Gazeebo De Lala: May 2007

Kuya Pardz / Kaloy / Mama Mich / Chai / Jichael / Aleli / Cass / Colleen / Jane / Mark / Keisha / Kim / Kris / Anakat / Maryel

Lalans by heart, Bedans by blood

Monday, May 28, 2007

How to ruin your day...

step one:

from morning, 'til before lunch time, and ya after lunch, play games on your personal computer with your head a few inches away from the colorful and bright monitor... keep it up 'til right before dinner... but you can also do this alternative if you want your ass to be comfortable: watch television in the living room... you know, the room with the sofa... make sure that your hands are busy holding something... like food... you may take breaks of course, but you have to make them brief, like going to the comfort room to release waste or taking a trip to the fridge to get some more edible things to munch on... (point? headache...)

step two:

buy grilled barbeque at the stand near your house... make sure the whole thing comes with a small plastic bag filled with chilli vinegar (vinegar with siling labuyo, to be specific)... eat your barbeque along with rice, with an amount much greater than what you usually ingest... don't forget to smother your rice and barbeque with the chilli vinegar, like what you do with soups... a glass of sweet fruit juice or milk should be by your side, but a glass of ice cold water will do... oh, and a fan at maximum power right at your face... expect pails of sweat...

step three:

get yelled at by your mom for not being a robot...

step four:

don't take pain relievers...

step five:

go to friendster... go to your friends... find the picture of your ex (or someone you had a romantic relationship with if you were not official)... take a look at that person's profile and pictures... read the shoutout that says: "i'm happy now!"... be envious... send that person a message that says that you are happy that that person is happy (without you)... commend that person's picture... uhm, actually, you should just tell that person whatever you want, but be sure to type this: "i miss you" at the end of the message... then click the link that will send the message... go back to your homepage... look at your picture (without that person)... and then cry...

step six:

still, don't take pain relievers...

step seven:

make a blog entry on how to ruin your day... like this one... duh?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Isang pagbubukas ng damdamin...

May 23, 2007 - Yahoo! Messanger Instant Message

Kaloy: nakakainis talaga
Kaloy: eto ishe-share ko
j: ok
j: ano?
Kaloy: naiinis ako sa mom ko
Kaloy: akala nya kasi lagi syang tama
Kaloy: at kapag sinasagot ko sya
Kaloy: ang naririnig lang nya
Kaloy: boses ko
Kaloy: hindi yung sagot ko
Kaloy: she never listens to what im saying
j: wag mo na awayin
j: respect her
j: she's still ur mom
Kaloy: all that she hears is that im disrespectful
Kaloy: but she doesnt hear what i say
Kaloy: its unfair
Kaloy: i need to voice out
Kaloy: thats what i am
Kaloy: i keep telling myself
Kaloy: sumosobra na ako
Kaloy: ang bastos ko talaga
Kaloy: pero sometimes
Kaloy: i think im the one who is right
Kaloy: because she never listens
Kaloy: she is narrow minded
Kaloy: sobra
j: COT
Kaloy: lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko
Kaloy: i should stop disrespecting her
j: COT
Kaloy: because its wrong
j: COT
Kaloy: ano yan>?
j: change of topic
Kaloy: uhm
Kaloy: hindi ba pwedeng maglabas ako ng sama ng loob?
j: pwede..
j: pero..
j: cge lang..
Kaloy: ano?
j: i'm uncomfortable with the topic
j: it rubs me the wrong way
Kaloy: i really need someone who could just listen
j: ok lang..
Kaloy: because i want it out
j: i'm here
j: listening
Kaloy: kasi
Kaloy: para kasing nagco-contradict ang personality namin ni momy e
Kaloy: hindi kami magkasundo
Kaloy: hindi talaga kami magkasundo
Kaloy: im always hard headed when it comes to her
Kaloy: hot headed din
j: hehe
Kaloy: nagka-clash kami ni momy lagi
Kaloy: i am aware naman
Kaloy: that what she wants is the best
Kaloy: yadi yadi ya
j: it's yada
Kaloy: but shes not always right
j: yada yada
j: hehe
Kaloy: i typed it the way i though of it
j: haha
Kaloy: thought
j: funny
Kaloy: anyways
Kaloy: she is not always right
Kaloy: and she doesnt see it
Kaloy: because she is narrow minded
Kaloy: hay naku
Kaloy: kakain na kami
j: hehe
Kaloy: i will be right back
j: will u be back?
j: ok
Kaloy: yes


