Gazeebo De Lala: November 2005

Kuya Pardz / Kaloy / Mama Mich / Chai / Jichael / Aleli / Cass / Colleen / Jane / Mark / Keisha / Kim / Kris / Anakat / Maryel

Lalans by heart, Bedans by blood

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Crying a river...

my grandmother just died...

i told you it's gonna get personal...

this year, my family had 2 deaths... one was the father of my mother that happened 5 days before mother's day, and the other one was today, just this afternoon...

my grandmother's son, whom i came from, is, as of this moment, rushing to our house in batangas. he said that he is taking charge of the to-do things for her burial and everything... it is night... and he is driving... i hope he gets to places safe and sound...

my mother too is on her way now... i dont know if anybody else in our family is with her... i hope the same thing...

gosh... my previous entry, the one about solitude is like nothing compared to what i am feeling right now... this one is crushing... i really don't know, i am lost right now... i am drifting in the perpetual clouds of seclusion and despondency... i can't cry in this public computer cafe... later, in my dorm room... i will cry a river...

bear with me... drown if you must... drink from it if u wish... or cry also if you can... basta... the river will not stop from flowing into the sea of the heavens...


Monday, November 21, 2005

A decade of solitude...

tonight, a realization dawned on me...

a realization that created a weird but vivid concoction of feelings in my soul...

i am alone...

you might not agree with me... you might say that i feel self-pity... that i am saying some bull sh*t again... that i am exaggerating or whatever...

but this time, i agree with myself... i agree with the fingers that typed these lonely, desolate words that were generated by my sagging brain... i agree with the muscles in my face, contracting and wrinkling... i agree with the rainy weather... i agree with the moonless sky... i agree with the empty computer cafe... i agree with the deafening silence... i agree with myself...

i am alone... i'm a loner... i'm an island inside an island... or rather an archipelago... not that i have schizophrenia, but i do think so... i'm a person with a destiny that whatever i do i will be the same thing every single day of the rest of my life, feeling the same thing, experiencing the same thing, thinking the same thing, writing the same thing, expressing the same thing: solitude...

you people, especially my dear friends, my barkada, my family, might react to these gloomy, intricate words violently... but this is what i feel... and believe it or not, i have been feeling this for the past decade... seriously... no bull... for 10 years, people, 10 years of oppression, insults, criticism, confusion, tears, despondency, and everything else in between...

this is quite surprising for you, my dear reader, right?

but this is true... i have been misunderstood, overlooked, and maltreated for 10 years (no malice, people)... by my family, friends, by people who knew me and saw me but only saw my facade and not my soul...

{ for those who don't know they have hurt me in a way or in ways, who are constantly hurting me, and, well, those who will hurt me or at least plan to hurt me: you don't know the real me... you just know a part of me... you don't know the whole me... you don't know the truth about me... you think so superficially that you judge me in the wrong manner with the wrong basis and the wrong standards... you are so ignorant and neglectful and insensitive of other's feelings... you do not have the right to oppress me because you did not create me, and i will not let you destroy me... i do not love you and i do not need you... if i do love you, please change (if you still want me to love you)... just accept me the way i am... respect me for who i am... love me for who i am... and if this does not seep into your morals, fine... Bahala na si God sa iyo... }


this realization, that i am a loner, is partially untrue...

hahaha... i just contradicted myself... ;-)

anyways... moving on...

as i have said, it is partially untrue because i do have friends who really love me and like me for who i am, and my family loves me more than they love their selves...

but here i am, far from my friends and family who love me...

here in this place, i only have people who treat me as a friend... nobody loves me here... i don't have much friends either... i am always alone with myself... doing things alone... doing things that are normally done with friends... i am also surrounded by "plastic" people... my friends here do not care much about me... my friends here have their own friends, which they prioritize more than me... i am the one who is least prioritized...

solitude... a decade of solitude...


