give them what they require and i have no choice but to wait the school year out and apply again for the next term. i was completly disappointed. i was hoping to get out of my current rat hole that i didn't prepare myself for the outcome. though it is hard for me to accept i know that there must be a reason behind this. like what i always say "everything happens for a reason..." the Lord has something else planned for me that's why i got the results i got. i will not allow this to deter me from my goal of getting out but rather makes me want persue it more. i know that the road is gonna be long and hard but i know that i can make it through no matter what.

2. Love life...
my love life is still pretty much the same. like what i said before in another entry in this blog 've made peace with her and i can honestly say that i am happy for her and the way her life is going. someone asked me what was it that made me treat her the way i did. back then i wouldn't have given you an answer but now (with the help of my best friend) i know why i did what i did. it was simplely because she knew me. the real me. the part of me that very few people get to see. she got to see the real me that i freaked out and pushed her away. i know now that what i did was wrong and i know i can't take it back but i know that i can build a better future. she will always be the love of my life and that will never change.

to this person, you know who you are. if you happen to read this i just want you to know that i will always be thankful to the Lord for bringing you to my life and for teaching me that there is more to me than what i thought. you taught me to be true to myself and i will never forget it. i want you to always remember that im here for you no matter what. i love you and miss you. take care always and God bless!!!

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Ako rin!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.



Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a multi dimensional wonderland, with many layers.
You're the type that always has multiple streams of though going.
And you can keep these thoughts going at any time.
You're very likely to be engaged in deep thought - and deep conversation.



Your Hidden Talent

You have the power to persuade and influence others.
You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.
The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.
Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!


Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest:

You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.

At Your Lowest:

You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.

In Love:

You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.

How You're Attractive:

Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.

Your Eternal Question:

"What else do I need in my life?"



Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.
Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.
You cherish all of the details in life.
Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.



You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?




Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.


You Are a Rose

You are a total alpha female who tends to be a leader.
Your friends depend on you to hold things together and make decisions.
Men are drawn to your feminine powers and strength.
While you are the center of attention, you are secretly introverted and a bit shy.



Your Personality Profile

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.

You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.
A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

Ahh... Life continues Rolling. We're here.

From now on, I'm smiling.

"Life" is so beautiful...
Why ruin it's wonderful color by crying for "ugly" things...

Some truths reveal themselves...

Even if they can be so nasty, it's worth considering. My mind's working and I'm not going to be fooled again by some ugly creature that tries to take over my life...

The only thing that can make me sad now is the death of my dog, Shinji.

May that dog rest in peace. And with that, I symbolically bury all my feelings: hurt, anger, fear, bitterness.

Don't be sad because I have moved on. I'm not being sarcastic here.

No one will bring me down.

I'm not allowing anybody anymore.

I'm contented with my life.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

I can still love.

I still love everybody, like I always do.

I won't be bitter anymore.
It's only for losers.

Thank God I've come back to myself.

I'm not saying that I didn't love at all.
I'm not saying that I didn't feel loss.
Actually I really was sad.

Even devastated perhaps.

I was grieving for the loss of a great love.
And that great love was what I have GIVEN.

Received? I don't know... I hope.

The only thing that was worth crying for was the lost effort, energy, time, dreams perhaps.

Well, the truth is it's not actually a loss.

I've had experiences.

Plenty of wonderful ones.

But more nasty ones.

I've learned many lessons. (From myself actually.)

But finally it's through.

I'm not saying that I don't cry at night anymore.

But I'm not pitying myself anymore.


Never.


I guess it's time to defend myself.
And I mean my real self.

I've accepted this diverse self of mine. The weeping child, the fighting girl, the proud person, the loyal friend, the loving martyr, the weakling, the bold, and even the weird woman. Finally, I got them all reconciled.

Special thanks to my logical, honest, problem-solving, many-layered mind.

Also I would like to give gratitude to my dearest friends... Lalans... (I read our blog...) Mama mich... Buddy... My best wicked friend Karlo V... My evil but nice step family in UP, my blockmates, and my professors who never fail to keep my head full of things and homework, quizzes and papers to think about.

Most of all, I thank God, the Holy Spirit, St. Benedict, St. Jude, St. Anthony, Mama Mary and Jesus, my Superfriend.

*******

BTW: We are not alone... Being alone is only a state of mind. Everybody is a part of us... So they are always WITH us. Actually, IN us. And, let me not forget this: If we are alone right now, then where is GOD?

Another thing, why would you feel alone? I'm not a wall flower. Friends are not members of the plant Kingdom... Smile!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Love... Misery... Prayers... My stomach tells it all...

thanks to my very dear friend Hanna...

she asked me: "how can you mend a broken heart?"

and in a split of a second, i remembered that it was a song by michael buble and that it is included in his first album... i have a cassette tape of that album... i used to listen to it every night to sing me to sleep, but i do not know where it is now... i hope i still have it in my house's lot... it is very dear to me because i had a lot of trouble the day i bought it... at the end of that day i thought that those troubles were worth having because i bought that tape of michael buble with my own money... i was so proud of myself! hahaha... i really love his music... his voice... aaahh...

anyways...

after i remembered those things in that split of a second (no sh*t), i answered half-unconsciously: "love again"...

then i stopped walking... my friend responded: "oo nga noh... tama ka diyan friend..." she agreed with me... i also agreed with that-part-of-me-who-said-that me... and then guessed who i remembered next...

if you know who you are and if you're reading it right now, well, hello! for those who know they are not the one who i am talking about and who know who i am talking about, thank you for knowing who i am talking about...

L O V E

halt!

love? again?

umm...

anyways...

before those things that i mentioned above happened, Hanna and i were also with Nerley, my other friend... she was so sad... she didn't tell me what was wrong... that's because she also know what's wrong...

weird? nah...

have you ever had that feeling that you were sad because of a reason you cannot comprehend and understand? because of a reason you yourself do not know? see? it is really not that weird... i know you have already experienced that... me too... oh, by the way, my friend Hanna was also sad... i didn't bother asking why because...

because...

because...

my pelvic bone,

kidneys,

urinary bladder,

feet,

and, above all,

my stomach,

hurt that time... i was freakin' crazy trying to think separately about those body parts of mine that were aching...

M I S E R Y

fortunately, Nerley suggested that we go to the chapel and pray... she told me that she always does it whenever she is sad and everything... i thanked her for suggesting it... i really needed it...

early that morning, because of that stupid debate in my Philosophy 1 subject about the existence of God, i got confused and all the things that i believed in got mixed up and entangled with the ones that i learned from the debate...

so i prayed for the happiness of my friends, guidance for me, and a lot more... lots more...

P R A Y E R S

and my stomach survived and lived to tell these all...

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