Kaloy: pero i think
Kaloy: you know what
Kaloy: she is also poisoning the mind of my dad
j: hehe
Kaloy: kasi my dad doesnt like me talking to the phone, in general
j: it's pathetic.. sorry for the term
Kaloy: tapos my mom would say na its you who im talking to
Kaloy: tapos walang kwenta daw ang pinaguusapan
j: tss
Kaloy: ang pinaguusapan ay ung kung ano ang pinapanood sa tv
j: pssssh
j: psssh
j: tsssssss
Kaloy: tawanan lang ng tawanan daw
Kaloy: armpf
j: hehe
Kaloy: kainis
Kaloy: unreasonable
j: well..
j: to be honest.
Kaloy: matanda na kasi
j: when i look at this situation
j: i always regret that i chose bene
j: to go to highschool
j: i miss my friends back in grade school
j: kahit na di ako ganun ka kilala dun.
j: ???
j: pero..
j: di ko naman kayo makikilala
j: which is far worse
Kaloy: yeah
Kaloy: everything happens for a reason
Kaloy: to be honest
Kaloy: i dont know what will make me and my mom closer
Kaloy: she tried to bribe me with going out to the mall
Kaloy: i mean not really bribe
j: strategy
Kaloy: she tried to get to me by going to the mall
Kaloy: movie
Kaloy: grocery
Kaloy: eat good food
Kaloy: shop for what i want
Kaloy: she tried it
Kaloy: but she just doesnt see that its not what i want
Kaloy: i dont want to be happy by means of material things
j: hehe..
Kaloy: because it would only make me more lonely
j: ok lang yan
Kaloy: it would make me feeel bad about myself
Kaloy: im not into material things
j: hehe
Kaloy: i just want a mom who would listen
j: that's ggod
j: good
Kaloy: a mom that is open
Kaloy: open-minded
Kaloy: a mom that would not always insists what she wants
Kaloy: insist
j: that's ok
Kaloy: un lang talaga
j: ako naman miss ko talaga ung mems nung bata pa ako
j: kasi..
j: nung gradeschool ako..
j: di ko pa nashare
Kaloy: wait lang
Kaloy: di pa ako tapos
Kaloy: hehe
j: ok
Kaloy: di nya ata napapansin
Kaloy: im not talking to her
Kaloy: no really
Kaloy: i dont initiate conversations with her
Kaloy: i dont like to talk to her
Kaloy: kasi it would always turn out na ako ang mali
Kaloy: na may mali ako
Kaloy: na may tama sya
j: aww
j: tsk tsk
Kaloy: i dont like to talk to her talaga
Kaloy: kasi
Kaloy: iinit lang ulo ko
j: onga..
Kaloy: kasi she wouldnt listen naman e
j: lagi sa phone
Kaloy: she would not listen to me
Kaloy: wat u mean>
Kaloy: lagi sa phone?
j: nagaaway kayo
j: walang matinong conversation
Kaloy: she always insists what she wants
Kaloy: she doesnt listen to the message of my words
Kaloy: when i raise my voice
Kaloy: what she knows
Kaloy: it that i raised my voice
Kaloy: she did not hear what i said
Kaloy: gets mo?
j: tr to understand
j: try
Kaloy: i am trying talaga
Kaloy: so hard
j: well
Kaloy: as in
Kaloy: sa isip ko
Kaloy: pinapagalitan ko sarili ko
j: in time
j: everything will fall into place
Kaloy: im asking from God the help
Kaloy: na hindi ako magtaas ng boses
Kaloy: na hindi ko sya mabastos
Kaloy: im asking God to help me
Kaloy: pero nothing happens
j: that's ok
Kaloy: sa hapagkainan