Renaissance, lalans... ;-)




excuse me!


there will be a major, if not, total change here in my blog... there will be a revolution... this time, my entries will be based more on my experiences... this time, i will update my blog more often... this time, i will write more on the aspect of life itself, rather than plain love... don't worry there would still be lessons, but this time it's more on life and less on love... this time, it's gonna get personal...

i really don't know what came over me tonight... maybe it was the spicy chicken... or maybe the droplets of H2O from the somber sky that touched my soul... or maybe the age-old unfathomable desolation that's slowly surfacing to my eyes... or maybe the withering poet inside me that is craving for a breath of ideas and ingenuity... all i know is that i suddenly had the urge to revise and revolutionize my blog into something more, which other people, superficial or profound, can easily relate to (in contrast to my past entries about love lessons that eventually wilted after some time of commendation)...

now, i will try to appeal more to the people of my century (especially to the ones who kept on trying to find something new in my blog but always failed to do so)... now i am going to tell my story... i will refrain from publishing generalized entries and i will write more on my life story... i will, from now on, present myself barenaked, *ahem* figuratively of course, to my dear readers and let them sink in to my stream of existence...

oh yes... this time, it's gonna get personal... ;-)


New Fears...

like the title says...this entry is about new fears.

you see i just made the choice of transferring to another school after seeing that my current course wasn't really for me. everything's set...i've submitted my application, i just have to submit one last requirement and then im set to take the entrance exam on the 4th of december but then it dawned on me.

what if this doesn't work out again?

what if i give in to fears once again?

did i make the right choice this time?

alot of questions popped into my head and made me feel uneasy that i wasn't able to get some sleep that night. i know that i shouldn't live in what if's and stuff like that but when it comes to my future and what im gonna do with my life i can't help but wonder. i can't help but question, i can't help but fear the unknown.

i dunno what to do...i feel so lost again.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Woohoo!!! Nov. 16! HP4!!! Watch out for me!

Get a load of this! See you this semester at hogwarts! Bwahaha.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

and im back.
all in all, this sem break sucks. yeah, you saw that right. i was about to say 'was bullsh*t' but 'sucks' would be less dramatic and more acceptable to the public.

caution: if you're below the age of a teenager or can't stand reading blog entries with gruesome vocabulary and hatredness, i suggest you click that small 'x' on the upper right of this window right about...NOW.

and back to our show, reality.

how horrific was my sem break? it was so boring and i abstained from technology that i had to force my eyes to read a book. oh let me rephrase. five books. i swear, i need my broken eyeglasses fixed.the book i'm reading right now is quite alright, sophies world...if you know that book and if you're my classmate, you might think, 'man, she still can't get enough of philosophy...' a hangover? maybe. i find it facinating though...the book i read before that will really make you think, 'yup, it's a hangover--with a little bit of desperation...'
so what? the tao of Pooh is really...i have no idea why i survived reading 158 pages of that book but hey! dont fret, i shan't talk to you like im talking to socrates or something...
but of all the books..really...i still cant believe that dumbledore is dead! again, hats off to Rowling. oh, and to Dan Brown. yes, i read Angels and Demons and i tell you, it was truly an unputdownable book.

unputdownable (un`pût 'dõwn áblē) adj. 1. reading such book for more than 24 hours straight 2. reading such book until eyes are merely red and eyebugs are visible syn. (see works of Dan Brown)

* * *

Do you know what i hate about rumors? some of it has a big chance that it is actually the truth. and do you know what i hate about some truths?
they suck real bad. truth hurts.

warning: again, if you are undergaged and not old enough to see horrific and immoral stuff which i am about to type below, i suggest you turn away from the pc or just press ctrl+alt+del twice.

welcome to someone else's college life.
let's just put it this way. i will tell all the rumoric details as straight as possible. this will be my first and last.
what if your friend told you that one of your bestfriends was receiving a blow job from his girlfriend on a school day? round 8 in the morning? in his car perhaps? (excuse me, i have to barf fo a while)

codswallop, right? preposterous? nonsense? impossible?
on to the details: this guy picks up his girl, goes to school, parks in front (take note) in front of the college building and doesn't go out for a long time. one guy noticed and came near the car and saw. a couple having oral sex. gee, how wholesome. (excuse me, i have to barf again)

and mind you, i heard this rumor from not just 1 person.
i've been hearing a lot of different rumors from different people about him and it leads to one main idea--that he's an addict on the process of procreation. im sorry, can't say that one straight.

to believe or not to believe, that is the que--i think i read too much philosophical books.
honestly, im really confused. i dont know on which side to believe in.

now if you're underaged and not old enough to see horrific and immoral stuff which i just wrote above, my apologies. but it's not my fault that your eyes and mouth are wide open right now--told you that wasn't wholesome. screw the guy who had oral sex with his girlfriend.

life 102.5: oh im sorry, no lessons learned from this yet. stay tuned.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Letting Go

To let go doesn't meanb to stop caring, it means i can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I don't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.