Kaloy: i dont talk to her
Kaloy: when she asks me something
Kaloy: di ko sya sinasagot ng mahusay
Kaloy: grabe
Kaloy: gusto ko talagang umiyak
Kaloy: tapos she tells my dad
Kaloy: lagi ko syang binabastos
Kaloy: eh yun lang ang alam nya
Kaloy: she doesnt figure out what is behind my behavior
Kaloy: sa totoo lang
Kaloy: nasaktan ako
Kaloy: nung lumabas kami sa SM para magpasarap
Kaloy: kasi before nun
Kaloy: away kami
j: ano
Kaloy: tapos nung nagkaron ng days na ok kami
Kaloy: saka nya ako tinreat sa SM
Kaloy: ano yun
Kaloy: material rewards
j: no
Kaloy: i dont need it
Kaloy: ano un>
Kaloy: ?
j: that's the only wa she can show that she's sorry
Kaloy: hindi
Kaloy: wait
Kaloy: eto kasi
Kaloy: after
Kaloy: after nung lumabas kami to S<
Kaloy: SM
Kaloy: away ulit kami
Kaloy: tapos sabi nya
j: bakit?
Kaloy: ano pa ba gusto mo
j: ouch
Kaloy: pinanood na kita ng sine
j: onga noh
Kaloy: pinakain na kita
Kaloy: tapos ganyan ka pa rin
j: parng ang dating sumbat
Kaloy: sabi nya
Kaloy: masakit un sobra
j: why..
Kaloy: parang pinapamukha nya sa akin na hanggang material things lang ako
j: maybe ur mom has no outlet of her deep anger
j: she's sullen
j: alam mo na
Kaloy: whats why i would rather spend most of my day with an inanimate object like the computer, at nalilihis ang isip ko sa mga problema, than to talk to her
Kaloy: para walang away
Kaloy: what u mean sullen?
Kaloy: ?
j: uhh..
j: show irritation
Kaloy: so
Kaloy: what were u trying to say?
Kaloy: hindi no nagets
Kaloy: ko
j: she keeps it inside
j: so..
j: na tratranslate ung anger nya into other stuff
j: such as his relationship to you
j: to the way things are inside the house
j: basically everything
Kaloy: such as pagaayos ng bahay
Kaloy: paglilinis
Kaloy: pagdidilig
j: it may be true
j: yes
Kaloy: wala akong nakikitang efforts from her
j: simple things turn out to be complicated
Kaloy: to get close to me
j: maybe she's overboard
Kaloy: yes lagi lagi nyang pinapalaki ang mga maliliit na bagay
Kaloy: so true
Kaloy: i gues
Kaloy: you have a point
Kaloy: you may be true
Kaloy: eh ano ang galit nya?
j: yeah
Kaloy: hindi ko alam kung san galing ang galit nya
j: that's the question
j: maybe she realized something true
j: and it really bruised her
j: i'm no saying that she does...
j: pero baka.. meron din syang angry girl disease
j: alam mo un?
j: hehe
j: funny
Kaloy: no
j: meron din sa lalaki nun eh
j: di ko alam tawag
Kaloy: tsaka to be honest
j: rage something ata
Kaloy: kaya din ganito ang pagiisip ko
Kaloy: kasi hangang ngayon
Kaloy: traumatized pa rin ako
Kaloy: sa nangyari sa summer job ko
Kaloy: last year
Kaloy: remember?
j: huh?
Kaloy: yung narinig ko yung phone call ng drunk dad ko with another woman he has an affair with
Kaloy: na-trauma ako
Kaloy: emotionally
Kaloy: hanggang ngayon
j: dunn that
Kaloy: may galit pa rin ako
j: dunno
Kaloy: oh i guess i did not tell that to yo
j: aww
Kaloy: galit pa rin ako
Kaloy: that was the worst moment in my life
Kaloy: at dinadamdam ko sya hangang ngayon

DISCLAIMER: edited ang paguusap na ito... binura ko ang mga linyang walang kinalaman sa kabuuang ideya pati ang mga linyang sensitibo...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

just saying so..

finals have started this week. my first exam would be on monday. maths. and believe it or not, i'm nervous and scared. hahahaay. after that, summer sets in. and earlier, my dad was talking about planning his schedule for the summer. and he was talking about europe, especially paris. woohoo! eiffel tower and disneyland! hihihi! exciting. but then, what about going home and visiting? maybe if this happened three weeks ago, i would have whined about going home and push it to happen. but now, i find it wierd. i'm confused. do you think it's a good idea to not go home for a while and maybe in another year or two? do you think that this is for the best? maybe it's just what i need. but then, i would have missed out on so much more.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Why nobody's life is getting better...

people of conscience vote for the candidates who present a convincing platform that addresses the problems of the masses..

but they do not know that they will not get what they want by voting these candidates that promise them a better life..

you see, the strategy is: public officials deprive people of a better life in order for them to create a platform based on poverty-related issues and problems that they will use for the next elections in order for them to be elected again.. and once they are, they will have access to government resources to be used for their own interest, which is to make their own lives better and to make possible an another term in the public office come the next elections..

that's why nobody's life is getting better..

not even the lives of those who do dirty..

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Vote or not, no change...

this one will be brief and simple, yet it could hit you like a ton of those rusting yellow ballot boxes from ComElec..





we may discover and prove the dirt of the funds of candidates.. we may hear all their political wrongdoings being thrown here and there every now and then.. and we may vote for the ones whom we believe could really eradicate the political problems of our rotting country.. but because of the fact that our country is rotting, it is true that the couple of minutes that we will spend inside the voting precincts may be just of no sense at all..

now, who needs elections with only people full of crap to vote for? with all of the dirty deeds of incumbent and aspiring politicians, nobody REALLY wins.. at all..

Thursday, May 10, 2007

The filth of philippine politics: corruption's advantage...

i know.. you may be perplexed, thinking: "what? corruption has an advantage?"

well.. advantages do not necessarily deliver good things for the good of everybody, you see..

whether we like it or not, corruption brings good things, unfortunately, to some people [only]..

past the fact that it brings material fortune to government officials who engage in the infamous activity, i'm talking about the ones who run for public office..

we all know about corruption.. i mean, we are fully aware that it is widespread in our government.. in fact, our country is known all over the world for it.. and we all abhor it, proven by decades of rallies, protests, impeachment cases, and, of course, the series of people power revolutions..

however, this fact, apparently, is used by the ruthless ones who are thrilled to grab a seat in our government to lay down on a bed of cash..

they say that they will fight corruption when they finally get the position they are running for, although some of us are aware that what they are saying are exactly the opposite of what they are doing or what they did.. they even make commitments ahead, even though they are candidates still, saying that they will not run again for re-election if they will not be able to fulfill their promises.. they include it in their surreal generalized platform, which is not expounded to the public for it to be understood.. they broadcast it in the airwaves, squeezing out the creativity of their dedicated yet foolish supporters to apply it on their advertisements in order to catch the attention of the people and "plant" their names on their intoxicated minds.. they buy the recommendations of different influential organizations and relgious groups.. they shell out millions of money for a position that supposedly gives back only thousands.. they travel all over the country and show their crooked faces covered with lies, deception, greed, and selfishness.. and they boast about it, saying that they can and they will abolish corruption if you vote for them..

and we who are suffocated by all the misleading publicity, we who are desperate for an overhaul in public governance, we who are blinded by our beliefs, may it be religious or cultural, that can be easily manipulated and corrupted by power, and we who, for every election, are presented with nothing but deceiving promises and false hopes like it.. it's like ear candy, hearing those seemingly famous celebrities who happen to run our country say the things that we want to hear, the things that we want to happen for the good of our country, the things that we are hoping for, the things that give us encouragement to live another day of misery, the things that catch our attention and make us vote for the ones we remember come the election day..

simply put, they say what we want to hear, we write what we hear and remember, they do what they want to do given the power to do so..

skeptical or cynical i may seem, but i am so sick of the filth of philippine politics, hearing every now and then unproven controversies related to cheating at the elections that will be soon left hanging in the air again, just like the other controversies in the previous elections.. that's why i'm not going to vote until i see a change.. and i wonder when will that be..

if only God could vote for us.. *sigh*

and now, the queston is: shall truth prevail this time around?

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

song in my head..

I Can't Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me

Cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
Cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

I'll close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you dont feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do whats right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
Cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

Aint no use in crying, baby.

Friday, May 04, 2007


Tsk tsk tsk...


Wednesday, May 02, 2007

It's about time!!!!!


ladies and gentle people (of all sexual preferences)..

due to intrapersonal demand..

i have decided that..

it's about time for me to..

*drumroll please*

post a new entry..

egad! a new entry? *gossip gossip*

yep, a NEW entry.. emphasis on the N, the E, and the W..

emphasis amplified by the date of my last entry..

it has been, seriously, decades since i last poured my demented soul into this cyber chunk of my concept of self, as vividly shown through the gray threads of my deteriorating brain.. and i noticed the pulsating glow of molds whenever i click links..

okay, enough of the welcome remarks.. let's get to business..

egad! he skipped the welcome remarks? he already wants to get to "business"? *gossip gossip*

damn, i hate this laptop.. the marks on the keys don't match its outputs..

ahem.. yes, i wanna get down to business already.. i had enough of the chit-chat..

*preventing self from segue*

whew! what a struggle! ahem ahem..

there are a lot of things that override my consciousness once in a while..

like my problems with my family.. with philippine politics.. with my love life, in general.. with my so-called friends.. with my self, et al..

i'll tackle them one by one, shall i?

nah.. forever's not enough (eliminate sarah geronimo from your stream of consciousness as of the moment, please) for me to (no, not 'love you'!) disclose all of those things.. and besides, its wills hurts, you knows.. i'd rather leave it inside me and let it devour my sanity and destroy my stability from the inside..

so what's the sense of creating this blog entry?

well, i guess it doesn't have to explain its existence to anyone.. it just stands in solitude (not that it knows it does) in cyberspace.. it serves as my portal to the immaterial buffer of all the loneliness and negativity and imperfection in the world..

just like any other blog entry..

that reminded me of a verse from a song by john mayer..

i'm dizzy from the shopping mall, i searched for joy but i bought it all, it doesn't help the hunger pain and a thirst i'd have to drown first to ever satiate..

like i said, there are tons of things that bother my thinking every single day.. problems, imbalance, injustice, lots and lots of things really.. it's the result of the 24/7 activity of my brain, always analyzing things.. tsk.. but don't think that i'm also minding the problems of the rest of the mourning world.. those things that i mentioned are my own personal problems.. problems that i have kept so long inside my fist-sized heart.. and yet, i still have no plans of divulging any of those abyss-deep problems.. i don't know, and i don't even understand, i can't organize everything in my head, they're too much.. and i know not even professionals could..

amid all of these chaotic stuff that rumble inside my head, what makes me happy? tsk.. that word.. so vague.. so absurd.. friends, music, games, movies, television, they're just temporary relief.. defines happiness as an emotional or affective state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction.. well, i've had that a million times.. but it never lasted..

and what would the definiton have in effect? it's just a definition.. for the sake of having a basis, a point of reference..

the world may try to define everything, but we always have a choice whether to put up with those definitions or create our own and defy the world..

and because we are damn humans, we will always search for the things that we do not have.. a never-ending search for happiness.. a never-ending search for solutions to problems that will inevitably result to more problems..

ergo, life is sad, so complicated.. but its really up to us to make ourselves experience our self-defined happiness and satisfaction and fulfillment..

another verse from the same song by john mayer..

i can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design, i wish there was an over the counter test for loneliness, for loneliness like this..

*sigh* i wish these things that i type could convey what really is inside my head.. so problematic.. so chaotic, difficult to decipher, i know.. i wish that these could make everyone understand who i am, what i think, what i am capable of, why i am like this, everything that encompass my concept of "self"..

and like the search for happiness, this entry could go on and on without end.. i have opened a lot of matters, inspired a lot of questions, induced a lot of arguments, but i choose to end it.. (you must be getting tired at this point..)

like i choose to end my attachment to social constructions.. i choose to think for myself.. i choose to go on with life even if despair keeps on dragging me to its deep trench.. i choose to continue on searching for meanings, for justice, for that small speck of light among the darkness that envelopes my consciousness..

starkness may cover my eyes with black shroud, but i will always be eager to see what i should see, what i want to see, what i need to see..

my self may forever hide in the shadows, but it will always surface as substantial, and very much human..